My Holy Platform

Okay, okay now, I think there isn't a week after I finish the last one test, that they said as Mid Semester Test. Now I'm facing the End Semester Test.

Tomorrow is Civil. ~_~ Yeah the same schedule, just different days... ~_~ I will try my best facing this one. Last test, the last one before the National Exam and School Very Final Test. Huaahmmm...

Boring day, kind like very bossy for me. But, I dunno why I have an opinion like this...

=3=

Kinda maybe, confused... Now, I'm in spirit of making comics, new kinda of story of course, with the plot first. I have been enough making comic without the real plot before... Finishing my acrylic paint... And also my photoshop and illustrator course... XD~SPIRITTT... Take my dinner, my coffee break, then go on!

I thought that practical test is much better than theory test, but now I change my mind, I was totally WRONG!

== I'd been waiting, maybe about 10 hours in these 3 days, just for a turn that not be more than 10 minutes.. And realize what is the main effect of my headache because of today, I hear about many things.. I could be crazy in count of days maybe..

Really.. don't have time for thinking about another else..And practical test will be held til next week, I just wondering what will happen next if in the first 3 days, are silly enough for make me crazy!!

== btw, I haven't take any picture of myself.. ==" well, need many photo of myself, for what.. many things of course.. XD~ cmon, practical test is kinda killing me, slow but sure... GAHHH!

Sick of these test, after sick History test, then begin again with Math!!!

After this I don't think that I can get some rest too, remember that next week is practical test.. ==" kinda make me crazy really... I'm sick of this oneeeeeeeee

I dunno, but it was getting worse right now.. ==" I dunno really it is getting better or not..

~_~ really... I hope it will be pass away, maybe in such a simple time...

I still can;t believe how can this happen?? For now, at least I never hope more for anything else, just a simple life, with warmness and silent... Somehow, I feel no comfort at all for many noise around. Many sounds... I dunno if I had changed so much like this or not, but exactly, I just know about..I want to let this go...

Strange somehow huh?? ==" yeah I'm feeling like that... Even there's no even one words that I can trust from him. Not even, because I know, it such a gameplay... ~_~ and for what??

=="

I feel really strange that I realize it was so hard for me to trusting other people.Really. I'm doing my project today. At least, I can make it better than now.. Releasing my busy day with this way. Just only. Improving skills in my spare time.I even never want to remember again about things happen today.

Thanks God that I had already finished my essay... =_________= really, and now my shoulder feels so sick.. I dunno why~

I bought lot of comics very cheap today... XD~ Milk Crown Series my favorite... Feel I want to be like Oto...She has Jin beside her... Just guess who is Jin in my life...

Actually, after thinking a lot, I still didn't change so much than yesterday, still feel sick about that. Yeah, everyone know that it is not easy to forget something important for you... But I feel that I should not kept something that useless, or maybe will hurt me in the future. Sometimes, things that we want, and things we must go with is different. And I think that I will facing things like that if I still move on with this wish. Why? Actually, feelings can change, but need years for changing everything to be normal again. And we don't have enough time to wait.

Okay, it make sense if he said that he can, but it doesn't make sense for things he has done for years, you know? C'mon, back to the real world, it is not as easy as you're flipping coin or another.. The worst fact is I will suffer more than this. See, there are so many person, even they don't like ways they must do, because it was the only things, it was the only chance they have, and they will not gonna miss it, rather than they must do it eventhough they didn't like it.

And including me there... I must doing this eventhough I don't like it.. see?

Sigh~ my shoulder getting sick when I typing... I must stop now..

Do you ever hear? If someone's heart is being hurt for a long time and often, it can turn into a rock. As hard as rock, as cool as ice... If you think that I'm just wondering around... you should think twice.

How should I forget... People who blame on me without any kindness, without any sympathy, or even just more than prefer to do it cruelly... And how could I forget people who betray me.. that I'd give them a trust~ so that I will never ever trust you when you'd disappointed me even just once, I will not.. And it's effect even on him...

Today, I even can't swallow my breakfast, my lunch and pass my dinner. Rather than I said, there's no hungry, maybe it will fit, because I feel hurt so that I don't feel hungry at all. Now, I'm here, typing half of my task. Almost finish but I'll not finish it today. I still have many things to be done. And why? Kind heart could turn into hard and cold one?

People have their own limit for tolerance. Tolerance about other bad habit, bad things, bad words. And when it reach their limits, it will turn all. It will change almost 99% condition. And it happen to me, not for the first time. But I even can't count for the how many times...

