My Holy Platform

Jauh banget...di dalam hati ini... ada banyak hal yang telah berubah. Setelah tahu tentang fakta ini pun, aku tetap nggak bisa...Aku merasa...kalo aku nggak bisa sedikitpun mencintai ataupun dapat dicintai...

Aku merasa... jauh..jauh sekali dari semuanya... Entah...ada dimana.

Ow... really2 busy day... and now I'm dizzy, then still browsing for my History data for tomorrow presentation... Really, I could feel down today...And the same thing will happen again tomorrow...My...my...~_~

Asli kepala rasanya cnud2 banget... aaaaaaaahhh... rasanya pengen maen game deh udah lama bgt gk nyentuh yg namanya game.. sad... T_T lum sempat2 ganti kompie neh, hiks2... nasib kali yah...Gak ada hiburan, stress banget dah tiap hari gak ad istirahat2nya... nabung deh demi beli PC sendiri... hiks...

T_T entahlah...gak tau kenapa, kyny berhambatan banget, skrg ini lagi nyari peluang2 tuk kerja... yah nyabet aja deh segala peluang yang ada... ~_~ GO! GO!! Kata orang masih muda, harus bisa banyak berkarya... At least I want to do something worthy in my last year...And of course for my college preparation... I must get my own work....Really... ~_~ sigh... I don't know why and how...But I must succeed...

Seriously, the most wanted things... is new PC or laptop....~_~ just that... sigh, looks like I've to save more than I ever done....more than this, struggle more than this. Believe it or not, even in Sunday I don't get any rest...I wish that all of my work will give the best result...I'm counting on that... Really... I'll take a lot of work later, never mind... Keep busy... ~_~ Aaahhhh, if there's no one could help me to reach my point, then it must be myself!!! I am the one must made myself reach my point...!!! It's around 5 million I think... Looks like need more time...I'm optimize that I'll reach that...

Bener2 rasanya merindukan ketenangan, daritadi pagi nonstop... tapi gak bisa tidur, pengen ngitung saat2 usia 17 taun besok... T_t capek bgt dari Purwakarta blon bisa istirahat total... aaaaah... T_T

Capek banget rasanya.... di Purwakarta...seru, banyak banget shocking2 day-nya...I'll tell later...

Sigh... Want to move on to my bed..

Sigh~ When I got back my test today, I was really disappointed that I was not maximize in doing test... Really, I hated it.. Won't do that again.. Sucks if I get lower score...

I'm thinking today... Should I release all wishes? Eventhough it looks so fool or maybe just funny, fact that I will never reach about that....~_~ Sigh,have I still trust on my wishes? Even I could smile because it, I'll more cheer up, even when the time's come, it'll be passed away... I don't know...I won't regret but..yeaaaahh.....you know, it means I've thrown away so many times for silly reason. Sometimes I think that I'm the fool one...Why? Yeah because I'm depending on wishes just like standing on the sand... When it fall down, so that I will hurt when I fall...

SIGH~

I don't want to be adult,at least for this 5-6 years again... T_T i hated being like them... I like my youth world...I want to be like this all the time... Sounds funny huh?? Yeah f course, but I still want to try many things... But if I'm not growing, how can I try?? Sigh~ I'm hoping, this one year will be the busiest time ever... Registering into college, and found the new world outside, out from my comfortable school area... Outside all of the same... ~_~ Sigh and also... my little hopes... that I would be smile because of curing that pain... Will I be like that??? I want the day'll be come soon....but, really, these time looks very fast... Looks just yesterday I still in the grade 10 then now I'll graduated... Time moves very fast.... Sigh..

I'm listening to Dango Daikazuki piano version... Feel want to play it with my own hands eventhough I know that I can't play piano well, I have no sense of music... Sounds simple to this song, but why?? You know... I was shed a tear wehenver I hear this song for the first time... Eventhough the lyrics sounds very childish, but there's a big meaning that they want us to know...Feeling to appreciate whatever...I'm proud to be myself....

I never regret because of why I'm being, I'm regret because... why I crush another's life... I'm crying on hatred to myself... I'm regret to make anyone shed tears... I'm regret to be like ... I'm regret that I'm crying on myself whenever I need someone, I never told anyone that I nees them to cry on, to share, or to told them a little...about mine..

The melody still flowing so lightly... Here go also... Little river that I can't stop...

