My Holy Platform

I don't know for how many times I must grumble about this or about that...

Luckily me card project has improved even just a little... I'd finish the draft of (FINALLY, even it is still looks weird) the wavy ocean, the santa (just the cap and the bunny), then the coconut tree, birds, sun, and the land (I'd to find some texture of sand for the photoshop)... I think I'll add clouds and also a big mountain, and if I can make gradation of the sky, then I'll finish until this part today... And luckily the deadline was on 7th January and not at 4th just like I'd thought before... And I think I still can enjoy a little time of my holiday before I go back to school and become very busy for preparing the National Exam.

Eventhough looks simple... but really hard to do. I was very too confidence at the beginning that it will be easy but not at all. Creativity, imagination, skill of drawing... these kind of things were very essential for my future job, I'm not lying, really.. I must train again how to draw what I'd imagined in my mind. Because for sure, mostly I can imagine a good things in my mind but I can't turn it on the paper. That is a really BIG PROBLEM for me... --" Makes me worry for few days ago..

I think my job later will be like this... Making texture for the ocean (it's not hard at all, but making line of color was very difficult I think), making texture of the sand (this is a new think for me, because making texture for the vetor art is totally different with the real picture one), maybe coloring will not take many times, because if I must do the coloring with photoshop, then there's no problem, at least not too much.But if Illustrator, I must wait for my friend teach me before the holidays end..I think one day is quite enough at least for learning the basic and also things I need for my card... I was really expect for the best from my friend's help.XD~ But surely, better than yesterday, today I feel more confidence at all!!!!

Now I want to continue making my card, after finish I can play again... ^^ Yaaaay... feel so nice when I'd a good plan and also a nice way to finish something that I really love to, I mean, about art.. XD~ I'll be very disappointed if I know that I'm not doing my best for my artwork!LET'S DO THIS..

Always... and always, in the beginning I was very full of energy for doing this project, but lately, after facing many things, and tough things, hmph, ...

STUCK...

At all, I can't control myself, and... --" just like today and yesterday.

Feel sad, feel empty... T_________T just like I can't doing anything good.. feel just like very embarassed with my own skill... T____________T sometimes I feel something like that, maybe often..

I don't know why I can be very confidence on myself and also can be not confidence at all with my ability for many things. I just want to try my best but really.. I really don't know why I can fall in the middle of the most important process... I really disappointed with myself, really...

STUCK.. No idea and also no idea about what should I do?? Then, -________- I am STUCK, thinking about something that's not important, and also ... take a lot of energy just for that, feel angry to myself, disappointed, and many again...

T____________T beside that, I am stuck in the other side too...

Eventhough he said yes, I don't think that he would love me so. I just know about someone who likes playing around, and I have a little time get into his game.. But, just like I'd said, it will pass away.. just like others, become sweet memories... ^^ that I will never regret..

I know that he is not the one, so that I think, I should start now... Before the time come, and gone with all of this, left me alone behind... Just like few years ago.. an also many years ago.. Passing without doing anything. But there's nothing I can do again..Even I can, it will not affect anything. So, just let it flow. Even just the same smile, same things, that never changed. It's enough, quite enough amount of happiness that I'd ever felt in my last year...

Starting from found a cute kind of picture made from Illustrator when I was finding Illustrator Tutorials, and I feel someone said, THAT'S IT!!! Uwooo, love it very much really, now I'm learning for that... >< Making many kinds of vector art and also for my Christmas card project...

Huff... Today I feel quite moody dunno why... -______________- but looks like something blame out without control.

But I'm very happy that I'd had already enough idea for my card just making the draft and finish!!!

This is, once again will be the first XD~ I'm very confidence with this, I can finish on time...

Check this www.milkbun.net

Really, love that kind of vector art, cute sweetish, milk, and many again...

XD~ No more time, I must finish the draft!!

Sometimes when we do our daily routine everyday, we feel nothing, just do the same thing. Study, work, and maybe many more. Then we feel something we often said bored..

In fact, we have many things or nothing to do. Sometimes, no matter how many things we have to finish, if we are in our best condition and mood, I think that we will finish without any tough problem. It is different when you do just one thing without good condition, really, seems so hard or maybe I should say... LAZY..

Just like I'd said before, today I feel more spirit to do my list. More powerful.. more more and more!!! Why?? Yeah I don't know the exact.. but people have their own time to feel in the best and also in the worst condition..

Today I saw again, that many people were sick of all their routines, and have no idea to get out from that.. Really I don't have any good way to say how. But this is a really things that make me feel, I'm still lucky that I still spent my time for sit and browse and create some design...

Or maybe I can say I still have so many things to refresh myself, to feel free... I feel lucky really..

Sometimes we always forget to be thankful for things we can enjoy today..

Still in the morning...

Aaaaah really.. feel just like wanna sleep well but I can't.

I was in dinner with my friend, and planning for my tomorrow plan. Spent my day just like before in loneliness. But you know, one week again, school will begin. So fast.. don't you think the same?

I still have to finish my Christmas card...and also for my other project,scan my picture. And many more..

Sigh~

Many things to do but looks like no inspiration to do. Every time I want to do, it must be stopped by something that I can't understand why. Ah, looks like tomorrow I'll begin finish it one by one..
1.Install MOF in my computer
2.Take screenshots and then cut it down, write my profile then send it.
3.Also take screenshots as many as possible for card making, fan art, and many again.
4.Looking for Adobe Illustrator for making new character for the card.

Wish I'll finish all of that on time.

Still in the deepest part of my heart I still thinking about many things, so that until now I can't sleep well. I can't close my eyes. Day passed very quickly..And it makes me scared, worried, and many again. I must serious a little I think, but.. I can't... Many days passed just like before, with nothing. I was really scared for that!! Lonely, alone, quiet, and there's no result. But I am very worry about that. And I can do nothing for that... Everyday, feel the same.. I was really scared facing tomorrow...

Just like I have no power to do what I want to do.Just like when I was in a dark and narrow place...Seems like a deep phobia inside myself that I can't cure it.. But really, I feel that my days was fulled by things like that. Scared... very scared of many things, and when I fall down, I'll fall into the deepest valley of my heart, trapped inside just like along time ago.

My last Christmas in my last year on senior high...

Many memories.. and there's nothing changed so much inside...

When I was in the chapel this night...I felt empty really.. Just like hear but don't understand... Want to know but can't. I wish to know what happened with me lately?

Yesterday was a really nice and interesting day to spent.. Still play together with friends. I wonder if one day we can not do the same again. Who knows? But, now I learn to say thanks for everything I could feel.. I could face.. ~___________~ just like many experience that can be happened in someone's life. But it's fun really even though it will not be always sweet. It is an important thing to remember too. Don't we feel bored when our life just flow in a same way? Wish I still have time for enjoy that time together again.. ^^

Christmas just like I hear from year to year. About Jesus Christ again, many kind of stories, many beautiful meaning behind, and also important thing that we, human being, should know. That we will be released from sin, by His sacrifice...But when I remember I always do the same thing every year, I just want to ask... Can I be forgiven?

Sometimes, sad with my own condition. Even looks very happy, very calm, but not really inside... Holiday just like a trap for me, every day, passed with loneliness... Better I go to school, or any where, that I could forget all about things...

Sometimes, when feel lonely, ad nobody hear to me... I also think... who's there? Standing beside me... embrace me tightly..Even when you said to me calmly, and I still on my opinion. Never realize, never know, and never want to know... It's YOU.. standing there, looking on my wet face.

Sometimes, when I was mad..why You are so cruel? Why You do this to me? Why You let this happen to me? But I never get the answer. And time passed away. Few months later, I got the answer, and I realize it was a perfect plan You'd built for me... Even until now, I still don't know. Why I must suffer like this until now??

Sometimes, when I was smile happily... I forget about You, never asked about Why you give me happiness even I don't deserve for it? I just think I deserve for that because I'd suffer for a long time... I never asked, and also seldom say ,"Thanks." After tired of my happiness, I just go to sleep and facing tomorrow sadness, then asked 'Why' again...

And one day, when You'd found me, I always run away, hide myself, go far away... Fall again, hurt, and refuse when You give Your hands for me... I am the one who refuse, who was being stubborn...In the chapel, I still remember that the priest said... No matter how long you'd lost, you'd gone, He always waiting for you... He wait you to go home... Go to your home, with your real FAMILY...

Father, if tonight I want to say... Can I go home? Will you still receive me after this? After I'd gone so long.. For many times... Will You forgive me?

Again and again, in the morning and nice stomachache.. ~___________~

There's no even ingredient to cook breakfast.. I won't eat instant noodle for 3 three days, will I?

Really... Aaaaaaah... HOLIDAY there's nothing worth I can do.

Sometimes I feel, pathetic.. you know...

Sigh~

Now, just think of this...

How can again I dream about someone...

Sigh~ After writing for so much pages on my diary, I feel no more sick at all. But I don't know why too, why I can't sleep? Inside feels so worry...

I remind about many things that we have done. But it always be a memory, that can be lost of course. But really I can't decide my next step for now. Looks like this holiday seems so short. Just around two weeks again, and voila... back to our business at school. No more easy, no more play... Even I hate about that, but it is a right time to show the last perform that he would remember.

