Okay... jadwalnya seharusnya hari ini jalan sama Ian, but ga jadi... ~____~ at all sebenernya ga gitu masalah, cuman gw emang pengen going out aja sih, padahal besok ada KWN yang numpuk... ~________~ my feelings need to be refresh ...Cuman yaudahlah, ngendep lagi aja gw sampe UAS kelar...

Oke, clear... after ngoceh macem2 hal sama Ian... still in the same place...Ian bilang, kayanya dia jarang banget liat gw hepi.. rare.. ==a (awas aja neh anakk...).. I must try to be like this... Kadar kebahagiaan itu diibaratin...
Lt. 1 : Down
Lt. 2 : Neutral
Lt. 3 : Happy

Whenever I wanna go to third from the first floor, I need to pass the second one. He means, eventho I can't get into the third one, at least, I can reach for the second one... Something that, I didn't say that it was wrong. But, sadness is everlasting than happiness...Yap..sometimes, I need to be egoistic a little, he said... But... I really still in a big trauma for doing things like that.... again, really. I am too scared to hurt another again... Because I know the pain for being hurt.

Afterall lagi ngomongin about "HIM", I kinda confused.. Ian ngasih saran yang sama, kaya Tine, =____________= I mean, I need to be honest, eventho it will be really hurting at the same time... I don't need the answer, since I know he has other one to accompany him..but.. I just imagine once again, still I need making a new trouble by saying the truth just for my bussiness? Really, it is not me... Gw bener-bener ga bisa ngeliat gw sendiri ngerusak kebahagiaan orang yang gw sayang, cuman buat satu kata2 yang bisa break semuanya.... really... selain gw need some brave untuk ngomong... gw sendiri ga pengen dia ngerasa gimanapun sama gw... just like I'ce said.. Because he smile, then let me the one who cry... Kalau dia bisa tertawa, dan dengan kehadiran gw bisa membuat dia tetep gitu, eventho as friend... gapapa... biar gw aja yang menggantikan perasaan ga enaknya dia itu kalo gw ngomong...

Sigh~ Looks strange, or maybe stupid... =____________= people will never know if they never feel... Sigh~...I need a little more time too, before talking again about this, beside I have to confirm about my own feels, I must know too, what the use for if I try to be honest... I mean, yeah, he may never need about it... == Dia udah punya orang yang bisa menemani dia, yang sayang sama dia, dan juga dia sayang kok... kesannya kalo gw masuk dan even cuman ngomong aja... rasanya gw jahat banget merusak sesuatu yang berharga, karena gw sendiri tau, he really hold for this... Dia bener-bener pengen ngejaganya... =____= masa iya gw tega....Gw nggak sejahat itu kalii...Praying the best thing for him. Gw takutnya malah, after gw ngomong, malah gw yang ngedown, karena ngerasa gimana banget. Okelah katakan dia appreciate, dia menghargai kejujuran gw... dengan catatan gw ga mungkin lah ngarepin dia putusin cewenya, in other way, gw merasa... =_____= he's too kind to understand me...

Waiting is the best??? Entah juga.. gw ga tau apa dia bakalan sadar, secara gw orang yang sangat ga be HONEST, dan sangat ga peka juga... kalo dia nganggep gw sebagai apa?Memang sih gw ga berharap kok dia bakal ngeh dengan sendirinya or lebih prefer ke gw.. (harapan yang terlalu muluk2, gw PESIMISTIS), tapi looks like now isn't the right time for doing this... Timingnya mungkin kurang pas yah... ^_________^ ibarat kata lagi bahagia2nya...Sometimes, there's something has to be paid for sacrifice... Pengorbanan ya? Bukannya merasa bangga, tapi mungkin udah jadi HABIT... I prefer to doing things like that...I know that, in his position, it was tough to hold for a relationship, but it was not easy too, if I was saying this right now...I might have seen it... He will never stand for a long time with me, he needs the other one...Who maybe more fit for him... People that fit and we love, maybe not the same person. Someone we love may not fit us, and someone fit us may not love us.. That's life... looking for the fit and love too~

Someone is waiting for me... and I am waiting for someone too.. =___= seems strange. I looks like never give another a chance. But I'd promised myself to find the really fit and also the one I could love for.... Seems tough too... Tapi, based on past experience, I might not get into in a relationship, if I still not sure with my own feels...=_____= waktu gw bilang gini, si dudud Ian malah bilang, gapapa jujur aja eventho lo ga yakin... gyaaaaaaaa ~______________~ kesannya gimana gituuuu... masa gw aja ga yakin udah gw sampein ke orangnya, lucu gak sih? Kesannya gw menyampaikan sesuatu yang ga pasti ==a, kek kasi informasi ga bener ajah...


The funny part is this, but really, I am not seriously imagine if this really happens..Whenever I am holding this feeling, and he do the same... So we'll never know each other, til one of us say the truth.. really just kidding... little wish in my heart... just a fantasy... ^_______________^


My mother about minutes ago said that I should be grateful because sometimes she saw me looks pathetic and no spirit.. (mom, you're the one!!!! Gila banget, ga gw bilang dia tauuu).. I should not find something to run for my reality...I said that.. it's true, but really, I miss someone too... as a girl, eventho still in a young age... need someone to share, not in family or friends...

I just can't imagine for once again, I will left him behind again, and will never see him again... Maybe after that.. @_____________________________@ WHAT SHOULD I DOOOO?