People that I should not forgive, not because I could not forgive. People that I should not trust, not because I could not trust. That's why the Bible said, human, no matter how perfect he/she is, they will disappoint you one day, but when you're in God, God will never disappoint you... And I admit that it was a true fact, even sometimes God gives me a hard way to do. But the result never disappoint me, right?

I ever want to be honest, but they never give me a chance to. I ever want to try for the second times, but I was too scared that it will be the same... Then what should I do?? The same thing happens with people that today disappoint me a lot. Even he never realize that he has been already disappointing me, he never realize, and will never go for apologies...

People that I should never forgive, people that I should never smile to. But until today, they still never realize because I never be honest. And when I am saying this truth, there's no one will accept...It's kinda funny right??

Then, I just thinking, after a long time ago. Today... it has turned into an icy statue inside. As hard as rock, as cool as ice..

Everybody know that 2 weeks in front is a BIG SUFFER for us, Class XII... Why? I should said, we have to done exams, and also tough weeks, and of course lot of tasks that I dunno why we must do that during the exam. Nonsense...

==" If I think I could done in two days, I might be wrong. And now I was told of new project that wait in front of me. I'll not miss it. Maybe I need 1-2 days work to done the project...My God... I just want to finish my painting today... Really, I want to finish it!!! Arrrgghhhh.... and also my other oil painting too... Hahahahah... Love painting, things that can remake my mood at least for now. I want to prepare myself for dong painting after this... At least, I must finish all of blank part and fill it with colour, for the flowers.. ==" sigh~ but I feel tired, really. Maybe tomorrow, Today, I want to type my essay, maybe around 15-20 questions. So that tomorrow I can finish my paint nicely...

After finish I'll feel better, Yes I must!!! Love art really... *hugs~

Better I take a bath, then take a rest for a while.. before starting go down with my works... till midnight...==" another tough day to pass.

I'd thought for many times, and still on the same question without answer... why must him?

I really appreciate if someone else, with better attitude switched on his position in my life, really. Maybe I will not have any desire of taking a big hit on his head.

I still have many tasks, many things in my schedule for this 2 weeks, and it such the busiest one I should take in this month, 2 weeks of test and trials..Tasks, and many more, more again about songs too, many more about many things again.. I feel I don't have enough me, just like today.When I fell asleep yesterday, feel that I'd missed many time.Sigh~ today I must finish the picture, a little bit of long essay again, and learning for tomorrow's test.. Sigh~ such as many things to do... again and again.

Sometimes, I don't like being honest, but sometimes... it looks so funny, really. I don't have any idea again for taking this problem..

Maybe silent is not a good way, but I must keep continue this. ==" I really don't think, if there are any people like that...

I should take my time doing many things else... yeah... == I think..

Dunno is it a fit title or not? But I feel BIG DISASTER MORE THAN FRIDAY!!!!!

Sigh~ I think I will lost many energy because of this...I feel really desperate because of this things, and guess what? I FEEL WANT TO EXPLODE SOMETHING OR ANYTHING... ==" silly...

Really, if I have something to throw maybe I'd thrown it to his head, looking for his act today that make me very very tired of this kind of things. Maybe right... ==" eventhough there's many person who don't care about people opinion or about anything they'd said, but I CARE ABOUT IT.... And effect of his WORD WAS SO BIG even for my apologies...

Sigh~ I still can't believe that it could happen, during the exam... And it was really ruined.... Better I ruined his head... urrgghhh, exam, again and again I really hate EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even when we had already known about a truth, but when someone tell it in front of you, I beat that it cause more pain of honesty.

And that was an incident today....

Feel like I was facing the worse day in this month. TOTALLY REFUSAL... Again, my heart getting sick, and I can't stand again even for thinking or facing him again tomorrow. It's not about how strong I can stand for... but it stands for how do I feel, when I know that, it is ruined all... probability might not be 0, if it can be minus....

I don't know how can be ... again... it was so sick...I must ran again into the other world, world that I can release a little of this pain, world that just know me.

Yeah, I think it was a beautiful day... after finish my task and my test nicely, but... I'm here again with this kind of thinking.

Yeah... I'm not pointing anyone right now, it just I was the one who think too close, even I'd been try to forget it..~____________________~ kinda hurt not because I want to forget, but actually because I was... not beaten actually..maybe ... just as an audience.

