My Holy Platform

I think that I can accept that... But I'm wrong, because even I can't accept it from the very beginning, but always run from the reality.

Do I regret of having life path like this? Looks like I'm taking sympathy for myself, but.. can't I tell a little of my pressure...

I'm just trying to overwhelm this.. But I don't know why, I'm always take a wrong way. And people said that mistakes that make us realize about something wrong so that we will not repeat the same mistakes in the future. But how about me??

I thought that, I never learn from my past. But it's all about feelings.. That even I want to stop, I can't. When I want to forget, I can't too...

Even when I spent many times, but I will always come back to this place, with a broken heart, feelings, and hopes... And he said that I am weak.Yeah, maybe he's right... I'm weak.

I can't cry anymore, or laugh again too...

Even I don't feel hungry, sick, sleepy, and many again. Must I do the same thing ?


Many person can't realize, or maybe don't want to realize...

Sigh~ Looks like life is a simple game, that just can't be saved or ended by yourself..Life is as easy as your mind thinking about... Even in fact, it was not as simple as they think...

I have no idea actually for writing things again. I still have many tasks to do.. Still have to learn... for my test, print out my paper, edit my essay, and do so many things in my list of school works. But just like days before, it just the same...

I dunno, actually I'm happy to hear things like that... But I still can't believe in myself.. Really..It turns into some feelings. But I'd promised not to regret... But it was not a regret... Sigh~ Maybe disappointed? For the ... I don't know again exactly how many times... Sigh~ My head is getting dizzy again, and again...

I don't take my dinner today. Yeah... Feels better when I can feel the real one. Not just a silly things to do, beside this. I just hate people that always done things that really different with what they had already said.. I hate people that can judge someone from one side. And I hate the person that can't appreciate...


Can't handle myself, my own life, my own future. Hard for me to tell. Hard for me to be honest, and also hard for me to facing the real. Morning that shows many scares.. Night that usually offers loneliness... Rain that always fall down hide sound of pain and hurts... That will never cure deep inside this. ...Will not realize... and can't realize... People that who will never changed, and will not hear too, this sound will not reach. As a little toy, I was really a toy.. nice things to spent in spare time...

I'd held this for a very long time. That I should not hold on right now. I'm still seventeen...Sometimes I just think, let me engaged with someone then I'll be married soon. So that I will not make my parent suffer further more. College, my daily utilities, and many things again. I was really live from that thorn, that sick, that pain...However I want to run from, in fact I live from that way, I'm growing up in this condition, and it such as a destiny that I can't refuse...


No one understand... no one ever see... I'm lost.. alone. That God may don't want to find me back. Really... If I was crying today... does the sound reach the roof of the heaven?

It was really a tiring day as usual... =)

Today, even though I feel very sad, but I feel really happy too. that I'd known thing that I want to know. And even it was hurting like what I'd just thought about...

In different kind of times, I just always be the spare... spare place when feel sad, spare place when have problems with their own, spare... Just a spare things, that will be used when needed..

I never regret as I'd said before.. I'm not regret myself for choosing this way. I'm facing a different life that he may not thought along his life time maybe.. I know that so many people underestimating someone's life... And I know how hard if someone has struggle and fail..Struggle for surviving in their own life, struggle ... for along this time, just alone... without no one looking at me...

I really can't accept for he was saying that I'm weak... Really that you have never imagined what kind of life that I'd stepped on, and I can survive, even just continue my breath until today... Sometimes I feels that I want ... fly between just like the rain in the outside. Just like they are vanishing... and there were no one realize...

I'm happy to know the truth, I'm not being hurt because of being the spare one, but I'm hurt for being underestimated for someone that never know me... Really, I'm happy that today I can know the real truth, I'm happy... And I will not regret anything... Thanks... I love you, friends. Love you very much...

Sigh~ I'm getting dizzy again... Alone again in the rain... Just like my daily routine, passing days my days, months by months, January will be over soon.

