My Holy Platform

I don't know for how many times I must grumble about this or about that...

Luckily me card project has improved even just a little... I'd finish the draft of (FINALLY, even it is still looks weird) the wavy ocean, the santa (just the cap and the bunny), then the coconut tree, birds, sun, and the land (I'd to find some texture of sand for the photoshop)... I think I'll add clouds and also a big mountain, and if I can make gradation of the sky, then I'll finish until this part today... And luckily the deadline was on 7th January and not at 4th just like I'd thought before... And I think I still can enjoy a little time of my holiday before I go back to school and become very busy for preparing the National Exam.

Eventhough looks simple... but really hard to do. I was very too confidence at the beginning that it will be easy but not at all. Creativity, imagination, skill of drawing... these kind of things were very essential for my future job, I'm not lying, really.. I must train again how to draw what I'd imagined in my mind. Because for sure, mostly I can imagine a good things in my mind but I can't turn it on the paper. That is a really BIG PROBLEM for me... --" Makes me worry for few days ago..

I think my job later will be like this... Making texture for the ocean (it's not hard at all, but making line of color was very difficult I think), making texture of the sand (this is a new think for me, because making texture for the vetor art is totally different with the real picture one), maybe coloring will not take many times, because if I must do the coloring with photoshop, then there's no problem, at least not too much.But if Illustrator, I must wait for my friend teach me before the holidays end..I think one day is quite enough at least for learning the basic and also things I need for my card... I was really expect for the best from my friend's help.XD~ But surely, better than yesterday, today I feel more confidence at all!!!!

Now I want to continue making my card, after finish I can play again... ^^ Yaaaay... feel so nice when I'd a good plan and also a nice way to finish something that I really love to, I mean, about art.. XD~ I'll be very disappointed if I know that I'm not doing my best for my artwork!LET'S DO THIS..

Always... and always, in the beginning I was very full of energy for doing this project, but lately, after facing many things, and tough things, hmph, ...

STUCK...

At all, I can't control myself, and... --" just like today and yesterday.

Feel sad, feel empty... T_________T just like I can't doing anything good.. feel just like very embarassed with my own skill... T____________T sometimes I feel something like that, maybe often..

I don't know why I can be very confidence on myself and also can be not confidence at all with my ability for many things. I just want to try my best but really.. I really don't know why I can fall in the middle of the most important process... I really disappointed with myself, really...

STUCK.. No idea and also no idea about what should I do?? Then, -________- I am STUCK, thinking about something that's not important, and also ... take a lot of energy just for that, feel angry to myself, disappointed, and many again...

T____________T beside that, I am stuck in the other side too...

Eventhough he said yes, I don't think that he would love me so. I just know about someone who likes playing around, and I have a little time get into his game.. But, just like I'd said, it will pass away.. just like others, become sweet memories... ^^ that I will never regret..

I know that he is not the one, so that I think, I should start now... Before the time come, and gone with all of this, left me alone behind... Just like few years ago.. an also many years ago.. Passing without doing anything. But there's nothing I can do again..Even I can, it will not affect anything. So, just let it flow. Even just the same smile, same things, that never changed. It's enough, quite enough amount of happiness that I'd ever felt in my last year...

Starting from found a cute kind of picture made from Illustrator when I was finding Illustrator Tutorials, and I feel someone said, THAT'S IT!!! Uwooo, love it very much really, now I'm learning for that... >< Making many kinds of vector art and also for my Christmas card project...

Huff... Today I feel quite moody dunno why... -______________- but looks like something blame out without control.

But I'm very happy that I'd had already enough idea for my card just making the draft and finish!!!

This is, once again will be the first XD~ I'm very confidence with this, I can finish on time...

Check this www.milkbun.net

Really, love that kind of vector art, cute sweetish, milk, and many again...

XD~ No more time, I must finish the draft!!

Sometimes when we do our daily routine everyday, we feel nothing, just do the same thing. Study, work, and maybe many more. Then we feel something we often said bored..

In fact, we have many things or nothing to do. Sometimes, no matter how many things we have to finish, if we are in our best condition and mood, I think that we will finish without any tough problem. It is different when you do just one thing without good condition, really, seems so hard or maybe I should say... LAZY..