Every time when I feel that I has been strong enough for facing the truth, but I am not. Then I just don't know again what should I do next? Sigh~

Run again into my world that are so fake, unreal, and light... Feelings that I should not hide from myself.Hate myself that can't be strong, hate myself that I always lie... I try to cover myself, I try to do anything that possible, but all of things are fail...And also not because desperate of facts, but I just want to forget, really... just forget him and let me alone!Why will it be a hard thing such this?

It was really a disaster Tuesday, Realize that I had not taken bath, and ==" look in a mess, really..

Doing my Civil essay, then I must continue again, after around 5 hours ... ==" struggling maybe..?? --" really sucks.. must continue again... Sigh~ Really, March is gonna like HELL ....

Actually (gak mungkin banget ini gw bilang morning udah siang menjelang sore...), it was a good feeling when I wake up (really!!! for the first time in this year) at 06 : 23 AM in the morning. Feel it was a great feeling to start the day. But it was not...

Til now I had not finished any exercise yet...Still thinking... of many things really...

Still have no idea to begin anything now... I'd like to exercise first so that for the prize (I feel so childish doing things like this), my Pizza bread and a cup of hot tea... =) yummy, after taking a bath then eat it while I'm learning Math.. XD~ I must take some schedule, maybe tomorrow at school, my brain looks like works better in school rather than at home. Usually, not sometimes.

Huahhmmm... still thinking of many things. Realize that I hadn't finished my essay at all.. ==" Not mood in making it... I'd thought that I can spent today with making cake, try some new recipes again.. Not just silent, alone, then full of thinking what should I do in my mind...

Now, I'm helping my friends, still in last grade of junior high to do her try out exercise... Better than I back in my bussiness, tomorrow's Math test is really sucks to do!!! ==" Civil essay too.. TT______________TT I'll start at three, really. I even hadn't taken bath since morning...

Time passed by so quickly. I think I'll printed the picture at night, after I finished maybe half of my essay, my Mat and my exercise.. Do it later.. (again and again! Really Gab, when will you changed this habbit?)

Really wow day!

Why? In the morning, I ate my favorite bread!!! Pizza bread, it's made my mood getting better after woke up in the morning, and can't eat anything... luv today's breakfast... Pizza breaaaadddd... XD~

After that, in my part time job, there's sale of comics, then I'll got some of comics that I want to buy long time agoooo..Feel very happy that I can get Milk Crown with full version with special prices too... XD~ feel that it is my lucky day today... Yaay, I also take some other comics with me..=) Cooking comics and many more again.

After get home, I had been faced to my lunch, really... == (godaan iman banget nggak seeee)Because, I planned to exercise myself, but I prefer my lunch, in fact.. TT________TT, and the weather outside was extremely hot lately, including today, so that I prefer lay on my bed with air conditioner, really hot~... I think that I'll do my exercise for around 30 minutes again. Hehehhe, delaying again.

I'd like to manage my schedule for my preparation of National Exam, Mid Semester Test, practical Test, and many more. Of course my task ofdoing Civil's Task, for 25 number of question to be answered in essay. My Gosh! Just kinda ruined all my day of course...

I feel a little confused of things I should scheduled .. Better I made some scratch in a paper, == and also making list of important things~ many again, many things are in my head!!! == The thing that I need more preparation is only (OF COURSE) P.E. Test! PRACTICAL TEST, so that I realize I had no alent at all in sports, event just simple sports as running.. ==" Begin manage my time pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee... XO, PANIC TIME will begin immediately, soon after tomorrow Monday... huaaaaaaaaaaaaa...Even there's no time for thinking about that problem. That will be the good news I think.

I remember about this parable, in a film, Passing the Giant...~ yeah something really go through my heart.

After today, I got busy with the squid~ stapling the paper, and sort some kind of things, then talk so much silly things such as.. (really, better I don't mention it..) how about farewell trip? And many more ==" make my head getting sick of silly question he asked for...

Now I'm telling about this parable...
There are 2 farmers in a village. Both of them are praying so that God will fall a big rain for their farm.. Because it is so dry there until they can't plant anything. The first farmer prepare his farm so that when rain comes, it was ready to be watered. But the other ones just let his farm and waiting for the rain... If you are the God, which one will get the rain??

Sometimes people asked something that they are not well prepared yet, but they are keeping pray and believe. It is not wrong. But if we still don't have enough capacity to gain that thing, how can God give it to us?? God will give at His time, when we'd prepared for things He'd prepared for us... Don't it will be a mess if God give it when we are not well prepared??