Looks like I was really thinking too much about my school, my future, and also my life story. Something like that maybe. It was not a tragedy event or anything else, but simple stories that maybe one of you ever done..

Again, after my part time work, I feel my head getting heavy and after I arrived at home, I just laying on my bed and let myself take control of my feelings. Until now, my head still heavy, a little. I must have been happy after heard a good news today that I wishes for. But exactly, I just wanna cry because that means I will meet him more often...

Sigh~

Headache again, not just because a simple thing like that. I'm thinking about how can I survive in this world? I'm thinking about how people laugh everyday? Hiding their problem behind and making this world fake... Everyday I meet people that looks so happy, feel no pressure, looks like they can enjoy their life without any matter. I'm not saying that I'm jealous, really not at all. I'm not saying that I don't like my life stories, or maybe I want a beautiful life just like I saw in others, but I may just feel bored... Bored of what? Bored of the sick in my head, bored of being refused, bore of being alone... but what? I know there's many person around me... But I really don't know too, why can't I tell them about this? Maybe I'm treated not to be honest with others... about what happened with me...

Simple things that never be granted. Each time I feel more confidence to wish somethings, at the same times, I feel that it was a ridiculous thing to be wished.. I never wish for something impossible, just a simple things. Or maybe that I can't see how the God's way works?? Eventhough.. I must facing this way of refine... I don't wanna ask any favor, really...

But I'm tired of my life, even people say that there are many things I'd not seen, but I think it was really enough, really enough. I don't wanna see any sadness, I don't wanna feel any hurt again. Why? Why .. for again, and for the I don't know how many times..

When I saw the same face again, the same face that throw a nice and sweet smile... I feel very sad.. I don't know. Smile that usually calms me down, smile that usually make me happy, and smile that usually encourage me... I don't know why that smile turns into a big thorn that snap into my deepest heart... And I can't lie to myself that I was really sad, to know again the real truth about this, to get out from the dream world that I'd made for my own happiness. The truth is a truth, and it will not be changed, no matter, how hard I've tried. Because, it will not be changed because of me...

Just let me go~ get out from the fake world, walk alone in the rain. Rain that hides any tears, rain that hide any scars, rain that cure any hurts, rain that had already gone left me in the silent... rain that had already told me how to release... Things that I must know... and I must accept, no matter how hurts it will be... If I am not stopping myself right now, in the future, I will suffer more than today.. Just trust yourself girl, that face will never turns on you anymore... Trust me... No matter... how hard you'd wishes, you'd tried, it will not turn on you, even for a sympathy, it will be show you the same smile... without any words... the same smile that will make you cry along the night...

Trust me, that you must not wished further more.. There's anybody else waiting for you in the darkness that you never seen... Even I can't but I must... It means, I really care, better than I'm trying for my own wishes... Don't we usually call it by true love?

I dunno, actually after this good news I feel very glas.. But actually, deep inside my heart I feel really sad.

A little story about today...

I'm very tired after doing so many test for today, and my head was full with so many things... T_T then Geography was switched with Economy... T_________T This makes me sad too.. And I have no idea why...Then I was told to write on the board about this things, etc.. --" I must not forget to bring copy of my SKHUN, STTB, etc. Then I after that, when I want to talks somethings with my friends, and my teacher, really my teacher can make me suffer more headache, ==" Really, I dunno how can be he said things like that.... Enough I think...

Preparing Valentine sometimes I think there's something missing this year. I dunno what. But I'd known what is the things that exactly I want to know.. Never be mine... And will not be. I don't want to tell anyone about this. And also there's no one will know... how I spent times at night, how I hold this things alone til now. I feel just like there's nothing I will get from all of things that I'd done. I realize that I can't, for any reason, reall yI can't.. Just daydreaming around til now... And I know that I'll suffer the same pain right now. But feels of the pain never changed, still hurts so deep... I think someday I want to cry.

