My Holy Platform

Sigh ~ I can't believe IT!!

Yesterday, I think I'll collapsed coz of exhausted... Really.. Yesterday felt so short time to spent til I went home at 11:30 PM at night.. Waaawww.. But really I spent fun time with friends, chat together, watching dancing fountain, watching at the theatre and many more. Really it was FUN...

Because of that I think I can't continue my Fan Art, BUT today I'm starting from 8 AM, sat in front of my computer, and start working of course, giving shadows, and fixing some part and many again. I'm hopeless when everything is looks very bad, I mean too simple expecially BACKGROUND, I have no more idea beside of putting pattern on it!!But, accidentally when I decoreated it with some bubbles, I made itu into radial blurr, and whoaaaa really spinning and beautiful blue wind!!! Waawww nice accident!!! After put some star and add some bottles and wand, I think I'm finish then I sent it. Hope I'm not late for it.. Sigh~ I'm doing my best for it and I was really SATISFIED with the result.. Looks like there's no more tired left after working for many hours even without eat or drink or maybe rest for a little, nonstop!!! But I love that job, so that I didn't feel bored at all..

Now just waiting for the result, I think I've done my best, hopes for the best result too even if I don't win the competition, I've satisfied of myself... At least,I'm trying to made this Fan Art all with my OWN HAND.. ~_~ My First Master Piece!!! Yeaaah...Aaaaaa really, I'm very happy now... Totally...

Really... I think this gonna kill me.. Anytime...

I never wishes for something hard. Eventhough them... But, yeah, why me? I wish for my wishes come true, and they too. When I don't get that dreams come true, they also get the same thing, and it was because of me.. Sigh~Tragic huh?

Talking about it... just keep this pain killing me..

But, they can get more than just get me... Really, I think that I wasn't suitable for them, there's another way for them to gain their happiness without me. In the beginning, yes, it will be very nice, but I'm afraid for the next one..When they feel enough, they will leave, even I wishes for their happiness... I just a cheers that stand for someone else... I just kinda things that ever decorate them...

Guess what? I'll never be the same for them... Today's they need me, but tomorrow? I'm not doubting about their love for me, even for the reason because of my reaction, they do the opposite, then why? When you said you accept me, doesn't it means you have to understand about the other side that you can't accept? So that said 'I just accept your good side but not your bad side'.. That would fit better...

I don't mean to challenge each of them for that. It means nothing after all.. If they never realize what kind of FRIENDS they stand for. Even I was called headstrong enough, is that wrong if I stand for my own opinion? Why they mind if I choose to be different?? I never want to judge others that choose to be different, it's their own choice, why must I that take over about that? I just remind them if their choose is the BAD one... After that, it's still the same.. ~_~ They still on their own choice.

Sigh~ And also me. I'm in my own choice. Right now, must I accept and forget about him? As fast as that? Just like in the past, he ever done... It is not about taking revenge. It's about giving the other a chance, that may change everything.Maybe, with giving other some new chance.. I'll change another too.. But.. I'm afraid that they will disappointed after that. Maybe after a while.. I just make them sad.. And they would say ,"Better I never choose this"

Regret will always come late, but how I face these days? Time looks like killing me... Slow but sure... What kind of path? There's no one understand. I would care of, this secret that I never share with... Honestly, I don't want to repeat this again..

I wish of many great things I would receive with my hands. But... I am scared if I will broke someone's wish in my life... Even after he said NEVER MIND...

People can make any decision.. included me. Til now, I still can't forget about my past. It was too fast for me if I must walking with someone beside me.. as someone that I love to..

Sigh~ Time passed away quite fast. I really didn't realize year will change soon. hen I was a kid, I wish I can pass my birthday quickly from a year to next year, but now, really... I was really scare for each changed year.. I don't know, I just don't want to move so fast and being an adult. Sounds funny? I don't care.

Inside my hearts, I really scared to face to real fact. Fact that I will be alone, separated from others.. And also fact that I'll suffer a lot of pain again, especially in my graduation day.Right now, I really feel no free even a little just for share this story, this feel... No one can and no one will again. I was already knew, how my best friend for the last time betray me...And how painful when their words were no more longer I can believe ...

I'm looking with these empty eyes, hearing with these ears, and cry inside my heart.. Alone... There's no one could feel the same.. No one.. He won't know if I didn't tell.. Just HIM... Better run into HIM.. then cry loudly.. I believe ...HE will not be like THEM....

My dreams... still here, just waiting for time, when I'll let it go?

Right now at 11:25 PM...

