I don't know why, but actually, I was really sure that I can handle my emotional, but I don't know why ... so this afternoon happened things like that...

Til now, I lost my voice because of screaming so hard about thing I'd held for long times. I really don't have any idea about what I supposed to do. But how can I forget about this? Even she said not to remember, I'm not a robot that can be programmed to or not to save about something. And even she said to me that we must survive...She also have no idea when I asked about the answer about my question. She just said,"Then if you want to die, just DIE." Really if I have another choice, better I go to the place that there will be no one look for me.

Can I forget about this home? About how disappointed me in my young? How I must handle things that I should not supposed to in my age now...How I hold every wishes between my other friends... How many I must sacrifice my happiness for this family? But each time I go home, I feel just like home is not a place for me to really go home. Each time they said we as a family, I don't think that we are one as a family, just most likely individuals walk on their own way. And when I hold my family's name behind my name, I feel just like an adding for making my name written longer.

How can I said things to my parents? When I said about my problems, they just said "Just a little bit like that, you'd already give up. When I was young..." and so on. Should you compare me to yourself? Or maybe just like you never take attention on me? Just said that you love me, you care about me, but see. When I talk about my college, you seems happy if I don't continue until college, and stay at home, until find my soulmate, married and become a good housewife. The other just seems encouraging me so that I can be strong. But hellow, please? Do you live through like this? When you're young. When you need the real figure of parents. Even I know you said in you young, you also facing the same ... But under pressure like this. Better I'll never come home.

As a child, I seem like the ne who had not experienced anything yet, had not known anything yet, and also don't know right or not. Pressured very much. A person that had already take away my young, take away my happiness, and runied all my life!!!! I swear I will kill that person someday...

As child, I tried to do all things that can make my parents happy. Learn properly, not press them so much to grant my wishes, but is that a reason for them to take easy on me? Suffer inside is really worse more than outside... I know sometimes they said they are trying to carea about me, but in other side, they just care about their own bussiness. About this, about that. And as child, am I wrong? If I want to said that I really felt n one really care about me as a parents. Sometimes I just think care is about routine that they must do? Am I wrong IF I SAID ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE THIS? I really don't supposed to write like this, but every time, when my life getting longer, I just feel like more hurt, more suffer. Even anything I'd done.

Come home and then eat, sleep, go again. Simple things...

But I hated, really, I want to scream, but can I see this family ruined?

But when I suffer, I feel joshed around. Feel nothing. Feel so asshamed.

How can I trust on again?

Smile just like when I still a little girl, laugh... share anything with them. I prefer to be my own than trusting others...

My brothers, both of them are same. Never take care about others, just care about their bussiness, about their own problems, and I think we are not like brotherhood.. Just like stranger live in the same house. Really, I felt bitter in my own house, the basic place of life ...

Simple for them, but not for me...

..... I am not wish for scratching my wrist... or end my life.

I just wishes, passing these days, when will it disappear? See the same view, see the same again and again, feel the same. Then how can I forget just like my mother said? OF COURSE I CAN NOT FORGET ABOUT THIS!!!!!!

Now... there's no one hear me just like before... No one... When I prayed in the middle of night, feel so lonely.. alone.