Just like I'd said before, today I feel more spirit to do my list. More powerful.. more more and more!!! Why?? Yeah I don't know the exact.. but people have their own time to feel in the best and also in the worst condition..

Today I saw again, that many people were sick of all their routines, and have no idea to get out from that.. Really I don't have any good way to say how. But this is a really things that make me feel, I'm still lucky that I still spent my time for sit and browse and create some design...

Or maybe I can say I still have so many things to refresh myself, to feel free... I feel lucky really..

Sometimes we always forget to be thankful for things we can enjoy today..

Still in the morning...

Aaaaah really.. feel just like wanna sleep well but I can't.

I was in dinner with my friend, and planning for my tomorrow plan. Spent my day just like before in loneliness. But you know, one week again, school will begin. So fast.. don't you think the same?

I still have to finish my Christmas card...and also for my other project,scan my picture. And many more..

Sigh~

Many things to do but looks like no inspiration to do. Every time I want to do, it must be stopped by something that I can't understand why. Ah, looks like tomorrow I'll begin finish it one by one..
1.Install MOF in my computer
2.Take screenshots and then cut it down, write my profile then send it.
3.Also take screenshots as many as possible for card making, fan art, and many again.
4.Looking for Adobe Illustrator for making new character for the card.

Wish I'll finish all of that on time.

Still in the deepest part of my heart I still thinking about many things, so that until now I can't sleep well. I can't close my eyes. Day passed very quickly..And it makes me scared, worried, and many again. I must serious a little I think, but.. I can't... Many days passed just like before, with nothing. I was really scared for that!! Lonely, alone, quiet, and there's no result. But I am very worry about that. And I can do nothing for that... Everyday, feel the same.. I was really scared facing tomorrow...

Just like I have no power to do what I want to do.Just like when I was in a dark and narrow place...Seems like a deep phobia inside myself that I can't cure it.. But really, I feel that my days was fulled by things like that. Scared... very scared of many things, and when I fall down, I'll fall into the deepest valley of my heart, trapped inside just like along time ago.

My last Christmas in my last year on senior high...

Many memories.. and there's nothing changed so much inside...

When I was in the chapel this night...I felt empty really.. Just like hear but don't understand... Want to know but can't. I wish to know what happened with me lately?

Yesterday was a really nice and interesting day to spent.. Still play together with friends. I wonder if one day we can not do the same again. Who knows? But, now I learn to say thanks for everything I could feel.. I could face.. ~___________~ just like many experience that can be happened in someone's life. But it's fun really even though it will not be always sweet. It is an important thing to remember too. Don't we feel bored when our life just flow in a same way? Wish I still have time for enjoy that time together again.. ^^

Christmas just like I hear from year to year. About Jesus Christ again, many kind of stories, many beautiful meaning behind, and also important thing that we, human being, should know. That we will be released from sin, by His sacrifice...But when I remember I always do the same thing every year, I just want to ask... Can I be forgiven?

Sometimes, sad with my own condition. Even looks very happy, very calm, but not really inside... Holiday just like a trap for me, every day, passed with loneliness... Better I go to school, or any where, that I could forget all about things...

Sometimes, when feel lonely, ad nobody hear to me... I also think... who's there? Standing beside me... embrace me tightly..Even when you said to me calmly, and I still on my opinion. Never realize, never know, and never want to know... It's YOU.. standing there, looking on my wet face.

Sometimes, when I was mad..why You are so cruel? Why You do this to me? Why You let this happen to me? But I never get the answer. And time passed away. Few months later, I got the answer, and I realize it was a perfect plan You'd built for me... Even until now, I still don't know. Why I must suffer like this until now??

Sometimes, when I was smile happily... I forget about You, never asked about Why you give me happiness even I don't deserve for it? I just think I deserve for that because I'd suffer for a long time... I never asked, and also seldom say ,"Thanks." After tired of my happiness, I just go to sleep and facing tomorrow sadness, then asked 'Why' again...