Sometimes... I smile...and everybody said that looks better. When I was crying... I was also scared for their refusal...

How can again?

....Long time ago, I ran to anywhere that I can forget about pain for a while. But now, there's no place to run anymore. There's no way to run...

Simple but looks so close... When I realize, everyday it reduce my time.... And when I know, I must prepare myself, but I am really not sure if I'd already ... strong enough facing that.

For hones I really like cakes, smooth cakes just like sponge type, so light with whip cream, with some fresh fruits toppings. Or sometimes the elegance of chocolate melted in me... Huaaaaah... want some cakes...

Lately, I was browsing for many recipes of cakes. Many types of cakes that interested me much. Such as cheese cake, chocolate cake, and also STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!!! >.< aaaaaa very nice...

Wanna eat some cakes...Had learned a lot about cream, and technique of baking, mixing, and other, just like improving our skill. And also learned about the ingredients. Someday I want to make a cake again by myself. Yeah, one day!

I wish I will never have a brother as sucks as him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I don't remember about his disease and others, I was sure that I'd given a big shot to him.

Really. How can he act like a jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh! Really I really want to kill him!!!!

Will God hear again my words just like when I was a little girl?

Will I be forgiven after saying things like this?

Will I be punished after regret about my condition?

Will I be tried again after this?

Will I realize after this?

Or will I be strong after passing this?

Longer time, I just feel like a person that do my routine. Go to school and learn. Taught to be a person without soul. Just like a robot. But also like a human being.

I don't know why, but actually, I was really sure that I can handle my emotional, but I don't know why ... so this afternoon happened things like that...

Til now, I lost my voice because of screaming so hard about thing I'd held for long times. I really don't have any idea about what I supposed to do. But how can I forget about this? Even she said not to remember, I'm not a robot that can be programmed to or not to save about something. And even she said to me that we must survive...She also have no idea when I asked about the answer about my question. She just said,"Then if you want to die, just DIE." Really if I have another choice, better I go to the place that there will be no one look for me.

Can I forget about this home? About how disappointed me in my young? How I must handle things that I should not supposed to in my age now...How I hold every wishes between my other friends... How many I must sacrifice my happiness for this family? But each time I go home, I feel just like home is not a place for me to really go home. Each time they said we as a family, I don't think that we are one as a family, just most likely individuals walk on their own way. And when I hold my family's name behind my name, I feel just like an adding for making my name written longer.

How can I said things to my parents? When I said about my problems, they just said "Just a little bit like that, you'd already give up. When I was young..." and so on. Should you compare me to yourself? Or maybe just like you never take attention on me? Just said that you love me, you care about me, but see. When I talk about my college, you seems happy if I don't continue until college, and stay at home, until find my soulmate, married and become a good housewife. The other just seems encouraging me so that I can be strong. But hellow, please? Do you live through like this? When you're young. When you need the real figure of parents. Even I know you said in you young, you also facing the same ... But under pressure like this. Better I'll never come home.

As a child, I seem like the ne who had not experienced anything yet, had not known anything yet, and also don't know right or not. Pressured very much. A person that had already take away my young, take away my happiness, and runied all my life!!!! I swear I will kill that person someday...

As child, I tried to do all things that can make my parents happy. Learn properly, not press them so much to grant my wishes, but is that a reason for them to take easy on me? Suffer inside is really worse more than outside... I know sometimes they said they are trying to carea about me, but in other side, they just care about their own bussiness. About this, about that. And as child, am I wrong? If I want to said that I really felt n one really care about me as a parents. Sometimes I just think care is about routine that they must do? Am I wrong IF I SAID ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE THIS? I really don't supposed to write like this, but every time, when my life getting longer, I just feel like more hurt, more suffer. Even anything I'd done.

Come home and then eat, sleep, go again. Simple things...

But I hated, really, I want to scream, but can I see this family ruined?

But when I suffer, I feel joshed around. Feel nothing. Feel so asshamed.

How can I trust on again?

Smile just like when I still a little girl, laugh... share anything with them. I prefer to be my own than trusting others...

My brothers, both of them are same. Never take care about others, just care about their bussiness, about their own problems, and I think we are not like brotherhood.. Just like stranger live in the same house. Really, I felt bitter in my own house, the basic place of life ...

Simple for them, but not for me...

..... I am not wish for scratching my wrist... or end my life.

I just wishes, passing these days, when will it disappear? See the same view, see the same again and again, feel the same. Then how can I forget just like my mother said? OF COURSE I CAN NOT FORGET ABOUT THIS!!!!!!

Now... there's no one hear me just like before... No one... When I prayed in the middle of night, feel so lonely.. alone.

Actually, I must laugh just like this morning I laughed and smile happily...But now, that feeling turn into pain and sick again... Even when I'd already known, it just a daydreaming, however it feels so sweet in real... but I must stop lying myself about wishes. In one side I feel happy, and I tried not to lie my feeling about that... But when I remember that just about a game, and I was the one who trapped inside the game... I feel hurt again.

For many things we have talked about today, laugh together, smile together. Remember about the voice, and so on... I don't know why, these tears coming...

I know the fact about his behavior,daily routine to act like that... but

Whenever I think is that a present that in the last year, I could spent my time beautifully like this? Could I called it by a Christmas present? I feel weird at all...

Even I'd believe for few hours, for each words that told a big lie. I just never want to regret, about today. That I really enjoyed the time. Even though just a lie, and just to cheer me up.. I will never regret for that... For everything even just fake, just for this time. Even it scratch heavily..I'd already told you, just like roses, they are beautiful to keep, even though their torn can hurt you anytime whenever you hold them tightly...

I just want to enjoy the last time, even without saying any words just like three years ago. I know that it is the best for anyone. With silence, and let me keep that alone, even there's no one will realize. I just want to keep this alone,without anyone... I will never wish to grant that wishes anymore. I'm already satisfied with this... Only with this small pieces of memories, hope will be gone by the wind...

Sound that never ends..

I just feeling again the same rhythm is calling me, just like three years ago...But I've decided, not to tell anyone again about this... Why? Because when a person know, I feel the pain just like became more painful than before... Even when he asked for, I really can't accept this...

God... why? Why this always happen to me?In a same time... In a short time, but a deep scratch...

So that how can I smile behind that?

Okay2...

Today really tough day. Why??

After I know that I lost my flash disk, and I must remake all of my PSD tasks, really really sucks. And also before that I suffer again from my stomachache, really, if I must suffer like that every morning, looks like I prefer to stay in my dream world forever...

T____________T and also about the gossip, gossip, and gossip again.

I wana ask you a favor.. Isn't strange if I walk with my friend?? Eventhough just two of us. --" I don't like to discuss that further more, but looks like people like to take their own opinion on me. They must know that everyone is not same...--a sigh, sometimes really bored if I must explain anything I do based on my opinion. Even others have their own GENERAL OPINION, do I wrong if I have DIFFERENT OPINION??That doesn't make sense!

I wonder why people always judging person from their outside whenever they don't know inside.. Based on the wise word for hear not to be done...Sick of it.

Today really I want cut and if I can I want to chop meat of a person named ANDRE SETIAWAN... Really sick of him!! --a sometimes no, but in anytime I like to kidding with others, but NOT IN A WAY LIKE THIS!!!!! How can be?!! --a eventhough I know he has a different world class but really, he need to respect and appreciate other more. I never think about someday he will fall because of that.--a Sometimes, people that had already felt that thye are superior, more than other, got one thing that will blow themselves. Yeah, for honest I hate people who proud too much on themselves.

I really don't care eventhough he had already given my blog address to... --a really, I don't want to mention his name... Yeah2, the most hottest guy in my school (actually for the gossip)... Adiel Gunawan... (--" really just a name...If you think more, trust me you'll crash your own image of him in your head, I am not lying you)... Really I don't know why they (The two of A inisial, both of them sick) were so interested of talking about my blog!!!! --" Really I feel just like no freedom at all again for my place in here. But after that I really don't mind.It's all up to you guys. --a I just want to share stories about life in my blog, then I must feel asshamed?

Sometimes I tired of this, but when I went home today, I found again an empty school building to see. I will leave it for around 4 months again. I missed it, I missed all of beautiful moment we ever spent together... Really...

Just like yesterday I was cycling around, and feel smell of the wind around during the dusk. Sometimes I want to go to a hill that I can see a beautiful view, and also beautiful feelings... Just like when I am scratching my brush on my canvas...Beautiful feelings to draw, to share, and also to feel in our life. Unforgettable moment we ever feel...

Sigh~ Even I sick with this condition... today I still wanna say... I still have the same feeling for you even you never realize what is the meaning of me in your life...

Sometimes we have to struggle until the last one, but when the percentage getting weak all the time, should I keep on that?

Right now I'm thinking of changing my mind about him. Forget all memories about him, looks like will not do much...

Around an hour ago, I realize that I might lost his memories about me, he might forget me, forever, until I pass the graduation day. But, I will not I will always remember this feeling, that I ever had, that I ever struggle for, and I ever kept for myself. A memories that will not be forgotten.

And I was thinking about what should I do in these two days...