If I'd realized but why I never changed? Why I never do something?... Looks like it's hard for me to forget. It's hard to me for know the truth. T_________T this days really like killing me... I'm not special. Just an ordinary, just like others... And I know maybe they have invisible bond that will never separate them into two again.I don't know how can I feel about this...But looks like, I just feel like that, and lately. It's true... In my sight, looks like it is a truth that I already tried to run from.

I feel really many disaster..When I and my friends were discussing planning of many things for Valentine days. Making some sweet chocolates, and we're planning to making some strawberry cakes... Yeah.. They were not as sweet as love that I feel along this time... Yeah... I don't know too.. How can I face this again... Looks like I don't have to do further more. There's no use.. And I just wanna forget this. But why feels so bitter? So hurt? T__________T I don't know again. Things are getting worse right now. And I have no idea again o facing my future. Looks like it has been yanked, all... without anything left..Then there's me...

T____________T I really have no idea to continue my life. I dunno. Everythings looks strange, blurred, and I may not shocked.. I still have no exact words to describe this... Really. But deep inside, more than when I was broken up with him... I had never suffer like this again. Again at the same time...

We walk in different world, just meet in a same time, by an accident... So that, it's the time for say goodbye maybe... Even I'd said for many times that I must release this, I never release, I never feel free in my own heart... There's no one can dive into... Just me, and myself that dive deeper, deeper, and deeper more... Feel sick.... I'm alone ...

In the morning, hear about silly things from the headmaster.. ==" gah, I feel that I wanna throw some cans to his head...

English Try Out, getting score 92, pretty nice, at least, my mother will not scream at me so much again~...

But still many tasks to do. My Indonesian Synopsis, my essay about the river, my design for the badge, and many again.. XO~

Many things that I must do... I must have eaten my meal, but I have no idea, what should I eat??

Things are really ruins. I must finish one point of my essay today, then after that I'm going to finish one or two kind design of my badge, hopes that it will be success, I still have to find some references again before doing things like that~

Tasks, tasks, ow yeah I still have to finished draft of my school building too. I think it must be finished at Friday.. ==a oh my, many tasks. Still have to finished my civil homework, tomorrow test of economy, accounting, and religion..~ Sigh, many things to do. Count down to months of freedom. That means these days will be double busy than last year. I'm really in spirit of working, my only place to run, just to be busy, with an exception NO ONE WILL DISTURB ME ALONG MY WORKS! I hope sometimes I want lo locked myself in a room that no one will knock or come in, until I finished my work.

Really, at the first time, I'm glad to see your face again today, but a simple sentences that came out from your mouth changed my mood all day today... Why? I think just like you'd refuse directly.

TT_____________TT I believe that you must have known about this, then how can you say that in front of me? Based on sympathy, I don't think that it is a good way for building a relationship with someone. It was a simple sentences.. But I don't know why, I feel very sad... And holding this tears again.. I really don't know why. Just like a refusal of something in my life.

My stomach getting sick again... Sigh~ There's no desire doing anything again right now. Eat, play, learn. Just a simple sentences that ruined my day today... Actually, I tried to change myself, but it was really hard to do, as I still meet him everyday. It is not easy, just like I'd imagined before.. but, the things that I still do is, I still keep a little space in my heart for my feelings to him until now.

Based on a theory, that 99% I think that he just playing around, busy with daily routinity, and, I still can't accept if this is just a game. Even I'd known about the risk, I known about all of that, I still decide to move on to the next step, deeper and deeper, and itwill hurt me more too in the future. Simple smile, simple sight that always catching around... Til now I still can't take any difference about when will you be serious or not... I know that you don't need someone like me to accompany even as friends. Compared to her, I was really nothing. In theory, I know that I should not compare myself to anyone, because each person have their own plus minus... But ... Why can't I found my own plus? I just see so many plus without minus inside her. The one that you'd chosen. So still you act just like I'm deserve for that changes?