And one day, when You'd found me, I always run away, hide myself, go far away... Fall again, hurt, and refuse when You give Your hands for me... I am the one who refuse, who was being stubborn...In the chapel, I still remember that the priest said... No matter how long you'd lost, you'd gone, He always waiting for you... He wait you to go home... Go to your home, with your real FAMILY...

Father, if tonight I want to say... Can I go home? Will you still receive me after this? After I'd gone so long.. For many times... Will You forgive me?

Again and again, in the morning and nice stomachache.. ~___________~

There's no even ingredient to cook breakfast.. I won't eat instant noodle for 3 three days, will I?

Really... Aaaaaaah... HOLIDAY there's nothing worth I can do.

Sometimes I feel, pathetic.. you know...

Sigh~

Now, just think of this...

How can again I dream about someone...

Sigh~ After writing for so much pages on my diary, I feel no more sick at all. But I don't know why too, why I can't sleep? Inside feels so worry...

I remind about many things that we have done. But it always be a memory, that can be lost of course. But really I can't decide my next step for now. Looks like this holiday seems so short. Just around two weeks again, and voila... back to our business at school. No more easy, no more play... Even I hate about that, but it is a right time to show the last perform that he would remember.

Sometimes... I smile...and everybody said that looks better. When I was crying... I was also scared for their refusal...

How can again?

....Long time ago, I ran to anywhere that I can forget about pain for a while. But now, there's no place to run anymore. There's no way to run...

Simple but looks so close... When I realize, everyday it reduce my time.... And when I know, I must prepare myself, but I am really not sure if I'd already ... strong enough facing that.

For hones I really like cakes, smooth cakes just like sponge type, so light with whip cream, with some fresh fruits toppings. Or sometimes the elegance of chocolate melted in me... Huaaaaah... want some cakes...

Lately, I was browsing for many recipes of cakes. Many types of cakes that interested me much. Such as cheese cake, chocolate cake, and also STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!!! >.< aaaaaa very nice...

Wanna eat some cakes...Had learned a lot about cream, and technique of baking, mixing, and other, just like improving our skill. And also learned about the ingredients. Someday I want to make a cake again by myself. Yeah, one day!

I wish I will never have a brother as sucks as him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I don't remember about his disease and others, I was sure that I'd given a big shot to him.

Really. How can he act like a jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh! Really I really want to kill him!!!!

Will God hear again my words just like when I was a little girl?

Will I be forgiven after saying things like this?

Will I be punished after regret about my condition?

Will I be tried again after this?

Will I realize after this?

Or will I be strong after passing this?

Longer time, I just feel like a person that do my routine. Go to school and learn. Taught to be a person without soul. Just like a robot. But also like a human being.

I don't know why, but actually, I was really sure that I can handle my emotional, but I don't know why ... so this afternoon happened things like that...

Til now, I lost my voice because of screaming so hard about thing I'd held for long times. I really don't have any idea about what I supposed to do. But how can I forget about this? Even she said not to remember, I'm not a robot that can be programmed to or not to save about something. And even she said to me that we must survive...She also have no idea when I asked about the answer about my question. She just said,"Then if you want to die, just DIE." Really if I have another choice, better I go to the place that there will be no one look for me.

Can I forget about this home? About how disappointed me in my young? How I must handle things that I should not supposed to in my age now...How I hold every wishes between my other friends... How many I must sacrifice my happiness for this family? But each time I go home, I feel just like home is not a place for me to really go home. Each time they said we as a family, I don't think that we are one as a family, just most likely individuals walk on their own way. And when I hold my family's name behind my name, I feel just like an adding for making my name written longer.

How can I said things to my parents? When I said about my problems, they just said "Just a little bit like that, you'd already give up. When I was young..." and so on. Should you compare me to yourself? Or maybe just like you never take attention on me? Just said that you love me, you care about me, but see. When I talk about my college, you seems happy if I don't continue until college, and stay at home, until find my soulmate, married and become a good housewife. The other just seems encouraging me so that I can be strong. But hellow, please? Do you live through like this? When you're young. When you need the real figure of parents. Even I know you said in you young, you also facing the same ... But under pressure like this. Better I'll never come home.