My head getting dizzy, and this pain kinda killing me, really, it just like sticking from my right back to in front...Sigh~ This make me feel no comfort at all.. And the good thing is... I'm alone here, listening to the music.

Looks like if I have pair of wings I could fly then hide myself between the clouds...Really..

Night walks lately soon, but my feet still stand on the same land just like at noon. I'm still looking at that thing, still facing on mine, still looking in my deepest heart... I will forget the past, I will forget them... Sigh~ It keep getting hurt all the time... Really hurts myself...

I think how can I hurt another again with this fact? How can I face about people said around? How can I hold on this condition? How I must ....take care this?

There's people said that they love me but they can't accept all of me, all part of me.. there's also people said they love me, but they don't care about me, ..there's another said they love me, the accept me, and will be nice... wishes, wishes.. In fact people usually gives me good opinion, good sight,and also good wish about that... but when I didn't found it, I was totally hurt deeply, and when it HAPPEN... I'm ALONE...

Feel tragic? Not at all.. I don't want to be weak. But it doesn't mean that you can be weak..Really. Why? In the other side, I want to gain my own happiness, but in the other side, there's no one can understand what is the THING behind something that I've done? Something that people will never been realize... Even theirself...

Really if I could just cry... I would cry for why I must done this path? Why they must love a person just like me? I have no many goodness to love for, no good attitude, no sweet girls, no beautiful face, either beautiful heart...just like a littering thing... that God still take care of ... That just He is the One I could trust on....But why God create me to walk in this path? Why?? Why?? Do I holy enough for this kinda way? Or Do I sinful enough for this punishment? But I always think that God was always kind, and it was a pleasure for me if He want to allow me to walk in His path, if it is really His Path...

But for sure, really, I feel no strength anymore... I can't swallow anything just for eat... This pain, in my chest, getting worse... Sigh~ It's hurting me a lot...

The deadline is 30 September, I hope I still have enough time for coloring especially for the comic and fan art... after that I will focus on my next comic project and also with my short stories... Looks like task will never ended but really I love this kind of busy thing...

Next project... move on to next one, feel very proud if I can pass one by one successfully, ~_~ sigh at least learn about a new thing for each tasks.

Really.. I still cannot believe myself that last Tuesday I was called by Lyto Staff that I was the winner of the Poem Competition for Event Seal 2nd Birthday!!!!

Wew... MP3 even just a little thing, but ~_~ FREE.. just for that FREE... waaaawww.. ... Very happy!!!!!

Sigh~

This is my second winner after my first Quiz on MOF, really, now I'm preparing myself for making short stories for another competition... I don't know why but since elementary school, I really like compete others... But tomorrow is my last test day then I want to play MOF, searching for Libi [based the event]...

Aaaaaaaaaa there's so many thing I want to do after tomoorow's school day off!!! BIG HOLIDAAAAAYYY.... Really interesting, aaaah... But I still can't believe by myself!!! Aaaaa... But tomorow there's silly ECONOMYC TEST!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, sigh~ really, I feel happy, tired, and many more!!!! But really on Wednesday I even can't closed my eyes for a rest, pretty busy whenever the test was starting made me silly and also the paper of our study tour... Then I slept for 11 hours, I guess it was paying back the time I spent the day before.. And now here I am with my Economyc books... But I pretty happy that I'd already seen my poem on the website, play viwawa for a while, and tomorrow there's will be MOF ont there!! BRAVO! BRAVO!! GO! GO!GO!After this a painful week, there will be ANOTHER HOLIDAY AND ALSO PROEJCT.. My comics, my stories, my novel, my picture on canvas, here I come. I am ready to DO THAT!!! Yeah!! Let the SPIRIT MOVE ON!!

I was being sent to the graveyard by someone.. Maybe, I was wished to be died...

Really feels suck when I lost today because of cowardness...

--"

HATE IT...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...

Right Now is 1 :13 AM

Sigh, I still collecting the materials... After print them, I'll go studying then go to sleep.. Getting dizzy... FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!!! MOVE TO FINAL!!!!

WE MOVE ON TO SEMIFINAL!!!!!!!!!

Really we're so depressed because we just answer around 9 questions on theory from 25 questions...

~_~ Hahahhahahah really, and also we are on the fourth grade after SMUK 1... Really surprising us!!!!!

Hahahahha... But really... it's a tough, amazing and unforgettable moment...Really... Speechless, I should say like that... And today we got an oppurtunity to talk a little with Ms. Palo... our teacher's teacher... really fun, really she said that she still remember them...