I can't changed myself to be like her. I also can't become another person. But it's me. And I know you will never accept me just like the ordinary me. And when you were offering me to another guy, I just think that I will not mind about it. Offering just like I'm a things. Even I know he will accept me better than you. But, feelings is about feelings that we can't force or we manipulate so it will be done. Such a simple things that I know that you must have understood about it. Such you have already told me many things that you'd experienced, but for simple things like this. Even I'd been like this. I still an ordinary girl,ain't I?

Better feelings like this whenever I can't see you forever more, and you will go in your path and I in my path, and whenever God has set the time, we will meet again and walk again together. Just like we had already done in this three years... Thanks..

I dunno how this word exactly fit to my feelings today. But right now, I imagine that my head just like a volcano that will errupt for a few seconds~

Sigh~

Again and again... hope this was my PMS..

I can't think clearly about anything, about my task, my exam, and many again. Looks like I can't handle myself...

An today, I think again about that. Today is that person's birthday. And I can't say even a word to congratulate, even I dunno about him now...

When I think again about others, that I'd just been a little nice toy for along time~

Then, I still can't believe myself about that..

It is raining outside..

Looks like I still has not found my problem yet...I can't sleep.. When I woke up in the morning, feel so dizzy, sad, and think about that again~...

Rain, storm, and many again... I wish I can see outside, deep, black, and so sad...

Cold, and there's alone...

I don't feel weird at all, even without new clothes, celebration, and many again...

I just feel there's something lost, and I'd found it..

I feel really... something. ~ I can't describe it clearly at all, and I was very confused how to describe this feel. In a side, I really hope and wanna struggle with all I can do right now but in the other side, it was like catching the air.. Useless... but I still have no any exact reason to explain what should I do right now...

Days by days just like nothing happened again, and there's no differences. Life just like same..

Today, I dunno why, but I feel weird and sad. Eventhough I saw the same smile of him... but really, there's something different ... and I don't know why. I feel just like I have no enough time anymore..

Then I feel dejavu in Art class.. Because of what?? When I was standing on the volley court and standing in front of junior high building...then making the skethc, I feel the same just like in my dreams. But also feel very sad, because of today... It feels so empty inside. Really..

I can't describe how ... but really, it was very suffer a lot. I just wanna feel my happiness. Yesterday, and many days ago... Spent with angry, sadness, tears, isn't that enough?

Wanna feel strong, and also I wanna be more than before... But, I feel that it will be weaken me a lot.. really..

Yeah, I'm really confused about myself.. really.

Today I was reading the newspaper, and found an interesting article about knitting. Then I'd decided for myself that I will learn how to knit later. The type that I like the best is using 2 stick and called by knitting rather than crochet needles.But eventhough I know it was very difficult, but after the final exam, I want to try for that.. XD~ loves knitting even I know that I will take a long time to learn it.. but never mind!!! Luph~.. even just for simple knitting one..

And I want to write an essay for the newspaper..Big competition really.. but I really want to try new things. Then I think I will discuss this with my teacher.XD~ Spirit.. full spirit and I have some things to be written on the prologue of the essay. But I still thinking about the main content of my essay..

But I'm having many idea to do when I was facing my try out TOMORROW. Waaawww..But I don't know why, I like those things ver much.. == just like there's love in each knot.. Really.. XD~ But, I admit it. =_______________= Someday I will.. I WILL... XD~

Luph thaaaaaaaat... hahhahahah~ My new project...

Today, I woke up and feel very painful.. == actually, my feet was really weird. After 30 minutest jogging test, looks like the effect was appearing..

Then I went to my Chinese course as usual. Guest what. I got my HSK certificate and grade A.. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy I'm sooo happy.. =) My teacher also changing, because my usual teacher is sick and in recovery..My new teacher is a Chinese writer and translator too. == Master of Chinese, I should say maybe?? He speaks very fluently.. and his article has been already post in many magazines, newspaper, etc. From now on, I want to take this Chinese lesson seriously... XD~ But I was very full of spirit for learning Chinese.