I'm thinking of this things, and find out that it was totally true. I am not prepared enough for His surprise, for things that I always want to, I always asked too... If I'd prepared enough, God will not hold it any longer, because He believe that I will not make him disappointed... Do I wrong?? So that know I must prepare myself. Prepare for the best, and also the worst, why? I'd promised myself to release... and also had decided that I will facing days just like days before, even feels so hurt, even I think about many things, even it was nonsense, even there's nothing I can changed, even I can't be compared, but... I still have the same feelings just like the other on his side has...

That's why... I must get prepared. If I'm not, it means I need more time again to wait.

I think that I'd succeed, just like I'm a little girl that very happy with a little candy.

But now I realize, I can't limit feelings like this. I can't make a line for things like this.. I still have the same things even with different act and theory....

Sometimes, I thought that I should change memory into statue in my heart, but sometimes, I feel that it will be melt because of the statue just like an ice... It can't stand forever...

Sigh~ again in my pain and disappointed...

I feel proud when I beat my own feelings today and yesterday...
I feel calm when I can say to myself that I'd forgotten about him
I feel that I just try to lie on myself, eventhough hurts and it was nonsense to do...

But still never give up done things like that... ahahah silly..

I dunno, but really inside, I feel very desperate so that I slept for over 10 hours, and I even didn't open my books for today's test.But luckily, I'd passed my test nicely...

Then for today, I'm starting for my mission, keeping distance, even feel so hard, but I must, right now...

For I don't know how many seconds that I'm holding sick inside, making me feel so hard even for breathing. Even just for that reason, and when I woke up in the morning, feels that I'd already lost my feel, til I can't feel anything around.

Sometimes, maybe seems so hard, but.. =) I will not move if I never try. So I think this is the best chance that I can use for. The best time I should start. With a new step, a new thought, a new of everything that I will not fill my head with memories in the past, but with new idea of creating my new day everyday, with something more useful, more cheerful, and more better than yesterday.

Sigh~

Sometimes, when I lifted up my face, I just whisper some word to myself, that I will passing this for few months, and it will be finish, not only fr short term, but forever, that I will never back into him again...I just want to release this bind, again... even it was hurt... I know that I have to...

So, I'm saying goodbye again.

Today, I enjoyed very much about painting my brothers task... >< even I'd not been in training for years, but, looks like there's improving from the last time I painted..

Tomorrow's test that I should pay attention is Math, even looks easier, but actually, it was not...

Not about heart feelings, but really hurts when someone you trust stick on you deep. There's also many apologize for those who want to, but there's a pain that left, there's hurt that can't be cured, there also a regret that appear... Even when I never hope many, people turn on me just like I hoping much on something, even for a simple things that I can't get from others around.

When I cried all along again, when I feel frustrated, there's no one go into. When people feel bored on my words, when people ask me as a compliment, when people forget about me, when people never realize about me... when people judging me by themselves, just like what they want, just like they want to... such a thing, or maybe as a pet?

That's why I never want to open, never let it out or others come into. So it will be at the same position just like the last time I saw it, still the same, even covered by dust... That I will blow them all into the other world, but keep it safe... without anyone there... I prefer to be alone, but why when I share, the make me disappointed by act like that?

Today, I bought a big strawberry cake to school. Happy XD~ It was delicious, the first tart that I made with whipping cream... ><

I dunno why, but it was very weird... Yeah, as I know that I usually happy with things he done, but not today. Each words, each things, that made me sad, feel empty and sick, fall down deeper more. Deeper more, and I don't know why, I came into this thing again... Feel weird, regret, disappointed and painful..

Even I was very happy when I can finish my cake.. You know that I was dreaming for making a big strawberry cake for myself, and I'd made it, but just like you see... Things are ruined now... Not ruined at all, but maybe inside my heart, totally ruined...^^ Just like I had done none for today. Even when I'd tried my best. Even tomorrow is valentine day... The day to share love with others, friends, parent, or maybe someone you love..

Then go back to this condition, I am going to a reunion, from my elementary school.

Someday, I just want to be honest.. But sometimes, I must facing a fact that I can't stand for things like this... I must change my way, my directions, but it was hard when I'd already comfort with the way I'd walked for til now... And if I will fall in front, I will regret even just a little that I ever take this way with me...

Weird things. Even seems like he want to appreciate my works, but that eyes seems regret or maybe very ... yeah just like yesterday, he was saying thanks very weird, said things that he never said before... Just like yesterday and not like the day before...

Things that I must face from now... because, it will be suffer more then.