As a child, I seem like the ne who had not experienced anything yet, had not known anything yet, and also don't know right or not. Pressured very much. A person that had already take away my young, take away my happiness, and runied all my life!!!! I swear I will kill that person someday...

As child, I tried to do all things that can make my parents happy. Learn properly, not press them so much to grant my wishes, but is that a reason for them to take easy on me? Suffer inside is really worse more than outside... I know sometimes they said they are trying to carea about me, but in other side, they just care about their own bussiness. About this, about that. And as child, am I wrong? If I want to said that I really felt n one really care about me as a parents. Sometimes I just think care is about routine that they must do? Am I wrong IF I SAID ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE THIS? I really don't supposed to write like this, but every time, when my life getting longer, I just feel like more hurt, more suffer. Even anything I'd done.

Come home and then eat, sleep, go again. Simple things...

But I hated, really, I want to scream, but can I see this family ruined?

But when I suffer, I feel joshed around. Feel nothing. Feel so asshamed.

How can I trust on again?

Smile just like when I still a little girl, laugh... share anything with them. I prefer to be my own than trusting others...

My brothers, both of them are same. Never take care about others, just care about their bussiness, about their own problems, and I think we are not like brotherhood.. Just like stranger live in the same house. Really, I felt bitter in my own house, the basic place of life ...

Simple for them, but not for me...

..... I am not wish for scratching my wrist... or end my life.

I just wishes, passing these days, when will it disappear? See the same view, see the same again and again, feel the same. Then how can I forget just like my mother said? OF COURSE I CAN NOT FORGET ABOUT THIS!!!!!!

Now... there's no one hear me just like before... No one... When I prayed in the middle of night, feel so lonely.. alone.

Actually, I must laugh just like this morning I laughed and smile happily...But now, that feeling turn into pain and sick again... Even when I'd already known, it just a daydreaming, however it feels so sweet in real... but I must stop lying myself about wishes. In one side I feel happy, and I tried not to lie my feeling about that... But when I remember that just about a game, and I was the one who trapped inside the game... I feel hurt again.

For many things we have talked about today, laugh together, smile together. Remember about the voice, and so on... I don't know why, these tears coming...

I know the fact about his behavior,daily routine to act like that... but

Whenever I think is that a present that in the last year, I could spent my time beautifully like this? Could I called it by a Christmas present? I feel weird at all...

Even I'd believe for few hours, for each words that told a big lie. I just never want to regret, about today. That I really enjoyed the time. Even though just a lie, and just to cheer me up.. I will never regret for that... For everything even just fake, just for this time. Even it scratch heavily..I'd already told you, just like roses, they are beautiful to keep, even though their torn can hurt you anytime whenever you hold them tightly...

I just want to enjoy the last time, even without saying any words just like three years ago. I know that it is the best for anyone. With silence, and let me keep that alone, even there's no one will realize. I just want to keep this alone,without anyone... I will never wish to grant that wishes anymore. I'm already satisfied with this... Only with this small pieces of memories, hope will be gone by the wind...

Sound that never ends..

I just feeling again the same rhythm is calling me, just like three years ago...But I've decided, not to tell anyone again about this... Why? Because when a person know, I feel the pain just like became more painful than before... Even when he asked for, I really can't accept this...

God... why? Why this always happen to me?In a same time... In a short time, but a deep scratch...

So that how can I smile behind that?

Okay2...

Today really tough day. Why??

After I know that I lost my flash disk, and I must remake all of my PSD tasks, really really sucks. And also before that I suffer again from my stomachache, really, if I must suffer like that every morning, looks like I prefer to stay in my dream world forever...

T____________T and also about the gossip, gossip, and gossip again.

I wana ask you a favor.. Isn't strange if I walk with my friend?? Eventhough just two of us. --" I don't like to discuss that further more, but looks like people like to take their own opinion on me. They must know that everyone is not same...--a sigh, sometimes really bored if I must explain anything I do based on my opinion. Even others have their own GENERAL OPINION, do I wrong if I have DIFFERENT OPINION??That doesn't make sense!