I remember again about sweet memories we ever passed together... Eventhough he will never remember, I will always remember. Eventhough he will not stand beside me, and walk together anymore, for me, this one years is an enough time for us to create so many beautiful memories. I am glad to see him again tomorrow, and I am glad with each second I ever spent wth him, even we will be separated, I know that mmemories about him will never be lost, because I will always kept it in my heart, as a treasure.

This feelings sounds very strong but also so calm, beautiful feeling that keep me warm when I cry alone in the rain. Sounds that I always remember when he called my name with a smile... even I will lost my future days with him... I think I have already had enough with the past...

Thanks God You have given me so many chances and oppurtunity to spent my times with someone I love more than before... Even I know he will not be longer beside me, but I'm glad that You ever gave a chance to walk together, even for a short time compare the other that he already chose. I am glad and pray for their happiness always... I believe that You gave me these beautiful moment to keep.

First..

Today, I woke up in the morning in unhealthy condition, I thought it was my bad mood in the morning effect so that I didn't take attention on it, and drink a bottle of very COOL milk and then went to school.

Suddenly, when I arrived at school and put my bag, started to open my math books for review, I feel weird around my stomach. At the first time, I don't care, but looks like it's getting worse. So that I stop learn and sit at the in front table of teacher office... After that, I feel I had a little fever... Then after the bell rang, and I came into, I feel worse than before. So that I took a permission to go out and got some medicine. Then I ask for medicine to Ms. Sandra, and I sit again at the in front table.. Suffer a lot then I put my head on the table, I started sweating and felt dizzy. Ms Sandra came out with a tablet, for gaster problem, and went in to take warm water for me. After I chew the medicine, it tastes HORIBBLE and very BITTER than I ever eat.So that drink some water just make it feel more bitter that before... After that ... ~_~ that squid came out from the office and saw me from there... He walk to my way... and start to talk about this and that and many again. Sigh~ if I didn't remember this medicine was so bitter and the pain is on climacs, I won't stay silent, really...And...yeah, hurt.

After that I continue the test until done, and I regain all of my health back after the test. Then I went with my friends to celebrate this freedom!!!!!And we arrived for around 12.30 PM... and go to eat pizza, really, we do silly things in public place, start with playing drum in game center with six person that means all of us!!! And jokes in bookstore, really good moment, and after that I continue to my part time job, and here I a, in front of here... ~_~ wew. Very tiring but fun, still continue for tomorrow.. aaaaa XD~

Sounds tiring but FUN at all, this is the last moment we can spent together before we graduate... so just enjoy them..

Eventhough I know, the reason of today I suffer this morning. Because of that...Sigh~

Time passed, whether you like or not.

...

Today's afternoon, I supposed to be happy when he saw me for many times and we talked along, spent so much time together today. I see the same person, the same smile, the same kindness,the same style of him... all about him..

Time changed so fast. I remember when the first time we met, until one year passed, we still do not know each other well, rather I hate him very much.... One year is a short time for us to know each other better in many events since I've been in social class and I have so many spare time to do my hobby...And so much time we have create together... laughing together, with all of happiness and sadness... One year is a short time to make so many sweet memories before I graduate,and also short time before I leave.

Last week... in the same day as today. I saw again. Different sight of him. That I know that it would not be come true.Today I feel so confused, and deeply pain in my heart, when he talked to me just like before, when he smile, when he said many things about past. Something that I can't stop, it keep make me remember something I want to forget.I feel that each of memory that he create today, just like a disease for me later. Collected, slowly.. but very sure.

When I remember this lately, about my backbone problems, about my family, about other I must handle by myself. Some of them told me not to take attention on it, but how can be I do that?How can I forget and act just like there's nothing happen to me...? Each time I smile, I feel sick inside. When I laugh with others, I feel empty for the after.Each time I spent loneliness in night, I cried by myself... quietly so that there's no one realize. Feeling when I smile, laugh together.. just like they want I look okay.

I don't know exactly how many time left for me.Disease that caused hurt inside and outside my body..Sometimes I feel just like want to end this.. but I can't..I wish someday could forget, or maybe avoid all of this. But, will I be happy by that? Looks like never ending was coming to face me.Why? I really want to leave alone in an unreal world rather than like this. Somehow, I may smile even just a little... not just like now, smile, laugh, just like a corpse without a soul... it makes me hurt a lot. Even when I realize about all of that.. about this feelings, about the disease, and all about them. There's no one release me from them... I missed the day I ever spent with smile together with them, just like in the past. Is that too much? Is that a difficult one to reach?

Feel sick, and these tears come down again.

Aah..

Just that word I think that fit with my condition right now.Really not in mood for doing anything, even today computer is mine,my black USB is missing so that I can't copy download link for my photoshop argghhhh.... and also I can't instal MOF to my computer,DAMN! Even I have been copy the patcher from my driend. Really sucks... Hate this day!

T.T

hate all of them!!!!

T___________T There some kind of things that I've thought for few days lately... and also many wish and goals to be done in the next year... Yeahh... Some of them is
1. Buy a notebook... really wish that no one will disturb my property, mine mine mine and mine!!
2. College life
3. Looking for a new one
4. Release this alone...

Aaaah there's many reason I should tell to.. Looks like I want to going to internet cafe, and spent some hours there... sigh~

This kinda make me crazy...

Sumpah, udah berapa kali gw ketiduran pas lagi belajar,dan berapa kali gw panik2 dan ngarang2 indah buat jawab soal essay terutama Sejarah yang, yaudahlah udah gw pasrahkan saja..

Sisanya sih tinggal beberapa aja yang ga gitu susah, aaah gw berdoa UAS cepetan kelar deh. HELL bener2!!! Gw pengen cepet pergi jalan2... zzz banget daaaaaaa....

Capek... Selasa >> B.Ind, Sosio... lumayanlah, ga gtu repot...

--" sumpah gw lagi dikaruniai kehokian tingkat tinggi di waktu UAS... Sigh~ Semangat!!!

Today...

I though that should be a good day but I don't think so. Yeah, when I want to take a distance, he will came closer to me just like want to let me go nearer again with him. Sigh~ It's kinda hurting me a little..

Today, I feel such great of pain in my head for many times each day and I don't know why. Because my disease must already cured right now, and since I got sick, this headache come... Really, I can feel pain for around 5 times each day. Sigh~ Then I feel regret again...

I wish today will be rain. But til now, looks like sky was so bright that it will not rain. Listening to the mellow song, looks like became my hobby now. For last two days, I passed the night with tears and a great pain in my hearts, even when I had already alone, not with anyone just like before. But there's a feeling that I feel very hurt, sick, and feel so regret. I feel about myself, about others, about the feelings that make me breath so hard every night.

Not just about beautiful words or lyrics in a song, or maybe kind of melody that reminds me of pain. But really, I can't forget how I ever suffer for this thing many times until now. Keeping this feeling is important, but it is very hurt for know the truth I will not get it. It hurting me far away there. There's so many things in my head.

Really... with the same reason, for any explanation, it's already broken. I will not trust any one.

When I gave them a chance, later they said that I just hurt them by making them waiting for me...

When I said I can't, they said they will wait until I can then later they said I just played around with them.

When I said I was hurt, they said that this is the hurt I made for myself.

It's keep make me suffer a lot. Feel very sick. For I dunno how many times. That I always be the wrong one, even I just don't want to hurt others. Even I just want to see they smile, even I was very hurt inside here, I can't forgive myself that show sadness in other's face. But why must me?

Even I know I was the one that always be the victim, but for any mistakes and regrets, why I must handle it alone? This fact kinda make me feel suffer a lot... If there's no one can accept me with open handed, so that I will leave, I will never give any kindness or pain for all of you..

This is enough for the last. That I don't hate you because of that. But it's enough, I can't hold more than this...This body feels very sick and weak.

...

Huaaaaaaaah.... even today is Haloween Day, but I just think that I feel a little bit sad.. Jealousy...

What happen with me?!!

...

Sigh~ I don't know why but there's so many bad things happened!!! And guess what??

Looks like I feel no power to tell story at school, just see in my class blog...

And here I am, alone, in the midnight, and it is raining outside...

Why? I don't know too... But I was browsing for awhile until that I got back into the site. Looks like I'd not played for around 3 months, yeah... waiting until I get my new laptop. I missed the time playing together, even I know that now I have no time even just for playing games... Aaaahh.... T_T sucks... til now I still can not install it into my computer, fuuh... T_T really I want to play it..

Looks like I have to decide, which one I prefer? Laptop or new CPU... Honestly, I prefer OF COURSE a laptop to CPU. Why? For the exact reason it will be mine, and I won't be chased by anyone... Because new CPU means, shifting again, and hate that very much... Better use laptop, wireless net, and then finish...~_~ no more fight for that, but looks like I must work harder for that... Right now I'm here ... find some inspirations for my short stories, it's getting near with the deadlines!! At least 3 stories!!! ~_~ the idea is already got, but there's no way to manage it to a story.. aaaaaaaaaaahhh... Why must at school for inspiration?

Sigh~ Rainy again, rainy again, but tonight there's no one accompany...

Let's begin..