Song sounds more bautiful in the right time we listen to...

~_~ Today... I want to try ... To releasse all of that, and removed that... Feel my heart will clean...I hope so.... I wanna to... Just hoping people can get back on me...

Sometimes, I don't know why... If I was saying something to someone, I don't know how the others feel that I'm telling them the same... Really... People aren't same like that...~_~ For many person I appreciate...

Actually, it's my fault...


END..

I really don't know why I'm feeling like this now... Right now really...



Sometimes I was really sure that I'm strong enough to do all of this alone, and I would hang on without anyone... But in the middle of the condition, there must be a little time, that even just steal my attention for 1 seconds.... It's called by "Loneliness"

Eventhough I think I could forget everything that had already happened in the past, and many hurt or pain that I must forget, but in fact I never forget them and give them apologize... In deep inside...I never forget for every pain that they ever scratch on..I never forget how I passed days by days with a single slap for each person...I never forget how many times I was being isolated with others... And how many times I got in trouble with all teachers...I never scared for anything though... Even for the strongest boy in the class, or maybe any killer teacher...I never scare to anything...until now...

If people said that creature can die if they are feel lonely... probably not on me... For more than 10 years, I've been already live without friendships... For me, friendships is not a way for me to trust anyone....But it's a way for me to know how easy people betrayed their friends just for their importance... Funny ? Of course, how can you believe that an elementary school student.. can be cruel like that?? I've seen more than that...

Sigh~
Even in each second I want to forget, I'll never forget, maybe it's because I am a girl and not a boy...But I never regret about that.. It's strange? There's nothing I can do to change my soul... Whaever I could do, I am a girl with a life and feelings as a girl...Even I wish I could do more... I must face a fact that I never overwhelm these feelings until finish...So why? Why I never forget about that bad memories? About that pain? About hurts? About them?

Then how can I trust anyone, if I know, in any condition they can betrayed on me...Sigh~ In every times I start to trust somebody, at the same time, they start to betrayed me... So... there's any other why for me to trust someone? Even I never have a good chance to do that even when I want to start...So that's why I already decide that I may just keep on myself... Others may be friends now... but may be enemies in future... We never know.. what's inside people's heart.

Sigh~ And the effect is appeared ... ~_~ You know.. Sometimes, and mostly of that, I might have any bad think about my friends rather than my other realtives...~_~ Yeah you know, because I know them better so that why I could predict how they will act...Maybe because of that... Actually, I prefer not to confront other faults and keep stayed just usual, but looks like others can't do the same...I never want to confront anyone if that isn't very necessary to do..But..looks like people can be hurted just from a little thing, that was just I think about....

People said that they could take easy on any thing but maybe not in this case....Yeah, yeah I couldn't comment anything...but..~_~ Yeaaaahhh..... it's kind of lying themselves...

So... Hahahahha it's kind of hard for me.... Especially to forget...Somebody that I ever missed for just once until now... That I will never forget him....~_~ Sigh, old memories always come to remind...Even I said so, just to forget about it.. In anytime,it'll be came without any permissions....I won't be like them...so until now, I just to be myself at all, just like years ago...It's me..The isolated one...~_~ I'm not scared to be isolated, as long as I never hurt any...

But I think, right now... I'm hurting so many... without do nything to prevent....Sigh~

That's why I hate myself... I never said that if I'm lonely... just for keep their smile, just to keep they feel comfort, just to keep them don't mind me, I will never that I'm lonely when I was really lonely... I just wrote down in a mute thing...~_~ that they will never answer even how many I've written on it... But it's me... I never want to say the really thing I feel, if I'm not forced to do that... I will not...~_~ Really... I hate making people take care around me, it looks like fake attention that I got whenever I ask for it...I don't want it... Whenever I feel lonely I just try to calm myself, then go to sleep... Little but sure... It's gone.. eventhough... it comes back everyday...

Sigh~

It's me...

Looks like most of player on my circle are going out... so maybe it's mean i'm out too~

Sigh~ I won't hang on until no one beside us... ~_~ sepi bgt rasanya gak ada mereka...sad...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh tapi blon jd HA rasanya lom puas... Ntah mungkin bbrp hari lagi gw kudu n harus deh kayanya...Mindain smua data photoshop n dreamweaver gw juga ke flashdisk, mnt tlg temen burn in ke 1 CD.. Done! After that I will put my MOF inside again... Sigh~ What a horrible work to do...