I wonder why people always judging person from their outside whenever they don't know inside.. Based on the wise word for hear not to be done...Sick of it.

Today really I want cut and if I can I want to chop meat of a person named ANDRE SETIAWAN... Really sick of him!! --a sometimes no, but in anytime I like to kidding with others, but NOT IN A WAY LIKE THIS!!!!! How can be?!! --a eventhough I know he has a different world class but really, he need to respect and appreciate other more. I never think about someday he will fall because of that.--a Sometimes, people that had already felt that thye are superior, more than other, got one thing that will blow themselves. Yeah, for honest I hate people who proud too much on themselves.

I really don't care eventhough he had already given my blog address to... --a really, I don't want to mention his name... Yeah2, the most hottest guy in my school (actually for the gossip)... Adiel Gunawan... (--" really just a name...If you think more, trust me you'll crash your own image of him in your head, I am not lying you)... Really I don't know why they (The two of A inisial, both of them sick) were so interested of talking about my blog!!!! --" Really I feel just like no freedom at all again for my place in here. But after that I really don't mind.It's all up to you guys. --a I just want to share stories about life in my blog, then I must feel asshamed?

Sometimes I tired of this, but when I went home today, I found again an empty school building to see. I will leave it for around 4 months again. I missed it, I missed all of beautiful moment we ever spent together... Really...

Just like yesterday I was cycling around, and feel smell of the wind around during the dusk. Sometimes I want to go to a hill that I can see a beautiful view, and also beautiful feelings... Just like when I am scratching my brush on my canvas...Beautiful feelings to draw, to share, and also to feel in our life. Unforgettable moment we ever feel...

Sigh~ Even I sick with this condition... today I still wanna say... I still have the same feeling for you even you never realize what is the meaning of me in your life...

Sometimes we have to struggle until the last one, but when the percentage getting weak all the time, should I keep on that?

Right now I'm thinking of changing my mind about him. Forget all memories about him, looks like will not do much...

Around an hour ago, I realize that I might lost his memories about me, he might forget me, forever, until I pass the graduation day. But, I will not I will always remember this feeling, that I ever had, that I ever struggle for, and I ever kept for myself. A memories that will not be forgotten.

And I was thinking about what should I do in these two days...

I remember again about sweet memories we ever passed together... Eventhough he will never remember, I will always remember. Eventhough he will not stand beside me, and walk together anymore, for me, this one years is an enough time for us to create so many beautiful memories. I am glad to see him again tomorrow, and I am glad with each second I ever spent wth him, even we will be separated, I know that mmemories about him will never be lost, because I will always kept it in my heart, as a treasure.

This feelings sounds very strong but also so calm, beautiful feeling that keep me warm when I cry alone in the rain. Sounds that I always remember when he called my name with a smile... even I will lost my future days with him... I think I have already had enough with the past...

Thanks God You have given me so many chances and oppurtunity to spent my times with someone I love more than before... Even I know he will not be longer beside me, but I'm glad that You ever gave a chance to walk together, even for a short time compare the other that he already chose. I am glad and pray for their happiness always... I believe that You gave me these beautiful moment to keep.

First..

Today, I woke up in the morning in unhealthy condition, I thought it was my bad mood in the morning effect so that I didn't take attention on it, and drink a bottle of very COOL milk and then went to school.

Suddenly, when I arrived at school and put my bag, started to open my math books for review, I feel weird around my stomach. At the first time, I don't care, but looks like it's getting worse. So that I stop learn and sit at the in front table of teacher office... After that, I feel I had a little fever... Then after the bell rang, and I came into, I feel worse than before. So that I took a permission to go out and got some medicine. Then I ask for medicine to Ms. Sandra, and I sit again at the in front table.. Suffer a lot then I put my head on the table, I started sweating and felt dizzy. Ms Sandra came out with a tablet, for gaster problem, and went in to take warm water for me. After I chew the medicine, it tastes HORIBBLE and very BITTER than I ever eat.So that drink some water just make it feel more bitter that before... After that ... ~_~ that squid came out from the office and saw me from there... He walk to my way... and start to talk about this and that and many again. Sigh~ if I didn't remember this medicine was so bitter and the pain is on climacs, I won't stay silent, really...And...yeah, hurt.