Today... wake up in the morning, and immediately went to the salon!! Hehehe... looks like I've moved on so far from my daily activity and want to relax myself... And it's quite refreshing I thought, why? Even I've to wait around 2 hours for my facial list... Ahahahah, but the result.. just like we said, no pain no gain. And right now... I'll start my busy day...

3:37 AM in the morning

I've just finished wrote my math and geography notes, after that I supposed to draw Garuda Pancasila, but I think I'll do that later... Sigh~ While I'm hearing to the music, waiting for my MP3 next Saturday, hope it will be mine...I must draw the comic, must but, I think I should take a rest right now... (Full House again...) Looks like tomorrow and other days will be very busy to pass...

Uhm... I've slept for around 5 hours I think, so that I don't feel sleepy now... (This song kinda making me suffer again)... Looks like I have no mood at all for sleep.. I don't know. And I wish tomorrow morning, it will be raining, just wished... Lately, in any rain, I feel hurt deeply, silent myself then see through the windows that view was so misty, so cloudy and so cool, just like what I've feel inside, it's tough, and it was so long until the last time I cried in the rain... I feel sometimes I must go out between the rain and step there with these tears, let them go...

I wish... these cold were never gone, even I suffer, I wish I had not forget the pain, the tears, the sight, the cold and also the feels... I wish tomorrow will be rain, cloudy and a little dark... I still like the fresh smell of rain, I still missed when it fall on my head, I want to hear when it fall down heavily, I want to feel that I am not here, I am not in the past again... Because I don't see your face in the rain, blurred so fast, so that I wish I could forget you forever...

Time is running so fast, it's almost 4 AM.

Today, I feel disappointed too for another her... Yeah, there's no FRIENDS... I mean if they just kind to me when they need me... Feel sick, and also unhappy, but there's nothing I can do.. If I said, they judge me as a bandit, if I don't so that thwy will not judge me further more... Life is about choice, and I've chosen this, why? Yeah, if someday I could tell them how they act... I think they'll face the mirror, and see who are them... I don't like taking revenge, there's no use of revenge... People using many things to cover their fault, their nasty trash... Why? Even without trying to make it better, even just a little... Even just for saying sorry, but looks like the price were very high for exchange it with a sorry... I just want to silence myself, I've been very bored with an act like that... There's no use act just like anything in front of me, I saw it, I've seen it clearly... where's the right? And the wrong side...

Silence is GOLDEN... Then how could world will changed? If everyone were like them?

I wish tomorrow morning... even a little bit... rainy day.

Aaaa... looks like it was sunny in the morning until noon, but suddenly looks like it became cloudy so quickly and I have no idea where it come from?? Sigh~ But today, rain has fallen 3 times and heavily...

First time I hear the rain when I still on my part work, looks like very heavy and air became so cold at the time. Sigh~

Second one when I was in the car want to pick my father, waw, rain was heavily and I saw Jakarta between high buildings was very misty because of raindrops. Ehm, sometimes I feel a feelings that cloudy sky was a rare view to see, and between buildings too, just like a simple thing that go through the time. Rain fell down so heavy and it makes us feel so cold. And.. looks like I missed the time because of that...

Rain has stopped for many hours, but I feel, just now, it has been moved to other place, an unknown and invisible one... It fall down heavily just like before...

And I know a good fact, that she already make me disappointed for a reason that I really sure, I will not be wrong this time... I hate fake, and she did it again, that what I called about FAKE..

For what she do that? Don't she the one that want me not to do that?? Really FAKE... Just for a pleasure huh? Really, I have no respect anymore.... at least to her... FAKE, just make me laugh, you have changed so bad after the moment... Prestise, glorious, gold, does it bother you?? Do that make you being like this?

Sigh~

Wish there's no fake anymore... really.

Hahahahaha, tiba2 aja hari ini ada aura bahagia yang gw liat bertebaran dimana-mana, maybe karena ini hari Jumat kali yak?? Jadinya pada seneng... tapi sumpah... sejak asisten kurikulum pindah tangan, our schedule became very boring!!!! So ingetlah kawan kalo dulu hari Jumat banyak pelajaran santai, macem eko, seni, dsb... sekarang ditaroh lah pelajaran indah bikin ngantuk yang shiftnya dobel semua.. Apalagi dlu kan Bu Tatiek jarang masuk... merdeka bebas kita semua...-missed that moment-

Okeei melengkapi cerita helsa di bawah...

Pelajaran 1 -2: OR
Weissh hidup dan mati tim ada di tangan, terasa berat (kaya manggul beras), akirnya menang 20-19... --" meski akirnya ganda campuran kalah, n kelompok gw kalah .... sad.. Tapi gw ngeliat betapa histerisnya yang teriak2 waktu ganda putri menang, dan betapa bisa kita melakukan kesalahan bodoh yang bikin fenomena 'DEUCE' di waktu trakhir, contoh gw yang servisnya bisa salah kamar gitu, yang ga kegebuk lah bolanya, swt banget...~

Result : kaki gw keseleo karena teralu ngebalet pas bulutangkis...sampe skarang mase sakid

Pelajaran 3-4 : EKONOMI - A

Seperti biasa, dengan ketidakjelasannya... tau2 dateng ke gw dengan gak sopannya ngomong,"Buat gih nomor 2!" --" swt banget, terus akhirnya Randy dan Budi jadi korban berikudna nyusul... Terus Randy ketauan abis nyontek dari kertas gw yang jawabannya terbalik itu...dan si Adiel dengan keponya menyindir2 Randy, dan mengancam2 mo ngurangin nilai gue gara2 ga mao ajarin si Randy (rese banget sih!!)

Terus dia ngejelasin apa tau (keajaiban!! Selama ini dia ga pernah bahas apa2 kan guys??), terus nulis 4 soal, n langsung aja gw kerjain.. Yang yaaah, mandek banget soalnya... --" penyakitnya si Adiel lah ya... tau sendiri dia suka sotoy kan.. MR.SOTOY se IPEKA... pas gw tanya, tiba2 dia linglung sendiri, pas gw ngintip kertas jimat (kertas soal lecek, yang udah lecek, kumel, jorok, karena ditulis pake pensil) yang dibawa dia ... Disana cuma ada SOAL dan JAWABAN AKHIR

Astaga... gw langsung diem seribu bahasa, setengah menyesal nanya sama dia (tapi kalo ga tanya siapa juga, si Felli bilang lupa, terus Shearen gencar menanyai gw), tiba2 dia keluarin rumus yang baru gw denger pertama kali, cari nilai rupiah laba maksimum pake TR=TC... Gw udah no komen deh dan membiarkan dia ngacak2 kertas jawaban gw yang udah semakin dekil, setelah ngerjain soal nomor 4 yang tak berujung tak berakar itu, kesimpulannya... soal itu SALAH saudara-saudara... (dengan tampang tak berdosa, dia hapus soal nomer 4 dari papan, da tanya ke gw 3x nomor berapakah yang salah itu?)... Pas keluar, gw cuman bisik2 sama Felli... "Lu pernah ga dapet rumus laba maksimum TR=TC??" Dia cuman nunjukin muka betenya... Sigh~ bener-bener.... Gimana nasib kita pas UAN ya?

Pelajaran 5-6 : SENI MUSIK -sleep time-
Pelajaran di mana harusnya gw review sejarah yang berakibat gw ga review and ngaco pas ngejelasin dan ga ketauan Tatiek untungnya...
Pak Frans diam seribu bahasa setelah mengeluarkan komando tuk berkumpul dan bilang deadline kumpulin video klip itu minggu depan... Gw dipanggil Karissa, bersama yang laen nyusun buat video klip.Selama itu gw cuman mikir, gimana cara kelarin gwa punya slide Sejarah yang mase setengah jadi ntu?? Bisa dibunuh sama Bu Tatiek daaah....Terus 2 jam berlalu, kelas sunyi membentuk kelompok sendiri, makin dingin, dan bel pun berbunyi... pikiran gw... HELL bener2

Pelajaran 7-8 : SEJARAH
dan Semenit berlalu, lima menit berlalu...Loh kok Bu Tatiek ga dateng2 ya?? Sedangkan kelas sudah mulai menunjukkan taringnya. Dah pada keluar2 kelas, mondar mandir... Terus gw nyari Bu Tatiek buat minta istarahat dulu (alasan basi, pasang laptop dlu biar ga makan waktu), ternyata pas gw melongok ke kantor, gw ga menjumpai ibu kita yang berambut indah itu... Terus FredyDavid neriakin gw dari atas, katanya masuk, gw kira Bu Tatiek dah dateng... tapi ternyata katanya Bu Tatiek lagi ikut kuliah umum kimia anak kelas 1..

Bengong... (Really miracle?? Speechless).. ga bisa gw ungkapin pake kata2...

Dan gw nangkring dlu ke ruang BK sejenak bareng Felli setelah akhirnya gw balik ke kelas yang tertutup rapat tapi rame (berati ga ada guru), berhubung pintunya macet, jadi bukanya pake pemaksaan... Tiba2 gw liat di dalem semua terdiam liatin gw... Terus tiba2 ngakak bersama... Belakangan gw tau, si Fredy lagi mao makan apel.. Karena gw buka pintu, dikiranya gw si Bu Tatiek, terus dia bingung, tuh apel mo ditaroh dimana, jadi dikeluarin tu apel n dibuang ke tong sampah... -.- jelas ketawa anak2 membahana sampe kayanya mengganggu keheningan kelas sebelah yang notabene lagi pelajaran dongeng SOSIO...

