...

Today's afternoon, I supposed to be happy when he saw me for many times and we talked along, spent so much time together today. I see the same person, the same smile, the same kindness,the same style of him... all about him..

Time changed so fast. I remember when the first time we met, until one year passed, we still do not know each other well, rather I hate him very much.... One year is a short time for us to know each other better in many events since I've been in social class and I have so many spare time to do my hobby...And so much time we have create together... laughing together, with all of happiness and sadness... One year is a short time to make so many sweet memories before I graduate,and also short time before I leave.

Last week... in the same day as today. I saw again. Different sight of him. That I know that it would not be come true.Today I feel so confused, and deeply pain in my heart, when he talked to me just like before, when he smile, when he said many things about past. Something that I can't stop, it keep make me remember something I want to forget.I feel that each of memory that he create today, just like a disease for me later. Collected, slowly.. but very sure.

When I remember this lately, about my backbone problems, about my family, about other I must handle by myself. Some of them told me not to take attention on it, but how can be I do that?How can I forget and act just like there's nothing happen to me...? Each time I smile, I feel sick inside. When I laugh with others, I feel empty for the after.Each time I spent loneliness in night, I cried by myself... quietly so that there's no one realize. Feeling when I smile, laugh together.. just like they want I look okay.

I don't know exactly how many time left for me.Disease that caused hurt inside and outside my body..Sometimes I feel just like want to end this.. but I can't..I wish someday could forget, or maybe avoid all of this. But, will I be happy by that? Looks like never ending was coming to face me.Why? I really want to leave alone in an unreal world rather than like this. Somehow, I may smile even just a little... not just like now, smile, laugh, just like a corpse without a soul... it makes me hurt a lot. Even when I realize about all of that.. about this feelings, about the disease, and all about them. There's no one release me from them... I missed the day I ever spent with smile together with them, just like in the past. Is that too much? Is that a difficult one to reach?

Feel sick, and these tears come down again.