Then I went to work.. there's new assitant. A nice girl too. ~ But still I'm the one that still in senior high school --a. but never mind. I got a gift too fro my friend there, she'd came back from Japan. =) nice gift, luph it. Then I went to my friend's house and play at internet cafe.. -- after playing around 2 hour and 30 minutes.. the connection was down.. == then I stop, then went together back to his home.. After that, just like usual, find something for dinner... =.= hahhahahha nice dinner... XD actually, I'm totally full, really.. but I like the ice cream really....

=3 then I went home safety, few seconds before rain fall heavily... == fiuuh a safe trip... huh??

But actually, even my feet were very painful.. but..seems I got MANY SURPRISE TODAY!! YAAAY

Simple, for many time rain fell and makes me feel dizzy a little. Class became very cold just like a big refrigerator and we are inside..><

Sigh~ Today... --" My friends really really silly.. don't make sense with things like that.. really.Screaming a lot.. (parahnya lagi, bisa teriak2 via balkon.. == gilak bener2 dikirain sebelah2 ga ada orang apa... gilaaa bener2!!!! Sejak kapan jga gw pingsan terus dibopong, swt!) But.. really, sometimes, it looks weird, I feel just very very miss many things about it.

Looks like it was very cold in here too, but I was really upset seing things like that. T______T uncheerfully.. and many again..A dynamic feels that changed every seconds. Oops, I think I'd to printed my presentation paper, my friend's also..Preparing for tomorrow lessons..

Sometimes, I think desperate. They had been already together for a long time,I realie there's no way I should do. ==a haha actually, it is not good if I do something than can make others suffer..Yeah, sometimes I thought that I still have a chances, but sometimes I don't feel it too.. Actually, I must admit that, maybe they are the one that must together.. ^^ So that I have no reason...Heading their future life, then better I go with my own life, even in a different way. But hard to forget if I still meet him everyday.. == just like, I prefer spent my time to others.Friends, hobbies, and other again...

It is about around 4 months I think. This month I will pass many test, exams, try out, and many again, but really... I will be busy around... XO.. Presentation, school exams.. but maybe it is a good way so that I will never have a spare time to think about that... ^^ Hope I'll find a new one in the future... =.= aaah... feel so hungry a little..

But really, sometimes I miss the rain..Feel, even it was so cold.. Waiting for the warmth come soon.. maybe... Still luph you so much til today.. X), but for both of our goodness, just let face our own life by ourself. You're on your way and I'm on mine... Just like the other days, wish you lived happily ever after, even you will never know, and never realize... ^^I think both of you were fit each other, and can support each other. I'll try to gain my own happiness too..

Sometimes feel so Weak, and also so strong!!!! ^^ Luph this day... Yaaaay...

Looks like my condition has not been recovered... But never mind. I just feel don't wanna eat anything at all.. But .. I must eat..

Really, Today I wake up in the afternoon, I am not going to my part time job, my chinese lesson too. But I was very glad that I can proof that I still hang on my study result. Even sum of the score is decrease but I'll fix in the next semester..

Really... I am preparing for my task in next week, many things to do huh..?

When I saw photos on my friends profile, I realize just a moment we'd been together.. In study tour, OSN , and many more.. X) such a beautiful feelings that very hard to forget...

^^

Very nice and I dunno if we can passed things like that again or not.

I will never regret fr those kind of memories.. Sigh~

This last 4 months, really unpredictable... ^^

I think something, maybe good and maybe not, will happen during the graduation.. Right?

Then... I still think about what should I do in the future..New world is waiting for me. To the real world.. I remember when I still in elementary and wanna move to junior high, I thought the same think as now. And also when from junior to senior high. But I feel less in this year about that.

Really, looks like I'd been stressed a lot until my body condition drop very much. And I had a fever yesterday. Really. I can't eat, can't sleep... but deep inside my heart, feel more painful than outside...Dizzy, cold, but very hot inside my body, the temperature reach until 38,5 C.