Bel... istirahat, gw melesat ke ruang kompu...Buru2 kelarin slide gw, dan dengan sisa waktu 5 menit ke bawah ambil surat rekomendasi dan ketemu Pak Edo buat tanya lomba yang dia bilang... dan disanalah gw bertemu lagi dengan guru KEPO...
A=Adiel E= Pak Edo G= Gabby
G : (sibuk ucek2 lembar daftar lomba depan Pak Edo)
A : Gab, itu yang lomba eko dah bilang blon ma Pak Edo??
G : ga tau (sibuk buka2..), tanya aja ndiri, kayanya ga dapet undangannya
A : Hah? Sini2 coba liat dulu.. (merebut lembar daftar lomba di tangan gw)
G: (diem, balik ngomong ke Pak Edo) iya Pak, lomba dari Trisakti kita ga dapet undangan ya?
E : Oh iya nak, kita kan harus ...... (ga tau deh dia ngoceh apa, membawa tanda tangan nya si Pak Ronald pula yang udah bertebaran daftar lomba di mejanya).. Jadi mintain dulu proposalnya.
A: Mana nih lomba Ekonya? Kok nggak ada?
G : Ya iyalah, orang itu tadi saya cari lomba design.. (sotoy deeee)
A : Yaudah ntar kita minta aja
E : Ga bisa gitu lohh, Pak Adiel (sumpah Pak Edo pake tekanan intonasi tiap kali ngomong kata 'Pak Adiel', macem dia suka ngomong nak ke anak2)... kan dari sana... bla2 (ga ambil pusink dia ngomong apa, sibuk liat2 kertas lagi)
G : Yaudah deh Pak ntar saya pikir2 lagi...
E : Jangan telat loh nak, besok terakhir. Jadi, ikut?
G : Nggak.. nggak tau maksudnya, mikir2 dulu... oke?

Hijrah ke meja BABEH, minta surat reko yang ternyata harus dikasih ke Pak Berkat... Keluar ketemu Bu Tatiek di TU, Pak Berkat ga ada, lari2, ke atas, terus kasi kertas surat rekonya si Helsa... Keringetan, gitu masuk presentasi... --" panas, gugup... kacau banget dah pokoknya tadi... untung hanya 40 menit kalo ga, bisa merinding gw... SAVE..

Pelajaran 9-10 : SOSIOLOGI
Always and never ga pernah... kena hawa ngantuk... Belon lagi, perdebatan antara kita dengan Bu Tikha... antara didikte catetannya dan dicatet depan papan... Akhirnya Bu Tikha mau juga ngasih dicatet di depan. Tapi abis itu gw selalu merasa waktu di saat itu bukan merayap, tapi nyeret... asli 5 menit lamaaaaaaa banget... Akhirnya gw udah ngantuk berat, dan pindah tempat ke tempatnya Randy karena dingin di tempat gw, gw menelungkupkan kepala, setengah pusing, setengah mendengarkan dongeng... (dongeng see gw blg) Terus akhirnya Bu Tikha menyadari karena gw denger dia sempet panggil nama gw, yah pasti gara2 gw tidur lah! Cuman angkat pala beberapa cm bilang " Pusink, Bu" terus lanjut tidur, kira2 15 menit, lumayanlah membunuh waktu. Abis itu seger, pura2 nyatet juga... Dan bel...

~_____________~ melesaaaaaaaaaaattttt... pulang... capek banget asli..

(can see my other post now at my Blog Class... just FYI)

Here we go..

Today, around 9 AM when Accounting class, and other students were very busy for remedial, I was wearing Jo's jacket, tightly, and writing on my file paper, with a black pen... Then I saw out of the window, sigh~ It's so cloudy there... It made me sick a lot, I remember again, that memory that should be disappear now...

I continued my job, until the bell ringing, time for break. Then I went out and took my meal outside the class, after that, I went to the library and borrow some books. Rain fell lightly, and I keep the jacket tightly, my head was really heavy, and I think I may out from the class. But, along Geographic class, I have no idea to follow the lesson, I even can not concentrate myself just to hear the explanation, just going around, hang on my chair, that was very cold by Air conditioner, then I pull the jacket tightly... My stomach getting sick again, really just like wanna die..

Bell was ringing, break again. Then I went to copy a recommendation letter for university, then walk there and here, until the bell was ringing, and I swallow my bread quickly.Along Economy Class, really, I just hang on my chair without jacket, even Randy has offer me to switch seat, and also want to borrow me his jacket.I have no power to say, just lift my head a little then said ,"No thanks".. after that I put my head on my desk, and let the air flow behind my back, through my arms, feel so cool, but I can not move, but ... even when my eyes were closing, to rest my body, I still took attention to Ms. Ciska's explanation, even there's no one words I've missed.After that, some of boys in front of me asked,"Are you sick?" I just said weakly, no. And after that, I borrow Randy's jacket, until the end of the class, looks like I regained back my health...

After waiting around one hour, washed my face, ate my lunch, then took a nap around 20 minutes, I must go for work. When I woke up, rain has fallen heavily, and on my way, it was getting bad, just like it touching my heart hardly, then I remember, about promise of The First Rain in This Season... Old promise, but I dunno why, I'm crying deeply and quietly in the car. I sobbed it and felt so sick, really sick inside that may not be forgiven.. I feel sick when rain keep fell down heavily, breathe heavily, and also feel a little fever...

Really, I met the children, some of them kinda make me mad, sigh~ after that I went home, it was so cold, that I just sit on my chair then close my eyes... Sigh~ really, it's sick at all.. So sick.. Until I went home and I must force myself to do that and this... I dunno why, but now looks like I want to hurt myself rather than what people do...

Now, I still have to finish my slide, my notes, and also myself... I don't know just feel like I am happy if now I am pushing myself... My feet feel so sick, knees also so painful... These pain come back just like a nightmare... Again and again.. Inspiration of the rain, after that, I got many idea to wrote, but looks like physically I still not ready at all... Aaaah I still have to collect many data for my college preparation. Must go to the doctor for get the letter of non color blind..

Sigh~

Then I read my class blog, really, a little funny, but it will be unforgettable memory in my life, in my senior high... Time passed again, time to do works... Sigh~

Sorry...I've decided to forget you, and move on to the future..I won't come back anymore... I will not.. I promised.

Fiuhh... really.. I cannot concentrate even for an hour,really, Math, and any other silly lesson, double and double, really NIGHTMARE, BIG NIGHTMARE...!!!

After tiring hours of Computer,Geographic, etc. Sigh~ Meeting that GUY AGAIN FOR TODAY!!!!! ZZZ, what kind of sin that I've done today!

Aaaaaaahhhhh... really like a big pressure meeting him and must facing the really... nasty flirting ... my gosh!!! Why must me..?? Do I looks happy when he do that?? -.- I just wanna say deeply, yeah there's many kind of people in this world.. Even I still can't believe myself... Looks like I must reduce 0 from his age.. Really, sick!! --"

Aaaaa, tomorrow my class will show a choir of Amazing Grace song... Must exercise a little more.... Ahem, looks like tomorrow will be more fun than today, because there's kinda ... presentation about where are we going after senior high?

Uhm... feels so bad today, class was very cold ... Aaaaahh..Feel my body very lazy even to move on, but today I pass many time with laugh... Hahahah there's always a thing to be laughed at. Uhm, tomorrow there's no tasks but I must review today's Math lesson, I was not paying attention at all along the class.

But I feel free today... Time get passed, I must going on now!!!!! No time for quiet and go to sleep, each time is money, man!!!! (alah kaya si ***** aja)

Sigh~ after my HSK test and another test, I feel just like very busy around from this condition. Getting a headache again just like yesterday.. (waiting for my meal)

Ow yeah..

Aaaah.... smells so good this udon, ahem. Seems wanna eat now...

Frustrated, and I was late go home now... sigh~ Really, suffer a lot inside my body, ahem, today I want to continue my tasks..

Feel full after eat~

Ahem...I dunno why today, waiting isn't feel very boring... until... HE MEET ME ON THE STREET...

~_~ my gosh!!!! Are there any stupid guy that offer a drive, then said it would be a scandal, really... ~_~ very stupid.... sigh~ just feel I was being like his toys sometimes, really... Aaaahhhh.... there's nothing I could think for, I think I should take a rest.. ~_~ fiuh...

I still remember in a TV Show that have a title A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes, and for a while I remember from its BGM sound is Cinderella's song..

Then I'm thinking of it til now.... Really... I don't mean not for having any dream along but..sometimes I feel I have a dream not in a right place... Sigh~ then now it begin to suffer again, even just a little..

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dream you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you with for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true....

Sigh~

I feel that in my dream I lose my feelings, I feel the heartaches, even when I am fast asleep, I'm grieving on my own, crying on myself... Even when I keep on believing on my dream, and when it happened, it scratch a big one...There's no one care. Frustrated.. depressed, and down deeply..


