My Holy Platform

Even when we had already known about a truth, but when someone tell it in front of you, I beat that it cause more pain of honesty.

And that was an incident today....

Feel like I was facing the worse day in this month. TOTALLY REFUSAL... Again, my heart getting sick, and I can't stand again even for thinking or facing him again tomorrow. It's not about how strong I can stand for... but it stands for how do I feel, when I know that, it is ruined all... probability might not be 0, if it can be minus....

I don't know how can be ... again... it was so sick...I must ran again into the other world, world that I can release a little of this pain, world that just know me.

Yeah, I think it was a beautiful day... after finish my task and my test nicely, but... I'm here again with this kind of thinking.

Yeah... I'm not pointing anyone right now, it just I was the one who think too close, even I'd been try to forget it..~____________________~ kinda hurt not because I want to forget, but actually because I was... not beaten actually..maybe ... just as an audience.

Every time when I feel that I has been strong enough for facing the truth, but I am not. Then I just don't know again what should I do next? Sigh~

Run again into my world that are so fake, unreal, and light... Feelings that I should not hide from myself.Hate myself that can't be strong, hate myself that I always lie... I try to cover myself, I try to do anything that possible, but all of things are fail...And also not because desperate of facts, but I just want to forget, really... just forget him and let me alone!Why will it be a hard thing such this?

It was really a disaster Tuesday, Realize that I had not taken bath, and ==" look in a mess, really..

Doing my Civil essay, then I must continue again, after around 5 hours ... ==" struggling maybe..?? --" really sucks.. must continue again... Sigh~ Really, March is gonna like HELL ....

Actually (gak mungkin banget ini gw bilang morning udah siang menjelang sore...), it was a good feeling when I wake up (really!!! for the first time in this year) at 06 : 23 AM in the morning. Feel it was a great feeling to start the day. But it was not...

Til now I had not finished any exercise yet...Still thinking... of many things really...

Still have no idea to begin anything now... I'd like to exercise first so that for the prize (I feel so childish doing things like this), my Pizza bread and a cup of hot tea... =) yummy, after taking a bath then eat it while I'm learning Math.. XD~ I must take some schedule, maybe tomorrow at school, my brain looks like works better in school rather than at home. Usually, not sometimes.

Huahhmmm... still thinking of many things. Realize that I hadn't finished my essay at all.. ==" Not mood in making it... I'd thought that I can spent today with making cake, try some new recipes again.. Not just silent, alone, then full of thinking what should I do in my mind...

Now, I'm helping my friends, still in last grade of junior high to do her try out exercise... Better than I back in my bussiness, tomorrow's Math test is really sucks to do!!! ==" Civil essay too.. TT______________TT I'll start at three, really. I even hadn't taken bath since morning...

Time passed by so quickly. I think I'll printed the picture at night, after I finished maybe half of my essay, my Mat and my exercise.. Do it later.. (again and again! Really Gab, when will you changed this habbit?)

Really wow day!

Why? In the morning, I ate my favorite bread!!! Pizza bread, it's made my mood getting better after woke up in the morning, and can't eat anything... luv today's breakfast... Pizza breaaaadddd... XD~

After that, in my part time job, there's sale of comics, then I'll got some of comics that I want to buy long time agoooo..Feel very happy that I can get Milk Crown with full version with special prices too... XD~ feel that it is my lucky day today... Yaay, I also take some other comics with me..=) Cooking comics and many more again.

After get home, I had been faced to my lunch, really... == (godaan iman banget nggak seeee)Because, I planned to exercise myself, but I prefer my lunch, in fact.. TT________TT, and the weather outside was extremely hot lately, including today, so that I prefer lay on my bed with air conditioner, really hot~... I think that I'll do my exercise for around 30 minutes again. Hehehhe, delaying again.

I'd like to manage my schedule for my preparation of National Exam, Mid Semester Test, practical Test, and many more. Of course my task ofdoing Civil's Task, for 25 number of question to be answered in essay. My Gosh! Just kinda ruined all my day of course...

I feel a little confused of things I should scheduled .. Better I made some scratch in a paper, == and also making list of important things~ many again, many things are in my head!!! == The thing that I need more preparation is only (OF COURSE) P.E. Test! PRACTICAL TEST, so that I realize I had no alent at all in sports, event just simple sports as running.. ==" Begin manage my time pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee... XO, PANIC TIME will begin immediately, soon after tomorrow Monday... huaaaaaaaaaaaaa...Even there's no time for thinking about that problem. That will be the good news I think.

I remember about this parable, in a film, Passing the Giant...~ yeah something really go through my heart.

After today, I got busy with the squid~ stapling the paper, and sort some kind of things, then talk so much silly things such as.. (really, better I don't mention it..) how about farewell trip? And many more ==" make my head getting sick of silly question he asked for...

Now I'm telling about this parable...
There are 2 farmers in a village. Both of them are praying so that God will fall a big rain for their farm.. Because it is so dry there until they can't plant anything. The first farmer prepare his farm so that when rain comes, it was ready to be watered. But the other ones just let his farm and waiting for the rain... If you are the God, which one will get the rain??

Sometimes people asked something that they are not well prepared yet, but they are keeping pray and believe. It is not wrong. But if we still don't have enough capacity to gain that thing, how can God give it to us?? God will give at His time, when we'd prepared for things He'd prepared for us... Don't it will be a mess if God give it when we are not well prepared??