Swallow making me suffer more pain. After eat some medicine, it was getting better. But in the morning, I feel my stomach is a little bit sick. And remember that today I'll have marathon, looks like I can't go to school. So that I was totally rest until now. But, my heart was getting hurt again.. Really..

I still can't believe how can be? For such a long time, I'd never been like this again since two years ago. Why? I am so weak, so pathetic, even I'd suffer until like this, he will never realize, and I also never hope that he will realize because of this.. But should I suffer until like this? Even it will not change anything. Even he will not ask about me again. Since Monday, I'd realize.. but I don't know why. I just know that the probability has been 0 ... So that.. for what again? I will never want to remember again, never want to make any memories, never want to believe. And I know I should give up, just like three years ago.

Even there's someone love me so, then why can't I ? Sacrifice a lot until like this, even won't change anything, but still take a lot things in my mind. I don't know. And I know, today will no more longer again. Thinking about that making me sad. But I don't want anyone cure this. Let me keep this alone. Even sick, but it is still a precious thing I can keep until I can't forget, 4 months again...

I don't know why.. But hope then I'll regained my health again.I am not wishing again, if he asked, or he care again about me. For me it's already finish. Fake smiles, fake attention... really. I don't want again.

School has begun..And After received shocked news about the next try out will be held for two weeks again, many tasks in the beginning especially the Civil.. TT____________TT how cruel, presentation, paper, and also must learn one chapter for next week meeting.

Today... yeah just like yesterday. When I can't or maybe I didn't want to see his face in front of me. And then just passed away without talking other words. Today, for again, talking together doesn't make me feel better, make me happy just like before... I feel deep painful that he just reply 'the one's word..Then said the same thing, said I don't know just to playing around, teasing, or maybe just talk without think... But really, I'm sad.. really sad..I know for sure, he loves another more.. more. Maybe I won't be even just a little.

... I'd promised myself then. The probability has changed to 0.. then it's time for me to stop. I just don't wanna cry again, sick again..Whatever he said, I never want to believe again.. never... it was painful..Really.. I know.. But really, it's hard. Maybe after graduation I should forget about my wishes, it's just only simply talk that just go out from his mouth for few seconds then disappear by time..

Everyday.. I smile whenever my friends were joking at me, and when we laughed together, I really feel wanna cry making that fake smile everyday..

When I want to eat, I feel no hungry at all, so that I became like this right now...

When I want to forget, I feel sick even I know that he will never accept me whatever the reason, because if I was compared with his girl, maybe I'm nothing at all...

Years that they had been together, and I'd just arrived. Should I said nonsense?

Eventhough in today's worship.. I heard that the evangelist said there's nothing impossible for God, God will overwhelm everything that make you worry, scared,etc.. I am not saying that I didn't believe, but what should I say if it is not His plan? Should He grant my wishes? Of course NO!!

And thinking about this, everyday, passed by..I really feel more sick at all..

I don't know exactly. But really, I was passing the new year just like I was celebrating by myself.

When it was 12:00 AM, I just looking around my house, and there's nobody there. Just sounds of fireworks that explode in the night sky. No one were going out. I and my little brother were playing fireworks, just both of us. Really. Feel so pathetic. Is that really, world has changed so much in a year? Really PATHETIC.

Last year,I still remember, many variety show during the countdown, people were gathering together with neighbor,and also together passing the new year... Sounds of trumpet, fireworks, people were yelling... Spirit of New Year, to become more better in the New Year, New Wishes, and many again...

I'm passing this year with loneliness, just like passing a usual day that moves everyday. Not only on 1st January, or any events day... Yeah. Doesn't it seem like usual day? And three days again, school will start again. Busy... again.

Feel no meaning. For honest, in each new year, I feel different, feel ready for something new in front.. but not just like now. I almost forget if tomorrow is New Year.. And passed it just like the other days. Again and again... Just like lately, I sleep very late, and feel empty. I don't know what will happen. There's many things again when school starts, many things.. I hope I'd strong enough facing that.