I wish if I can believe in dream, even looks stupid, or maybe looks nonsense, but I have no any idea that I could believe on again. It making sounds of ache.. Screaming quietly, making me feel so pressed, being cornered...

Sigh~

I have no any idea anymore.. I am really not in a good mood that I can trust one or another, I just believe, maybe this is the last one. The true feeling I felt 3 years ago, looks funny now, and maybe this will be too. How can I reach unreached breeze that I will never climb over it? And other fact that I will not own the crown as the chosen one... It keep making sound of my heart, truly.. I feel I can handle this by myself.. but in fact,I just like other, have my own limit.. Feel sucks with that..

I'd told myself for many times that I don't have to believe in dreams anymore, life is harder than we realize... And now, I realize that I don't have many time just like years before, this is the last chance for me. I really never know that high school year will end so quickly, just like yesterday I was a new student in grade 10, but now I'm in grade 12 and almost graduate...

Sigh ~ (get a new headache because copy of my score results is lost... gosh!)

Ah,I don't know why...I really have a great pain inside... I wanna cry, really want to cry...

Sigh~

Dream... is really I can make it come true?

Gilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa capek capek capek capek bangettttt, ga boong deh.Jalan kaki dari IBII ke rumah ternyata LEBIH JAUH dari apa yang gw bayangin...

Tadi di IBII nemenin Tine yang observasi kampus n keliling muter-muter studio komunikasi... n macem-macem lah, abis itu juga masuk ke kelas anak yg lagi kuliah, gilaa udah seragam mentereng lage warnanya ijo2 gitu... mampus dah gw bilang... --" Hahhahahah

Terus yah udaaah deee... jalan kakinya... Sigh~ ni lg melemaskan kaki, terus mo mandi, gila gw kaya kena hujan angin dan debu...Muka rasanya udah jorok banget, gatel sana sene... Mo keramas, cuci bersih semuanya deh, gila, besok gw kudu scrubbing total daaaahh... parah banget kalo nggak soalnya.. bisa numpuk semua deh daki dkk nya yang jorok2, hoekkksss....

Uhm hari ini, masih harus buat naskah pidato, bikin bahan presentasi, lum lagi harus kerjain drilling Inggris, belajar KWN yang bukunya ga gw bawa pulang, buset daaah bener2 banyak kerjaan, biz mandi, makan bobo deh...

~_~ I really dunno how, but this news spread so fast, and it really KILLING ME MORE than 3 years ago, when something like that spread in a same way...

Jelas aja lah ya!!!!! Gimana ga heboh kalo tiba2 menyebar issue gw dah married, sama manusia cumi!!! Notabene, statusnya still my teacher bro... at SCHOOL lage!!!! Aduuuuuuh gw bener2 mo meninggal dah rasanya... --" swt kabar trakir gw dblg lg hamil 1 minggu... astaganaga.... Dah speechless gwa rasanyaaaaaaaa...

Zzz... ~_~ but in truth, the most important thing that making this news getting hotter... is... HIMSELF!!!!! Really2 SUCKS!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... I can't believe that he can act just like he response it... --" My God... Yesterday on Friday, it was really big disaster...BIG ONE...

I have no power for say NO, it's not true, there's no one believe in me.. ~_~ Sigh~ getting my headache again...

Zzzz kesel2 lama2 gw iya2in juga neh biar pada seneng...

Now, can you believe that...hari Jumat kmaren, zzz caper bener, bikin gw jadi bahan omongan asleeee!!! -.- nanyain PS2 (lucu bener gw kae liat koko gw brapa taun lalu geto, pas dapet PS2), cerita2 yang ga jelas juga, netesin tinta n bikin brantakan meja plus MENODAI BUKU JURNAL... aaaaa bener2 deh..., senyum ga jelas gitu bikin gw merinding, dan kata2 paling mematikannya "Tunggu lulus aja ntar.." ~_~ sigh, for me, there's no any other mean (terserah deh gw dibilang lemot).. tape miss2 gossipers yang pasti seneng bener dengernya, loncat2 kegirangan setengah mati kae udah menang undian 3 milyar...

- Dia sih enak ngomongnya biarin aja(emang tipe muka badak ga tao malu), lah gw(maseh muka manusia)... aaaaaaaaa paling ga tahan digituiiiiiinnn -

Kayanya impian gw menjalani tahun terakir gw di SMA dengan indah pupus sudah...Hiks...

~_~ Gila dah bener2 di skolah topiknya skarang INDAH sih gw blg... -.-" guys stop pleaseeeee...!!!

This the story~

I remember that I always protecting 'it' .... Kept on the deepest of my heart, let it drown inside and never float on the surface... I'll never let anyone know...Even it feels hurt... hurt me a lot... I always act like there's nothing happen..

Little pair of wings, that it want to came out, spread into the world... spread outside of mine, making a barrier for myself... protecting me from the outside.. It supposed to be like that, but... I've been locked it deep inside so that it has lost its shine, its power to fly, its feels to protect, to survive...

Whenever it want to come out, I pull it tightly, and look at it sadly... with thousands of tears drop, I never want to let it go. I feel hurt... sick inside... Even just keep it in my heart, but it come through from my eyes,from my face... even I just want to keep it by myself.. Even I just want to keep it inside... I feel hurt... I think that it must be forgotten, I don't want anyone knew, I don't want anyone realize the truth... Even my body go through the future, I just say let my heart dying in the past... I wish if I can turn back time.

It look at me painfully, accompany me when I'm down, feeling sad alone, that I realize now, I'll never anyone get into me... That I've closed myself for everyone.. That I never want to any cure me, holding me, or just try to know me more... I don't want to forget... Even for an easy reason... even other think useless, even no one care... But I still want to protect it... I don't want to lose it... Even looks very bad, even I must suffer, but it will feel more sick if I forget... Because I will never forget? Each time I remember I will suffer more...

Now I'm on a point.. Will I release it? Let it fly through the other...Let if fly and spread its shine and let all of them smile... Even... I feel I will not be better after release... but I think there's no other reason for me now, to just keep it locked inside, even this hand still holding it carefully... Still hope that time can be turned back..

Sigh~

Really... Love this day.. Feel a little bit yeah.. free.

But, even my painting have not finished I didn't feel sad at all.. later I'll finish it.. Hahaha.. I still have no idea for that...Maybe tomorrow or next week, when I've my free time really for my own, must waiting until the inspirations come... Aaaah...

My MOF really stuck at all.. Today I realize that I have 65.000 PP on my ID, that I didn't realize for August Grass Cup.. But!!! ~_~ Aheeemm..~_~ I really wanna think about that... Maybe buy some double experience?? ~_~ Hahaha, or maybe buy some accesories... I dunno too.. ~_~ aaaaahh... --"

But there's nothing I can do... aaheemm...

Feel nothing want to do.. Sigh~ But I dunno why I have no desire to finish my painting... eventhough it's nice.. Aaaaah.. --" sad..

Sigh~ Looks like a huge meteor step on me...

Looks like I have no more cheer or even little smile on my face, even people can hear it just from my voice. Do I looks bad today??? T_T I don't know but I feel really depressed because I've not finished my comics and also my study, and the worst so many tasks ... I've not done them, even just one of them. Now, I'm searching for my KWN tasks, then.. also typing my Sociology paper.. Sigh~ These tasks really gonna kill my brain.

I have really no idea at all for typing any words about that, or maybe searching for another. Sigh~ Really, I'm not in a good condition for doing thing like that! ~_~ but I have no words to say, I must ready for school in around 4-5 days again... Back from comfort of holidays, move on to busy days just like a daily activity ... Feel lucky that I still have extra 3 days rather than college...

But really, I think I can't work in condition like this... Sigh~ Even for thinking,studying, not at all.. Feel embarassing, depressed so much at all... Aaaa how will I do this alone??? Feel sick at all!!! T_T sigh... really funny I think huh? Not really? I dunno too....But it's SICK!! I promised myself after finishing my paper,my kwn tasks, and also the comics (I think I will draw 2-4 more pages), I will take really BREAK TIME for cooling down myself. Really, no doubt for it! Sigh~ Think I will be crazy enough!

Lately, I woke up really late in the noon... T_T I dunno why...

Sigh~ My physical body seems suffer a little pain because of myself... T_T sigh.. I wish I could forget these..

I want to cry, but I can't I don't know why...

Here, feels so sick, painful... and really suffer a lot of pain.

Sigh~

None of them said that I'm bothering them.. even I feel really like that. I'm bothering their life, even when they said I am not, but at the end, should I give u the worst evidence to show you that I am the one who will crush your life into the lowest level? Should I?

Sigh~

^^ This kinda pity but really, for sure, It must be fun and not like this...

Today's schedule must be finish my comic (half) and study for my entrance test... Sigh~ but really my heart is not strong enough for works... Looks like I'd remembered into my past memories just like... how I spent holidays in the morning... and how the people I love very much, being hated by many of my friends.. And also by myself now...

This pain took deep scratch..I closed my eyes, hopes I'll no more longer feel it, but when I close my eyes... I feel I want to cry on my deep platform inside of my heart. Hopes this kind of pain will disappear, and I'll forget about anything that I ever spent together.. That I ever done together... Cry together, laugh, mad... and many more... I wish I never spent that time together, so I will never realize and regret about it...