Haaah, I still wanna playing for a little more...~_~ even they're going out, maybe just for 1-2 month again... Sigh~ after PW is launched, I think Libi will be very2 out from crowded just like now maybe?? Lately, in the last time I went to the market, just some seller inside, usually there're so many seller there....

Sedih banget asli... Ntahlah rasanya gw merindukan sekali saat main dengan santai tanpa terganggu, ketemu temen2 yang banyak, n now I lost them all.. Gw benci perpisahan.... Karena itu gw berusaha untuk menghindarinya, meskipun tak mungkin menghindarinya... Well...I think I'll miss that think...

Buat sebagian orang mungkin ini sederhana, tp buat gw penting...Pengen ganti CPU kompie biar gw ga cekak itung2an memori!!!!! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I don't know exactly why but I could say like that for now.P eople are like that...It's not because I need to be cared everytime, but people could easily do that and make me hope too much on them, you know?? Just like a product, needs a good promotion to pull in customer...

Sigh~

Sometimes,they said that they care about me, that they love me but what? Even after 6-7 years, it's just a word... That they already forget eventhough I've told them that I never want to make somebody disappointed, even for any reason, because what? Because however we'll do, it won't change anything... It won't change these pain...Won't change any others...

Sigh~

When people said they care about me, now I realize it was just yeah you know a little sympathy..They told seriously to me, that "If I do this, it means I care to you..." For the first time, I think that everybody really aware of me, of my appeareance between them, and realize that I was there together with them...and care about me, but I just see so many fake inside around there....FAKE... Mungkin karena ada yang mao nanya ulangan, basa basi, mungkin juga gw lg jadi anak didiknya, jadi diperatiin karena dibutuhin tenaganya, mungkin juga gw lagi menarik perhatiannya aja,jadi diperhatiin... Eventhough I am not telling that all of them are like that, but mostly people were like that... Did I feel hurt?? I don't think like that. There's too much pain if I must count it one by one..Sure.. It's nothing to be counted...Hahahaha some kind of making laugh right??

I didn't mean to be possessive, but yeah, anything couldn't work f just hang on for short time, even if it won't works in shorter one how can I believe about the long one? I tried not to think like that but if this happen for many times I could think what happen with this? I tried not to said that they're wrond and I was he right side, but I've thought for many times about myself, there's nothing I can't do anymore, if I can't be accepted by them, so what should I do? Should I be the same to be accepted? Didn't Christ said that never you be the same with this world??? Should I be someone that I never know by myself just for a reason like that??Sigh~ If I will be always the wrong side??

From a long time ago, I'll always to be independent, there's no one can take control of it. I tried not to thrust anyone just by myself... I'll asked you a simple question. If you are going to be murdered, then you'll be released if you told them about your friends simple secret, do you will hold on not to told the secret? I don't think so.And I think as easy like that...People are forget about promises...

I'm not keep on telling about others, others and other... Now I'm just trying to hang on by myself.. Sigh~ Even I will not leave them I would face it with a smile, even I kept on pains inside. I didn't mean not to be honest, but sometimes, we don't have to show if we are getting sad or any else, just keep it yourself...

Totally tired! Right now I still have to make link for my dreamweaver homework...~_~ aaaaaaaaahhh, thiz hand looks like would break when my work finish...

Belon lagi ulangan ekop, dsb2, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa capek bgt hari ini tangan serasa mo lepas!!!! ~_~ SIGH~

Why it feels hurt even there's no scratch on it...

I just feel like there's a big hole inside that woulde never be cured... However I tried to..

Sigh~

I'm thinking.. Is that right ?? Fact that said about me,I 'm totally terrible person. There's no one will get along with me... Hahaha, just like back in he past, 10 years ago.

Actually~_~ I feel already finished this problem for long time in the past, but looks like I haven't

Aaaaaaaaaah...setidaknya gw udah berusaha jujur dengan apa yang tidak gw comfort!!I hate being like a doll...~_~ Sigh...