Waaaaawww.... even it's tiring and now I'm totally out, but I know that we'd done a good job, and also for the next day... ~_~ SIGH!! KEEP GOING!! GOING! GOING!!

I have a little time for rest now... Aaaa...

Maybe strange, I had no made the first one, but never mind, because today is the second day we will BATTLE ON!!!!

I've prepare myself with studying carefuly about FIFO LIFO, because I want to finish the main test of today's Competition.... After that, I still read some theory and also studying again about DEPRESIATION...Sigh~ it come a lot of question about that and I am not learn very nice yesterday, so if today's it came out, I'll be ready to face it... Aaaaaah, JIA YOU JIA YOU!!!! Ganbatte minna-san!!!!

Now I silence myself, prepare for my mind... ~_~ Browsing, listening to the music, and Aaaaaahhh... ~_~ Come on... I will do this and move on to Saturday's SEMIFINAL.... God is in our STEP todayyyyy.... Sigh~

I dunno why but really I feel really energizing for today, I dunno why, but seems very powerful to face today's test..Sigh~_~ Ganbatte!!!! Fight for IPSUN...

Really, I want to move on until Saturday.... Yeah, there will be nice reunion there.... Hahahahah...

Today... the result of semifinal finalist will be announced... wish we are on the way of that.... BRAVO! Really, we're so down yesterday until we knew that we are on the grade 5 from 23 team... Really surprising us!

Woke Up with a dizzy...Feels pressed on in my chest heavily til I can breath, then now I'm right here in front of my computer, I don't know what should I write in here?

Really if not because tomorrows Accounting Competition, I won't hold til now... Sigh I dunno why I'm being like this. At least at 1 AM I must started even untill 5 AM... Sigh~ I must hold on this...

Must...

I don't want to disappoint others

Sigh~ Even I think this gonna be worse... Sigh~ betting now..

Really, getting more dizzy now... sigh~ I hate eating any tablets of medicine, I just feel there's something I've kept on that I never realize, it hurting me until my body... right now..

Gila rasanya sableng bgt msnan ama banyak orang...

~_~ pada banyak bener yang ngajak chat, dr yang ga penting sampe penting...zzzz dizzy a lot.

I tried a lot to hold these tears, even with read so many jokes, but I just smile, without any passion for laugh freely.....

Suicide, in a hotel, in a hospital. Really I don't know what kind idea I've got to draw, when I think about it then I've just draw it, then it's over... Just like the last one... N I'm thinking of new idea. I'm in mood drawing people with deep feel in a room... full background I mean, as an exercise too..

But I'm in mood for new story for new comic...Not in mood continue the one before, but I must, eaaaaaargghh... I want to make the debut if I can with this..

Sigh... really... can't perform better than this... Move to Account please...

Sigh~ I woke up in the morning with a dizzy, n a phone call... after chat for an hour, sigh I'm silent myself, and thinking through... Now, while I'm listening to Suteki da Ne, these tears began to fall down, picking the lost memory back into myself...

Depend on someone that hope for life, meet someone she loves.. that sacrifice his life for her life...That he already exchanged his soul for her... that's a main idea for my new comic. Beside that, I'm thinking of does it means about me? I mean, I'm making description of mine....How far this hand want to reach, and how deep this feel just want to see his face, that she would never see him anymore...

Even she regret about the exchange, even she regret she can't open her eyes to see him for the last time, even when she was trapped in a dark path... Even time passed away so far after the exchange, even she regret for the life... She never realize there's a price that must be paid for a life... She never realize in the life she regret for, it was the hope of him, that he'd already exchanged for with his soul...

I'm holding again these tears when the rain fall down heavily and ended quickly...Must I made anyne regret about that? Even in a different cases, I'm living with pain and regret about that, even there's someone that already exchanged his soul for mine... Eventhough I feel I'm not worth enough to be loved, I regret about the sacrifice... Why? Why must sacrifice for me??

Even now when I'm breathing from yours, I will never saw you anymore... I will never saw your face under the morning sunshine, I'll never hear you funny voice when you laugh my silly act, I will never find any pieces of yours... Life with a memory about you is suffer a lot... It hurts me every time... Even when you saw me from an invisible place that I will never reach...I will never saw you even you've reach me so near.... For these each tears I ever drop... it's will never be the same for the price of your souls...

Really, tough Saturday, and it was a surprise to be licked by kids, hiyaaakkk, I mean licked for the true MEANING...

But after that I have fun with friends and playing for around 2-3 hours with them... Spending time together and totally refreshed til now.

