I ever said about this once... whenever I was down.. Around a year ago, he must have asked me why? Then, I just passed without saying such things...Or just smile then say ,"Nothing.."

I'm doing such a lie again, making fake faces seems everything was fine and nothing's gonna happened to me...Just like I'll never think like this in my mind...I wanna try some scratch on my hand, see if I could feel the pain of scratch... looking at the blood that come out.. and think again by myself, if today God wants me back... will I never regret, of never doing anything?

I wished today I can gain back my mood.. but it's all empty... useless..Still in the same kinda of smile, laugh... Tadinya gw mikir pengen sms si Ian, bilang .."Midnight yuk~".. ahahahahaha cuman ga jadi.. entah kenapa.. ga cuman masalah pulsa doank.. juga ga mikirin masalah ga bakalan dikasih nya.. ==" just feeling... maybe not now... hahahaha yang ada ntar anak orang gw bikin repot... Sigh~ I wish if I have another choice to forget this.. terserah dengan cara apapun juga... Even today, my mothers said many kind of stuffs to support me, make me cheers up... I still feel empty, nothing... and once again... giving any fake faces to them.. Kosong... seakan2 di kepala gw ga ada apa2.. I was deep down in the dark calley, can't hear anything, can't see anything... or maybe, I am the one who never wanna give another chances... ^__________^ ntah, mungkin emang seharusnya hari ini gw pergi midnight pulang besok pagi...

Bukannya cari gara2... tapi... hahahaha, mungkin some kinda..~ trying something news, or because I don't wanna go home early... entah kenapa, rumah ini bener2 membuat gw semakin lama enggan untuk pulang... Yah.. for lately, some days ... I can't sleep.. Entah posisinya ga enak lah, panas lah, selimutnya lah, bantalnya lah.. padahal biasanya gw sebentaran juga udah go to the dream world... and it's kinda strange banget... ^_______^ harusnya ... gw ga ngomong gini, but in fact, maybe it was too late to recover, to cure this all.. udah trlambat untuk memperbaiki segala yang pernah terluka, karena yang terluka itu mungkin nggak akan kembali lagi seperti semula...

Looking again back my chatlog~... fortunately, looks like dia udah biasa ngeliat gw break down kaya gini terus minta yang aneh2.. ~.. Hahahaha, for some people, mikir, gw udah kehilangan akal sehat ya? Pulang pagi kok malahan mau..entah, bukannya gw kurang kerjaan, pengen bikin orang merhatiin gw juga... sometimes... just like my big brother usually done.. I know how he feels...tau gw kenapa dia sering pulang pagi dulu... gini gitu, ga gara2 pergaulan.. mostly, inside pressure... I'm not saying that my parents had failed, but, likely, that's I never have another choice... Even people usually says, there's always choices for us to choose... but, whenever there's only a way there, it's kinda a way we have to go on, rather than I prefer to walk there... Hahahahaha, seems funny, I think I'll get a big punishment if this kind of stuff is being read by them... but I'd known the worst one ... I even afraid if I never have any feels, sad, angry or another more. Such I know that many peson try to gimme personal support... but I am not listening on them, not because never appreciate, but ... It's differen when you're the one who are facing, and the one who just watching from the audience seat.. It's kinda a big different... this is not a pressure that will disappear whenever you wake up in the morning, or disappear after a long night drunk of alcohol, not even reduce a little because you never come home for years...

I remember many thing my parents teach me when I was a little girl, how to be a good person, how to be polite, but whenever people grown up, and taking their own ways, it's not because their parents, but mostly.. on a wrong way they'd chosen... just like what kind of things I'm facing on right now... I'm still thinking on, about what should I do... I can't hold on for any longer... even whenever people around act so good... I feel, it's no use... I'm looking with a really hard .. heart... I don't know how will condition getting better by this? Of course I realize that I will make a new problem by this... but once again, who cares? Just like yesterday, and many other days in the past.. even if I never write this in my blog, and writing something seems fine.. there's no one will ever know or realize.. human's heart sometimes kinda scary right??