Tapi ga tau kenapa juga.. Gw ngerasa ga nyaman...Even it's hurt me so much but I still can't do anything...~_~ SIGH~ It's a sign that I'm weak at all... Really, I'll get into a bad modd for tomorrow... I don't care, even tomorrow I didn't get any happiness, I try not to care about myself.. Because it keeps a lot of pain. Sigh~

I WON THE QUIZ!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyy, actually really I never think I'll won, because I send in the second day after the news was being announced in the web, but really, I don't know how I got any spirit then I'm searching the answer of the question...~_~ i don't know what factor that .. but ~_~ How can I tried my new costume if I haven't installed the MOF yet...

SIGH~

Today even I am sad but I drops no tears at all,a litle bit mad I think...Really... I hate! I hate people who like to take other weakness to get on them!!! Really hate them!!!!!!

I dunno why but I think, lately, I feel uncomfortable with my performance... Sometimes with my own attitude, sometimes with my own body..yeah~ I dunno why, people keep saying that I must keep on a diet ~_~ you know, terribly I hated DIET so much from a long time ago until now...~_~ but sometimes I feel I want a perfect body too, eventhough it's not a big deal for... but T_T yeah you know, girls are girls.. sometimes I was asking why I can't be like my little brother? As many he can eat, but he won't getting fat..~_~ girls are easier getting fat even just eat a little sweets and anything...

Sigh~ I can't mind myself just eat a piece of wheat bread and nonfat milk in the morning, vegetables (I don't know in this case would be salad, or other maybe) for my lunch, then AN APPLE for my dinner... HELL! Really HELL Day if I must do that..~ But it works on another. My mother's friend has a daughter, and her daughter did it...~_~ even for many years ago, I still better than she... so sometimes I've been asking like this, if others can do that, why I can't??

~_~ Sigh... The only problems just that I can't keep the rule.. even just for one month~_~ Sometimes my father got home then brought me grilled fish, my fav food, then what'll I said?? It's impossible that I'll say I'm on a diet, and won't eat that... Tough choice... But that's I am.. I eat whenever I want to eat, and don't eat when I don't want to eat.. Because for some days, I ever be like that. I didn't touch any food in home...~_~ I feel like didn't hungry at all....

So, that...~_~ I keep asking in myself... I am not a person that like to do what I didn't like. I mean, I won't struggle to pain myself...I won't I won't and I won't... ~_~ Sigh~ If I get home after school, my mom will already finished cook our meal, and also delicious one. She is a good chef~_~ really, the best I've ever know...

So how can I refuse thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt??? Impossible.... ~_~ So.. how can I keep on going my diet...~_~ absolutely I'm too tired to do some sports at home, really... ~_~ schools really absorb I don't know how many percent of my power... Sigh~

Somehow... DAMN!! ~_~ As long as I've been heard about them, I'm getting mad... Not all but just some of them...Really, actually, ~_~ before this prob came, I ever felt that.. yeah something like, they have done what did they told me as my fault? So, do you think that was FUNNY?? ~_~ ahahahah people are always saying like that....Even just for one big hit.. I think they wouldn't get it from me, but from others...

Sigh~

I never know how many I take a deep breath today~________~

Quite tired...

T_T i don't know why.. I feel like hated myself...T_T sigh~

When do I can appreciate myself?

I don't know why...~_~

Eventhough today I was really2 tired, but thiz noon I'm going to hang out with my friends...~_~ Some relaxation from our daily activity ... Sigh~

Sometimes I feel that I have many2 inspiration for my artwork to do, but sometimes I was no idea why I can't put it on my paper and just inside my head??

Sigh~ Sometimes I want to back into my past, when I still a 10 years old girls, still wearing white and red uniform, ~_~ aaaah I miss that time right now, I almost graduated from my school and continue to the college....~_~ 1 years in the last grades isn't mean so much like before...

~_~ I couldn't mind that if I were like that now, maybe I can enjoying my work like now~_~ In any time I can draw anything in any place I want, just if I got some inspirations to do..~_~ Sigh~ when I was a kid, after finished the elementary I still thought that, waaaww...I still have a half way to do, and see? Now I've passed all of that!! How can you believe that think??? It passed away event when you didn't realize it, you are keep growing and keep growing until now, and there's so many thing changed, even maybe buildings around you, friends around you, teachers around you, and many again, if I could visit 6 years ago, I may remember again about that...

Sigh~

Sometimes I feel sad when some of my friends take a distance from me without I know the exact reason.. You know, it'll be better not to know than you must be left by them in the last....Hurt...