I'm asking myself for thousands.. and I never know the answer, or maybe I never want to know, why? For what reason? Simply, it's because I am the one who DO NOT want to see them...

Talking about that... whenever things around were so crowded, seems fun, seems never being alone..seems happy.. but actually, there's something inside.. I hide from all of you..Banyak.. banyak banget .. hal-hal yang dikatakan orang...Kesannya, gw selalu senang, bisa ini itu dengan gampang, bisa begini begitu tanpa repot... Such the most silly thing I ever heard, "Enak ya jadi Gabby~"... sometimes, I just thinking, are you sure? Beneran enak jadi gw??

Eventho, everyday I laugh together with friends, talking about many kinds of funny stories, have fun for all day, making other feels comfort, and enjoy everything without remember again about pain or sadness... whenever I go home, stepping again on the same floor that I don't wanna step on, my rooms seems so quiet,my bed is silent as usual, waiting for me to lay on it.. My little diary, that waiting for my new story, again... even sometimes with smile, laugh, and go to the dreamworld with full of wishes... Whenever I go back to my own home, I feel empty inside, it's quiet there... alone... tears come down... Even whenever I met other, I give them smile, fun stories, about what did I do for along day.... ^_____________^ seems that I never remember again about a week ago, a month ago... incident that I will never forget whenever it happens...Even from the outside, I never be alone, always being suported from many persons, but in fact, I'm the one just have a person to get back... whenever I'm sad... whenever I'm crying... kinda funny huh? But's it is the truth... Eventho sometimes, that person never realize... Lately, many bad feelings appeared and make me feel uncomfort, but as usual, if that person never know... so there's nothing can be done... Meskipun selama ini dia lah yang bisa melenyapkan semua prasangka buruk yang muncul, semua perasaan ga enak di hati gw...mungkin sebenarnya gw lah yang nggak punya tempat untuk hang on... ^______^

Rasanya kalo ke sekolah.. (hahahahaha udah ga akan ada lagi mungkin..), kalo ga karena gw sakit, ato break down.. pasti gw RAME di sekolah... =____= pindah ke pojok anak2 cowo bikin rusuh disono... bully2 dulu anak2nya... terus ngomong ngalor ngidul ga jelas, mulai dari RO lah, game macem apa ada, or kekonyolan masing2 oknum.. gw diisengin lah (hell semuanya...udah tau weak point begitu tuh jadinya!), ditarik kanan kiri bak rebutan karet gelang @______@ (boys, gela lo pada emang!), diceritain macem2 yang aneh2 mulai dari yang make sense sampe yang kaga sama sekale, bercerita then imajinasi dengan awalan.. IF, alias seandainya si A gini2... swt diakhiri dengan ngakak bersama, or pinjem catetan dsb... baru rusuh tahap awal... Kalo ke pojok belakang tempat di mana gw disiksa 2 orang algojo yang kalo lg kumat bisa abis2an gw dikerjain, yah tas gw diumpetin la, apa la, leher gw dijadiin ajang uji coba, bikin diagram2 perkawinan model sosiologi.. ~______________~ bisa bikin gw teriak2 sampe kedengeran sekelas... pokoknya gw tiap hari ke sekolah, ketawa ketawa selaen BELAJAR... ~_________~ sampe sore n pulang lagi ke rumah...tidur, sampe malem.. forget it all and besok pagi skul lagi.. Intinya.. jarang banget ada kesempatan kaya sekarang gw bisa diem merenung, [waktu sendiri emang racun buat gw apalagi di rumah]... mikir yang nggak2... otak jadi makin ga beres... dan gw nyadar.. eventho tiap hari gw beramai-ramai ria kaya gitu... but actually, when I got home, locked myself inside my room, under the dark blanket... there's no one... really no one.. even in my heart.. ga ada seorang pun...

Friends... yang nyaris rata2 mskipun udah deked... gw sendiri masih suka enggan share, karena pada dasarnya gw juga ga bisa cerita2 ginian ke orang2... even ke diary gw aja ga bisa jujur bangett... still there's something I hide it inside... Paling banter gw cerita ke beberapa orang yang secara basic udah tau gw yang kalo lg down kaya apaan, n itu pun jarang gw cerita... paling kalo mereka ngeh, tanya kenapa.. asal gw jawab "Gapapa.." terus ketawa2 lagi kek biasa... biasanya ga curiga2 amat lagi gw kenapa...

And for sure, gw gatau kenapa akir2 ini rasanya jadi makin parah... Semuanya, gw pendem lagi, deep down inside... yang kanan kiri.. eventho at home, situation is getting better, gw ngerasa hati gw yang udah kaku... ngeliatnya seakan2 cuman komentar "OH!".. lagian toh besok or kapan waktu berubah, gw ga akan kaget, sehari hepi, sehari explode, sehari hepi, sehari down... mending sekalian aja... gw sendiri surprised kenapa gw bisa nanggepin kaya gitu? Cuman mungkin... ==" gw sendiri gatau kenapa rasanya gitu...

Sometimes, gw mikir... sebenernya... siapa yang sendiri? So, whenever the one who always cover me whenever the bad feelings appear... has gone... I was lost in the crossroad, can't see anything... can't hear anything... feel wanna disappear at the same time..