Now, I'm sketching for novel's draft, n then also want to study Account...~_~ well... I don't know what should I write right now.. I'm kinda lost of words whenever I'm happy.. feel no worry about. FORGET ABOUT HIM, ENJOY MY LAST YEAR!!

Abis makan bakso enak banget.... ~_~ aaaaahhh nyaman n nikmatnyaaa...

Sigh~ I don't know must happy or not but surely, I feel a little disappointed... Maybe totally disappointed. The percentage of it is already 0% right now. Feel sad? I don't know too... For sure I don't know... anything, at least for right now.

I can't believe how silly I can be!!!!!

Sigh~ Feelings must always be different than other, that's me.

Eventhough I really want someone for... but I think it's not the right time to think about that after losing someone that important, less than 1 month..Important... How can I lose that meaning of words? How can that feelings come through when I've had someone besides me...

Hard to believe that I must lost each of them in a distant time...Must I worry? Or must I sad?? I don't know anything, I feel no more feelings to feel... There's no pain, even when I am smiling, I really don't know how can I smile behind all of these... When I am smiling, I hide all of about this... I must hide all of about secret that I won't tell anyone... That I won't let anyone touch it, reach it, or know it... I have one side that I do't want any other know about that... Even if I've trusted more to them... I feel that this is just the only secret that just me and God that know about that... These pain, never lst, suffer in each beats.

Eventhough people think this is silly or simple, for me, it's not as simple as that... Really... If I've done something out of the line, that means I have my other reason for doing thing like that... And also in this time.I have another reason that people may never realize, eventhough I fail... Yeah, I've know from the very beginning that it won't work how hard.. I'm no the CHOSEN ONE...

I just about the helper in this life... Won't be chosen... Eventhough they want to choose me...

Sigh~

This feeling keep coming through. After read the full version of short story that I read when Indonesian language test last Monday…I'm keep thinking.. Is that really that girls will be always lose? Sigh I don't know why I can think like that... Beautiful girls, the perfect one, they have beautiful face, nice body, light skin, and man likes them eventhough they don’t have enough beautiful behavior just like their outer beauty... But why, that type were being liked by all of men, included him...I know for many years I always lose to them, yeah even for once, I leave someone for a reason that I don’t want to leave him but I have no other choice...

Beautiful girls, since a long time..I hate them. I hate being like them, just like feel nasty touching mud, or if must go to the village, that wash their faces until 5 times in a day, need so much time just to put blush on their cheeks, and many more like that. Daily, I just be like this, just the real me, I'm not in panic for one or maybe more acnes... Sigh~ Beautiful girls, I really don't like them since I was a kid. Really, for sure I never have a bad experience with them, but I just think that I don't like them...And IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THEY ARE...But now I' facing again one of them...

I don't know what the exact reason why she became so mad at me then even I never met her...It's strange for me...I never done something bad, at least I never doing something that can hurts her feelings but really I don't know why she was very angry at me? How can be she can fight me if one day she meets me... I'll not lose for a battle, but at least for a good reason so that I would hit without any regrets, and I don't find any of it.I think it would be fun if I can make a little bruise on her face, then she will be very very panic at least for one weeks until the bruise gone. Really I still don't know why. Even he already told me not to mind it today, but I'm still thinking about it..Why must be me? I always be the one that must be the WRONG one for any cases.. Beside of fact that I will never be the chosen one. So that what kind of pressure I must hold on my shoulder?? I was never been accepted, or maybe in some cases I refuse to be accepted...Beside of that, I still have to be around them. People like her. I don't know, but exactly, she's really the type I will never like for any reason... Beautiful, if just on the outside, so she must be FAKE... Remember, I hate FAKE... Talking about her, that means I also HATE HIM. Why? People who just see the outside, for a reason, because she is beautiful even she just QUITE enough kind... Then, sorry... I HATE people that just think as deep as that...

Sigh ~

Even I have known the real fact, but I think and I don't know why, I know I must forget about that. I'm not the chosen one, just like in other cases before. I'm not their type to be chosen. But why? Why must me? After today I hear a story about a title " Why must me, God ?". I really don't know why I still could not believe that I was the one that must face this... Even for many times I've already said to myself, you must be strong, you must face and pass this. Words were very easy to said when we've already passed the tough times. But most of us groan sadly and painfully when they are facing through that times, right?

I don't know why... but really.. I HATE beautiful girls...

I dunno how but I know it's all my fault.