When my face became sad... there's one who take care of me, he said he will never let me go, or just being taken of him... He said he will protect me... But deep inside, I was so happy that there's someone still look at me.. told so honest... But there's something inside, that I can't accept all of his kindness..

This feeling, this platform still chained by a rusty rope... That I realize I still can't opened that seal for another person, for another chance ... That I still never want t other step inside... Just for the one that passed away...I wish that I never hide myself into the darkness.. Into the bitter air that I breath on... I'm holding this inside, without any tears come out..

Really... It hurts inside here..

Should I choose you??

I'm not ready enough for love... I don't want to forget those painful memories...

But it keep suffer a lot...

Sigh ~ I can't believe IT!!

Yesterday, I think I'll collapsed coz of exhausted... Really.. Yesterday felt so short time to spent til I went home at 11:30 PM at night.. Waaawww.. But really I spent fun time with friends, chat together, watching dancing fountain, watching at the theatre and many more. Really it was FUN...

Because of that I think I can't continue my Fan Art, BUT today I'm starting from 8 AM, sat in front of my computer, and start working of course, giving shadows, and fixing some part and many again. I'm hopeless when everything is looks very bad, I mean too simple expecially BACKGROUND, I have no more idea beside of putting pattern on it!!But, accidentally when I decoreated it with some bubbles, I made itu into radial blurr, and whoaaaa really spinning and beautiful blue wind!!! Waawww nice accident!!! After put some star and add some bottles and wand, I think I'm finish then I sent it. Hope I'm not late for it.. Sigh~ I'm doing my best for it and I was really SATISFIED with the result.. Looks like there's no more tired left after working for many hours even without eat or drink or maybe rest for a little, nonstop!!! But I love that job, so that I didn't feel bored at all..

Now just waiting for the result, I think I've done my best, hopes for the best result too even if I don't win the competition, I've satisfied of myself... At least,I'm trying to made this Fan Art all with my OWN HAND.. ~_~ My First Master Piece!!! Yeaaah...Aaaaaa really, I'm very happy now... Totally...

Really... I think this gonna kill me.. Anytime...

I never wishes for something hard. Eventhough them... But, yeah, why me? I wish for my wishes come true, and they too. When I don't get that dreams come true, they also get the same thing, and it was because of me.. Sigh~Tragic huh?

Talking about it... just keep this pain killing me..

But, they can get more than just get me... Really, I think that I wasn't suitable for them, there's another way for them to gain their happiness without me. In the beginning, yes, it will be very nice, but I'm afraid for the next one..When they feel enough, they will leave, even I wishes for their happiness... I just a cheers that stand for someone else... I just kinda things that ever decorate them...

Guess what? I'll never be the same for them... Today's they need me, but tomorrow? I'm not doubting about their love for me, even for the reason because of my reaction, they do the opposite, then why? When you said you accept me, doesn't it means you have to understand about the other side that you can't accept? So that said 'I just accept your good side but not your bad side'.. That would fit better...

I don't mean to challenge each of them for that. It means nothing after all.. If they never realize what kind of FRIENDS they stand for. Even I was called headstrong enough, is that wrong if I stand for my own opinion? Why they mind if I choose to be different?? I never want to judge others that choose to be different, it's their own choice, why must I that take over about that? I just remind them if their choose is the BAD one... After that, it's still the same.. ~_~ They still on their own choice.

Sigh~ And also me. I'm in my own choice. Right now, must I accept and forget about him? As fast as that? Just like in the past, he ever done... It is not about taking revenge. It's about giving the other a chance, that may change everything.Maybe, with giving other some new chance.. I'll change another too.. But.. I'm afraid that they will disappointed after that. Maybe after a while.. I just make them sad.. And they would say ,"Better I never choose this"

Regret will always come late, but how I face these days? Time looks like killing me... Slow but sure... What kind of path? There's no one understand. I would care of, this secret that I never share with... Honestly, I don't want to repeat this again..

I wish of many great things I would receive with my hands. But... I am scared if I will broke someone's wish in my life... Even after he said NEVER MIND...

People can make any decision.. included me. Til now, I still can't forget about my past. It was too fast for me if I must walking with someone beside me.. as someone that I love to..

Sigh~ Time passed away quite fast. I really didn't realize year will change soon. hen I was a kid, I wish I can pass my birthday quickly from a year to next year, but now, really... I was really scare for each changed year.. I don't know, I just don't want to move so fast and being an adult. Sounds funny? I don't care.

Inside my hearts, I really scared to face to real fact. Fact that I will be alone, separated from others.. And also fact that I'll suffer a lot of pain again, especially in my graduation day.Right now, I really feel no free even a little just for share this story, this feel... No one can and no one will again. I was already knew, how my best friend for the last time betray me...And how painful when their words were no more longer I can believe ...

I'm looking with these empty eyes, hearing with these ears, and cry inside my heart.. Alone... There's no one could feel the same.. No one.. He won't know if I didn't tell.. Just HIM... Better run into HIM.. then cry loudly.. I believe ...HE will not be like THEM....

My dreams... still here, just waiting for time, when I'll let it go?

Right now at 11:25 PM...

My head getting dizzy, and this pain kinda killing me, really, it just like sticking from my right back to in front...Sigh~ This make me feel no comfort at all.. And the good thing is... I'm alone here, listening to the music.

Looks like if I have pair of wings I could fly then hide myself between the clouds...Really..

Night walks lately soon, but my feet still stand on the same land just like at noon. I'm still looking at that thing, still facing on mine, still looking in my deepest heart... I will forget the past, I will forget them... Sigh~ It keep getting hurt all the time... Really hurts myself...

I think how can I hurt another again with this fact? How can I face about people said around? How can I hold on this condition? How I must ....take care this?

There's people said that they love me but they can't accept all of me, all part of me.. there's also people said they love me, but they don't care about me, ..there's another said they love me, the accept me, and will be nice... wishes, wishes.. In fact people usually gives me good opinion, good sight,and also good wish about that... but when I didn't found it, I was totally hurt deeply, and when it HAPPEN... I'm ALONE...

Feel tragic? Not at all.. I don't want to be weak. But it doesn't mean that you can be weak..Really. Why? In the other side, I want to gain my own happiness, but in the other side, there's no one can understand what is the THING behind something that I've done? Something that people will never been realize... Even theirself...

Really if I could just cry... I would cry for why I must done this path? Why they must love a person just like me? I have no many goodness to love for, no good attitude, no sweet girls, no beautiful face, either beautiful heart...just like a littering thing... that God still take care of ... That just He is the One I could trust on....But why God create me to walk in this path? Why?? Why?? Do I holy enough for this kinda way? Or Do I sinful enough for this punishment? But I always think that God was always kind, and it was a pleasure for me if He want to allow me to walk in His path, if it is really His Path...

But for sure, really, I feel no strength anymore... I can't swallow anything just for eat... This pain, in my chest, getting worse... Sigh~ It's hurting me a lot...

The deadline is 30 September, I hope I still have enough time for coloring especially for the comic and fan art... after that I will focus on my next comic project and also with my short stories... Looks like task will never ended but really I love this kind of busy thing...

Next project... move on to next one, feel very proud if I can pass one by one successfully, ~_~ sigh at least learn about a new thing for each tasks.

Really.. I still cannot believe myself that last Tuesday I was called by Lyto Staff that I was the winner of the Poem Competition for Event Seal 2nd Birthday!!!!

Wew... MP3 even just a little thing, but ~_~ FREE.. just for that FREE... waaaawww.. ... Very happy!!!!!

Sigh~

This is my second winner after my first Quiz on MOF, really, now I'm preparing myself for making short stories for another competition... I don't know why but since elementary school, I really like compete others... But tomorrow is my last test day then I want to play MOF, searching for Libi [based the event]...

Aaaaaaaaaa there's so many thing I want to do after tomoorow's school day off!!! BIG HOLIDAAAAAYYY.... Really interesting, aaaah... But I still can't believe by myself!!! Aaaaa... But tomorow there's silly ECONOMYC TEST!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, sigh~ really, I feel happy, tired, and many more!!!! But really on Wednesday I even can't closed my eyes for a rest, pretty busy whenever the test was starting made me silly and also the paper of our study tour... Then I slept for 11 hours, I guess it was paying back the time I spent the day before.. And now here I am with my Economyc books... But I pretty happy that I'd already seen my poem on the website, play viwawa for a while, and tomorrow there's will be MOF ont there!! BRAVO! BRAVO!! GO! GO!GO!After this a painful week, there will be ANOTHER HOLIDAY AND ALSO PROEJCT.. My comics, my stories, my novel, my picture on canvas, here I come. I am ready to DO THAT!!! Yeah!! Let the SPIRIT MOVE ON!!

I was being sent to the graveyard by someone.. Maybe, I was wished to be died...

Really feels suck when I lost today because of cowardness...

--"

HATE IT...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...

Right Now is 1 :13 AM

Sigh, I still collecting the materials... After print them, I'll go studying then go to sleep.. Getting dizzy... FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!!! MOVE TO FINAL!!!!

WE MOVE ON TO SEMIFINAL!!!!!!!!!

