Yep, =_= I dunno why but in the past Mondays I started the week cheerfully.. But may be not for today... Well, since I got up this morning and didn't feel well.. ==" Oh gosh... it doesn't mean I'm getting sick again... remember my little brother was suffering a lot from his fever for these last 2-3 days.. =__= disease transmission...

Even I don't understand why... I was thinking along the night.. til I could sleep. Yeah, what did I worry about? Nope.. there's no conflict at all.. but I keep on quarreling inside my inner heart... I don't understand what happened at all, but I feel that I was drop down again... T_________T but I can't tell anyone, because I don't understand...

Well, begin with memories of the past..since I was in the elementary, I started to write on a diary, yeah.. =_______= at that time, writing diary seems fun and kinda diligent ... but, I enjoyed writing since childhood, so I think.. writing diary as one of my hobby... An important thing since the first time I decided to write diary..I always use a diary with a lock =______= why? Simple answer.. I don't wanna anyone see what's written inside.. my family neither my friends.. Until now, since now I'd move on with my blog, using password may be the same as a lock..Yeah, there's things I don't wanna share with them, there's things I wanna keep just for myself, and there's no one may enter.. But looking at my condition right now, I'd changed so much since I has learned to share some of pain with friends... but there's a thing that never changed, worried about something forbidden... that I can't tell them, a side that they never know, they never assume, and also an odd feeling that always appears whenever I wanna be honest... afraid of refusal for being honest, for saying the truth, afraid of insult by others, afraid of people's reaction, afraid of being alone if I told them the truth.. afraid if people only accept my good side and not my bad side... afraid of .... backstabber... lost my trust to others, furthermore... I can't tell anyone again about anything.. because of those things...

It might not be as complicated as I'd mentioned. I thought it is because of bad things that ever happened in the past..and now, I meet new person, and I should not treat them because of my bad experience in the past... but somehow, that kind of fear still exist inside me, whenever we're in a big conflict and I blame myself for everything had happened...

For a while, I was thinking, is it THE ONE who makes me worried??? And I got the conclusion.. NO, IT IS NOT.. (remember again about yes/no question in the elementary)

So, what did I worry about? Things that caused this odd feeling inside..-_________- everything were running in my head whenever I'm down..Yeah... exactly when I woke up this morning, my head was really full with those kind of things..

Last night before I go to sleep, I wrote something about I'm pushing myself too much on something that I should not do, I can't do, or maybe it doesn't fit me... but I keep pushing myself to do that, with certain reasons..T____________T struggling for something that may not important for some people but it's worth for me.. Is that mean ... I must stop pushing myself for doing things like that... eventho, I'm struggling for my place where I am exist... is that a big fault that I ever made? Never be grateful for things that I can get right now and others can't.. Or I should be taught to be thankful for every breath I can take ... ?? T_____________T I'm struggling with my own power, with anything that possible for me to do, but.. if I'd reached my own limit to struggle, should I stop whenever the distances is about 1-2 km again?? How can I do more whenever I'd reached my own limit??!!

I don't know... sometimes I wish I will never stop dreaming some kind of things... dream makes us wanna do more to reach it, not just about having a good wishes without doing anything... Yeah..but.. I still can't understand about this odd feeling...