After that I continue the test until done, and I regain all of my health back after the test. Then I went with my friends to celebrate this freedom!!!!!And we arrived for around 12.30 PM... and go to eat pizza, really, we do silly things in public place, start with playing drum in game center with six person that means all of us!!! And jokes in bookstore, really good moment, and after that I continue to my part time job, and here I a, in front of here... ~_~ wew. Very tiring but fun, still continue for tomorrow.. aaaaa XD~

Sounds tiring but FUN at all, this is the last moment we can spent together before we graduate... so just enjoy them..

Eventhough I know, the reason of today I suffer this morning. Because of that...Sigh~

Time passed, whether you like or not.

...

Today's afternoon, I supposed to be happy when he saw me for many times and we talked along, spent so much time together today. I see the same person, the same smile, the same kindness,the same style of him... all about him..

Time changed so fast. I remember when the first time we met, until one year passed, we still do not know each other well, rather I hate him very much.... One year is a short time for us to know each other better in many events since I've been in social class and I have so many spare time to do my hobby...And so much time we have create together... laughing together, with all of happiness and sadness... One year is a short time to make so many sweet memories before I graduate,and also short time before I leave.

Last week... in the same day as today. I saw again. Different sight of him. That I know that it would not be come true.Today I feel so confused, and deeply pain in my heart, when he talked to me just like before, when he smile, when he said many things about past. Something that I can't stop, it keep make me remember something I want to forget.I feel that each of memory that he create today, just like a disease for me later. Collected, slowly.. but very sure.

When I remember this lately, about my backbone problems, about my family, about other I must handle by myself. Some of them told me not to take attention on it, but how can be I do that?How can I forget and act just like there's nothing happen to me...? Each time I smile, I feel sick inside. When I laugh with others, I feel empty for the after.Each time I spent loneliness in night, I cried by myself... quietly so that there's no one realize. Feeling when I smile, laugh together.. just like they want I look okay.

I don't know exactly how many time left for me.Disease that caused hurt inside and outside my body..Sometimes I feel just like want to end this.. but I can't..I wish someday could forget, or maybe avoid all of this. But, will I be happy by that? Looks like never ending was coming to face me.Why? I really want to leave alone in an unreal world rather than like this. Somehow, I may smile even just a little... not just like now, smile, laugh, just like a corpse without a soul... it makes me hurt a lot. Even when I realize about all of that.. about this feelings, about the disease, and all about them. There's no one release me from them... I missed the day I ever spent with smile together with them, just like in the past. Is that too much? Is that a difficult one to reach?

Feel sick, and these tears come down again.

Aah..

Just that word I think that fit with my condition right now.Really not in mood for doing anything, even today computer is mine,my black USB is missing so that I can't copy download link for my photoshop argghhhh.... and also I can't instal MOF to my computer,DAMN! Even I have been copy the patcher from my driend. Really sucks... Hate this day!

T.T

hate all of them!!!!

T___________T There some kind of things that I've thought for few days lately... and also many wish and goals to be done in the next year... Yeahh... Some of them is
1. Buy a notebook... really wish that no one will disturb my property, mine mine mine and mine!!
2. College life
3. Looking for a new one
4. Release this alone...

Aaaah there's many reason I should tell to.. Looks like I want to going to internet cafe, and spent some hours there... sigh~

This kinda make me crazy...

Sumpah, udah berapa kali gw ketiduran pas lagi belajar,dan berapa kali gw panik2 dan ngarang2 indah buat jawab soal essay terutama Sejarah yang, yaudahlah udah gw pasrahkan saja..

Sisanya sih tinggal beberapa aja yang ga gitu susah, aaah gw berdoa UAS cepetan kelar deh. HELL bener2!!! Gw pengen cepet pergi jalan2... zzz banget daaaaaaa....

Capek... Selasa >> B.Ind, Sosio... lumayanlah, ga gtu repot...

--" sumpah gw lagi dikaruniai kehokian tingkat tinggi di waktu UAS... Sigh~ Semangat!!!