Really we're so depressed because we just answer around 9 questions on theory from 25 questions...

~_~ Hahahhahahah really, and also we are on the fourth grade after SMUK 1... Really surprising us!!!!!

Hahahahha... But really... it's a tough, amazing and unforgettable moment...Really... Speechless, I should say like that... And today we got an oppurtunity to talk a little with Ms. Palo... our teacher's teacher... really fun, really she said that she still remember them...

Waaaaawww.... even it's tiring and now I'm totally out, but I know that we'd done a good job, and also for the next day... ~_~ SIGH!! KEEP GOING!! GOING! GOING!!

I have a little time for rest now... Aaaa...

Maybe strange, I had no made the first one, but never mind, because today is the second day we will BATTLE ON!!!!

I've prepare myself with studying carefuly about FIFO LIFO, because I want to finish the main test of today's Competition.... After that, I still read some theory and also studying again about DEPRESIATION...Sigh~ it come a lot of question about that and I am not learn very nice yesterday, so if today's it came out, I'll be ready to face it... Aaaaaah, JIA YOU JIA YOU!!!! Ganbatte minna-san!!!!

Now I silence myself, prepare for my mind... ~_~ Browsing, listening to the music, and Aaaaaahhh... ~_~ Come on... I will do this and move on to Saturday's SEMIFINAL.... God is in our STEP todayyyyy.... Sigh~

I dunno why but really I feel really energizing for today, I dunno why, but seems very powerful to face today's test..Sigh~_~ Ganbatte!!!! Fight for IPSUN...

Really, I want to move on until Saturday.... Yeah, there will be nice reunion there.... Hahahahah...

Today... the result of semifinal finalist will be announced... wish we are on the way of that.... BRAVO! Really, we're so down yesterday until we knew that we are on the grade 5 from 23 team... Really surprising us!

Woke Up with a dizzy...Feels pressed on in my chest heavily til I can breath, then now I'm right here in front of my computer, I don't know what should I write in here?

Really if not because tomorrows Accounting Competition, I won't hold til now... Sigh I dunno why I'm being like this. At least at 1 AM I must started even untill 5 AM... Sigh~ I must hold on this...

Must...

I don't want to disappoint others

Sigh~ Even I think this gonna be worse... Sigh~ betting now..

Really, getting more dizzy now... sigh~ I hate eating any tablets of medicine, I just feel there's something I've kept on that I never realize, it hurting me until my body... right now..

Gila rasanya sableng bgt msnan ama banyak orang...

~_~ pada banyak bener yang ngajak chat, dr yang ga penting sampe penting...zzzz dizzy a lot.

I tried a lot to hold these tears, even with read so many jokes, but I just smile, without any passion for laugh freely.....

Suicide, in a hotel, in a hospital. Really I don't know what kind idea I've got to draw, when I think about it then I've just draw it, then it's over... Just like the last one... N I'm thinking of new idea. I'm in mood drawing people with deep feel in a room... full background I mean, as an exercise too..

But I'm in mood for new story for new comic...Not in mood continue the one before, but I must, eaaaaaargghh... I want to make the debut if I can with this..

Sigh... really... can't perform better than this... Move to Account please...

Sigh~ I woke up in the morning with a dizzy, n a phone call... after chat for an hour, sigh I'm silent myself, and thinking through... Now, while I'm listening to Suteki da Ne, these tears began to fall down, picking the lost memory back into myself...

Depend on someone that hope for life, meet someone she loves.. that sacrifice his life for her life...That he already exchanged his soul for her... that's a main idea for my new comic. Beside that, I'm thinking of does it means about me? I mean, I'm making description of mine....How far this hand want to reach, and how deep this feel just want to see his face, that she would never see him anymore...

Even she regret about the exchange, even she regret she can't open her eyes to see him for the last time, even when she was trapped in a dark path... Even time passed away so far after the exchange, even she regret for the life... She never realize there's a price that must be paid for a life... She never realize in the life she regret for, it was the hope of him, that he'd already exchanged for with his soul...

I'm holding again these tears when the rain fall down heavily and ended quickly...Must I made anyne regret about that? Even in a different cases, I'm living with pain and regret about that, even there's someone that already exchanged his soul for mine... Eventhough I feel I'm not worth enough to be loved, I regret about the sacrifice... Why? Why must sacrifice for me??

Even now when I'm breathing from yours, I will never saw you anymore... I will never saw your face under the morning sunshine, I'll never hear you funny voice when you laugh my silly act, I will never find any pieces of yours... Life with a memory about you is suffer a lot... It hurts me every time... Even when you saw me from an invisible place that I will never reach...I will never saw you even you've reach me so near.... For these each tears I ever drop... it's will never be the same for the price of your souls...

Really, tough Saturday, and it was a surprise to be licked by kids, hiyaaakkk, I mean licked for the true MEANING...

But after that I have fun with friends and playing for around 2-3 hours with them... Spending time together and totally refreshed til now.

Now, I'm sketching for novel's draft, n then also want to study Account...~_~ well... I don't know what should I write right now.. I'm kinda lost of words whenever I'm happy.. feel no worry about. FORGET ABOUT HIM, ENJOY MY LAST YEAR!!

Abis makan bakso enak banget.... ~_~ aaaaahhh nyaman n nikmatnyaaa...

Sigh~ I don't know must happy or not but surely, I feel a little disappointed... Maybe totally disappointed. The percentage of it is already 0% right now. Feel sad? I don't know too... For sure I don't know... anything, at least for right now.

I can't believe how silly I can be!!!!!

Sigh~ Feelings must always be different than other, that's me.

Eventhough I really want someone for... but I think it's not the right time to think about that after losing someone that important, less than 1 month..Important... How can I lose that meaning of words? How can that feelings come through when I've had someone besides me...

Hard to believe that I must lost each of them in a distant time...Must I worry? Or must I sad?? I don't know anything, I feel no more feelings to feel... There's no pain, even when I am smiling, I really don't know how can I smile behind all of these... When I am smiling, I hide all of about this... I must hide all of about secret that I won't tell anyone... That I won't let anyone touch it, reach it, or know it... I have one side that I do't want any other know about that... Even if I've trusted more to them... I feel that this is just the only secret that just me and God that know about that... These pain, never lst, suffer in each beats.

Eventhough people think this is silly or simple, for me, it's not as simple as that... Really... If I've done something out of the line, that means I have my other reason for doing thing like that... And also in this time.I have another reason that people may never realize, eventhough I fail... Yeah, I've know from the very beginning that it won't work how hard.. I'm no the CHOSEN ONE...

I just about the helper in this life... Won't be chosen... Eventhough they want to choose me...

Sigh~

This feeling keep coming through. After read the full version of short story that I read when Indonesian language test last Monday…I'm keep thinking.. Is that really that girls will be always lose? Sigh I don't know why I can think like that... Beautiful girls, the perfect one, they have beautiful face, nice body, light skin, and man likes them eventhough they don’t have enough beautiful behavior just like their outer beauty... But why, that type were being liked by all of men, included him...I know for many years I always lose to them, yeah even for once, I leave someone for a reason that I don’t want to leave him but I have no other choice...

Beautiful girls, since a long time..I hate them. I hate being like them, just like feel nasty touching mud, or if must go to the village, that wash their faces until 5 times in a day, need so much time just to put blush on their cheeks, and many more like that. Daily, I just be like this, just the real me, I'm not in panic for one or maybe more acnes... Sigh~ Beautiful girls, I really don't like them since I was a kid. Really, for sure I never have a bad experience with them, but I just think that I don't like them...And IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THEY ARE...But now I' facing again one of them...

I don't know what the exact reason why she became so mad at me then even I never met her...It's strange for me...I never done something bad, at least I never doing something that can hurts her feelings but really I don't know why she was very angry at me? How can be she can fight me if one day she meets me... I'll not lose for a battle, but at least for a good reason so that I would hit without any regrets, and I don't find any of it.I think it would be fun if I can make a little bruise on her face, then she will be very very panic at least for one weeks until the bruise gone. Really I still don't know why. Even he already told me not to mind it today, but I'm still thinking about it..Why must be me? I always be the one that must be the WRONG one for any cases.. Beside of fact that I will never be the chosen one. So that what kind of pressure I must hold on my shoulder?? I was never been accepted, or maybe in some cases I refuse to be accepted...Beside of that, I still have to be around them. People like her. I don't know, but exactly, she's really the type I will never like for any reason... Beautiful, if just on the outside, so she must be FAKE... Remember, I hate FAKE... Talking about her, that means I also HATE HIM. Why? People who just see the outside, for a reason, because she is beautiful even she just QUITE enough kind... Then, sorry... I HATE people that just think as deep as that...

Sigh ~

Even I have known the real fact, but I think and I don't know why, I know I must forget about that. I'm not the chosen one, just like in other cases before. I'm not their type to be chosen. But why? Why must me? After today I hear a story about a title " Why must me, God ?". I really don't know why I still could not believe that I was the one that must face this... Even for many times I've already said to myself, you must be strong, you must face and pass this. Words were very easy to said when we've already passed the tough times. But most of us groan sadly and painfully when they are facing through that times, right?

I don't know why... but really.. I HATE beautiful girls...