I really don't know why I'm feeling like this now... Right now really...



Sometimes I was really sure that I'm strong enough to do all of this alone, and I would hang on without anyone... But in the middle of the condition, there must be a little time, that even just steal my attention for 1 seconds.... It's called by "Loneliness"

Eventhough I think I could forget everything that had already happened in the past, and many hurt or pain that I must forget, but in fact I never forget them and give them apologize... In deep inside...I never forget for every pain that they ever scratch on..I never forget how I passed days by days with a single slap for each person...I never forget how many times I was being isolated with others... And how many times I got in trouble with all teachers...I never scared for anything though... Even for the strongest boy in the class, or maybe any killer teacher...I never scare to anything...until now...

If people said that creature can die if they are feel lonely... probably not on me... For more than 10 years, I've been already live without friendships... For me, friendships is not a way for me to trust anyone....But it's a way for me to know how easy people betrayed their friends just for their importance... Funny ? Of course, how can you believe that an elementary school student.. can be cruel like that?? I've seen more than that...

Sigh~
Even in each second I want to forget, I'll never forget, maybe it's because I am a girl and not a boy...But I never regret about that.. It's strange? There's nothing I can do to change my soul... Whaever I could do, I am a girl with a life and feelings as a girl...Even I wish I could do more... I must face a fact that I never overwhelm these feelings until finish...So why? Why I never forget about that bad memories? About that pain? About hurts? About them?

Then how can I trust anyone, if I know, in any condition they can betrayed on me...Sigh~ In every times I start to trust somebody, at the same time, they start to betrayed me... So... there's any other why for me to trust someone? Even I never have a good chance to do that even when I want to start...So that's why I already decide that I may just keep on myself... Others may be friends now... but may be enemies in future... We never know.. what's inside people's heart.

Sigh~ And the effect is appeared ... ~_~ You know.. Sometimes, and mostly of that, I might have any bad think about my friends rather than my other realtives...~_~ Yeah you know, because I know them better so that why I could predict how they will act...Maybe because of that... Actually, I prefer not to confront other faults and keep stayed just usual, but looks like others can't do the same...I never want to confront anyone if that isn't very necessary to do..But..looks like people can be hurted just from a little thing, that was just I think about....

People said that they could take easy on any thing but maybe not in this case....Yeah, yeah I couldn't comment anything...but..~_~ Yeaaaahhh..... it's kind of lying themselves...

So... Hahahahha it's kind of hard for me.... Especially to forget...Somebody that I ever missed for just once until now... That I will never forget him....~_~ Sigh, old memories always come to remind...Even I said so, just to forget about it.. In anytime,it'll be came without any permissions....I won't be like them...so until now, I just to be myself at all, just like years ago...It's me..The isolated one...~_~ I'm not scared to be isolated, as long as I never hurt any...

But I think, right now... I'm hurting so many... without do nything to prevent....Sigh~

That's why I hate myself... I never said that if I'm lonely... just for keep their smile, just to keep they feel comfort, just to keep them don't mind me, I will never that I'm lonely when I was really lonely... I just wrote down in a mute thing...~_~ that they will never answer even how many I've written on it... But it's me... I never want to say the really thing I feel, if I'm not forced to do that... I will not...~_~ Really... I hate making people take care around me, it looks like fake attention that I got whenever I ask for it...I don't want it... Whenever I feel lonely I just try to calm myself, then go to sleep... Little but sure... It's gone.. eventhough... it comes back everyday...

Sigh~

It's me...