Eventhough I've told all about it, there's something left inside here..It looks painful and right... I think it's all because me...I've made one mistake again..Ask why?? I still can't believe why...But inside of my heart... I feel something strange that I must release... This feelings... I can't hold it any longer..

I dunno how I trust this, but tomorrow will be new me... I will forget about yesterday and think about tomorrow... Even it's painful that I would never want to release these hope and wishes...If this simple one won't works, and I've seen God's answer for me.. There none of them that would accompany me as I wish... Now on... I've just accompanied by friends... My beloved to...

Simply, I regret something about today's fact, but actually, I must not regret for that... Eventhough it was really painfully... but there's nothing I can do...I'm facing tomorrow sunshine..

Now I must made the decision and tonight is the FINAL...

I'm still on my first decision, I'll not get going with him anymore...Sih~ At noon, simple accident happen... HE, the one that took my phone then write NICE SMS after that accidentally SEND it to HIM...

I thing I will not forget how we are being so panic.... And after while, I get BAD NEWS after called him... sigh, simply now... I HATE HIM..

Sigh now, really I don't know how to act in Monday. Really, I lost everything I have....

She's betting her life for the reason you said was cheap....

I'm thinking of it all the time...And I realize right now there's no one I must bet on...

I'll walk alone from now..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... dizzy a lot..After workshop, really2... I passed a tough day today...Really today children looks very unfunny... Suck maybe... I hate people that very2 talkactive...hate really.... Arghhhhh...

Still must draw some draft for comics order, and also novel's draft... Really really... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I want to scream a lot...And tomorrow morning there will be basketball match..I think these bones could crash...Sigh~

Today... I feel something strange, and I know I must not be like that... must not...If I started to wish too much then I'll get less, or maybe least...It hurts me so much. Eventhough so many people told me fool... Sigh~ I just can't keep stand and don't help others that seems need help...

Should I be like that?

After that,now I can take a rest... really... even just closed my eyes for a little... I wish this will pass...

Hahhahah...hari ini gw berhasil membuktikan satu lagi fakta menarik tentang manusia...

Jangka waktu sampe bocornya rahasia gw gak sampe seminggu... ~_~ wew... I think it could be a note... greatest note at all... Hahhaha I can't believe how people could trust me easily...Sigh~ eventhough they think it was an interesting news to talk about but I'm really don't think that how easy..... ~_~ Sigh, people just like talking about others than about themselves...

I want to start today's blog with some simple facts... Sigh~ Still around a week I think... Being alone was not enough funny huh?? But really, I got my disease...Yap, gaster ..it started to trouble a little... Then I think, maybe I was very late for meal, just that. Later I realize, I ever heard that gaster sometimes can be like that because of mind causing... Sigh~ I really don't want to say that... Is that really?? I hope it won't be. Why? Because I want to forget everything.. Each fake one that people ever give me? Fake smile, fake kindness,and many more... Fake... I hate imitation.

The second interesting part is about, how I tried to forget this... Really, it doesn't easy for the beginning, but you know, how you can be healed from that pain? The new one.. oh really? Now, in a fresh thinking, I could say, I DON'T THINK SO... Yeah, just foolish one will think like that. Just like my theory before, only the fool one will ... (I won't continue...).. see? I'm not lying anyone...if they don't believe, then I've already told them about that...Sure, really I really don't mind if they get a good news to be talked, but I just felt a little funny about, if how can they think like that?? Huh? Sigh~ Remember about I still have one year..oh no around 7 months again stayed in here, I think, I should left something there... Hahahah right? And I just want to say, just they who know me best, then they would know what this blog means....Really, I'm really very very not in mood for that... swear... Fake wishes.. another fake, and I hate FAKE...

Last interesting thing is about, FAKE MASK... I mean invisible mask... Hahhaha why?? Yeah.. how can they act well in front of me, they smile in front of me... But you know? The important fact I now realize and accept is about...People will smile, and looks very happy, if I didn't go inside their happines and took them all.. See? How I can easily crash it all by a simple way? So what am I waiting for?... Should I waiting for they said to e not to disturb them anymore? Should I?

I think I won't do like that. People already labelling me with a very very bad label, so should I try to remove that? I just have only 7 months, and what? I would go and fall into a new environment... new person and new world...See?? It's not talking about how foolish I am, it's not about anything anymore, it's totally just talking about how I decide by myslef, without anyone's opinion that would chande my decision... I just try to be myself, the really one...Without others say, I'm like that, or being like these...Foolish? Even I do so, then I will do nothing, even if they want to get some nice attack, I will give them happily without any comment.