I'm thinking of this things, and find out that it was totally true. I am not prepared enough for His surprise, for things that I always want to, I always asked too... If I'd prepared enough, God will not hold it any longer, because He believe that I will not make him disappointed... Do I wrong?? So that know I must prepare myself. Prepare for the best, and also the worst, why? I'd promised myself to release... and also had decided that I will facing days just like days before, even feels so hurt, even I think about many things, even it was nonsense, even there's nothing I can changed, even I can't be compared, but... I still have the same feelings just like the other on his side has...

That's why... I must get prepared. If I'm not, it means I need more time again to wait.

I think that I'd succeed, just like I'm a little girl that very happy with a little candy.

But now I realize, I can't limit feelings like this. I can't make a line for things like this.. I still have the same things even with different act and theory....

Sometimes, I thought that I should change memory into statue in my heart, but sometimes, I feel that it will be melt because of the statue just like an ice... It can't stand forever...

Sigh~ again in my pain and disappointed...

I feel proud when I beat my own feelings today and yesterday...
I feel calm when I can say to myself that I'd forgotten about him
I feel that I just try to lie on myself, eventhough hurts and it was nonsense to do...

But still never give up done things like that... ahahah silly..

I dunno, but really inside, I feel very desperate so that I slept for over 10 hours, and I even didn't open my books for today's test.But luckily, I'd passed my test nicely...

Then for today, I'm starting for my mission, keeping distance, even feel so hard, but I must, right now...

For I don't know how many seconds that I'm holding sick inside, making me feel so hard even for breathing. Even just for that reason, and when I woke up in the morning, feels that I'd already lost my feel, til I can't feel anything around.

Sometimes, maybe seems so hard, but.. =) I will not move if I never try. So I think this is the best chance that I can use for. The best time I should start. With a new step, a new thought, a new of everything that I will not fill my head with memories in the past, but with new idea of creating my new day everyday, with something more useful, more cheerful, and more better than yesterday.

Sigh~

Sometimes, when I lifted up my face, I just whisper some word to myself, that I will passing this for few months, and it will be finish, not only fr short term, but forever, that I will never back into him again...I just want to release this bind, again... even it was hurt... I know that I have to...

So, I'm saying goodbye again.

Today, I enjoyed very much about painting my brothers task... >< even I'd not been in training for years, but, looks like there's improving from the last time I painted..

Tomorrow's test that I should pay attention is Math, even looks easier, but actually, it was not...

Not about heart feelings, but really hurts when someone you trust stick on you deep. There's also many apologize for those who want to, but there's a pain that left, there's hurt that can't be cured, there also a regret that appear... Even when I never hope many, people turn on me just like I hoping much on something, even for a simple things that I can't get from others around.

When I cried all along again, when I feel frustrated, there's no one go into. When people feel bored on my words, when people ask me as a compliment, when people forget about me, when people never realize about me... when people judging me by themselves, just like what they want, just like they want to... such a thing, or maybe as a pet?

That's why I never want to open, never let it out or others come into. So it will be at the same position just like the last time I saw it, still the same, even covered by dust... That I will blow them all into the other world, but keep it safe... without anyone there... I prefer to be alone, but why when I share, the make me disappointed by act like that?

Today, I bought a big strawberry cake to school. Happy XD~ It was delicious, the first tart that I made with whipping cream... ><

I dunno why, but it was very weird... Yeah, as I know that I usually happy with things he done, but not today. Each words, each things, that made me sad, feel empty and sick, fall down deeper more. Deeper more, and I don't know why, I came into this thing again... Feel weird, regret, disappointed and painful..

Even I was very happy when I can finish my cake.. You know that I was dreaming for making a big strawberry cake for myself, and I'd made it, but just like you see... Things are ruined now... Not ruined at all, but maybe inside my heart, totally ruined...^^ Just like I had done none for today. Even when I'd tried my best. Even tomorrow is valentine day... The day to share love with others, friends, parent, or maybe someone you love..

Then go back to this condition, I am going to a reunion, from my elementary school.

Someday, I just want to be honest.. But sometimes, I must facing a fact that I can't stand for things like this... I must change my way, my directions, but it was hard when I'd already comfort with the way I'd walked for til now... And if I will fall in front, I will regret even just a little that I ever take this way with me...

Weird things. Even seems like he want to appreciate my works, but that eyes seems regret or maybe very ... yeah just like yesterday, he was saying thanks very weird, said things that he never said before... Just like yesterday and not like the day before...

Things that I must face from now... because, it will be suffer more then.

Today ... finally I'd finished my strawberry cake, and ready to serve...

XD~ Doki doki...

Well, actually I know that today I feel no more hope, but I feel ready to face tomorrow, no matter how hard it is..

I feel that it was a feeling that everyone feel free to have. I feel that it was important that I must keep and protect, even I know one day it will be broken, because I'd hold a chained heart...Yeah... sometimes people don't realize about something that really important for them before it was gone and they will not be able to find the same thing again...

Yeah, ^^ never mind... Yah I'm sure, some day...

Sometimes I did a wrong thing, sometimes I feel disappointed. But always try the best I can... and after that I will not regret that I never do anything before give up, or regret for sacrifice many things...

Further more... This year, I passes this valentine alone... ^^.. just with you friends... without someone that I love very much, yeah..

There must be someone else, far away that think about me just like I think about him right now... ~_______________~ again... hahhahaha