I don't know how to start exactly... but let's try with a classic way...

In fact we have so many friends beside us, but it's painful when there's no one could hear your cries

Maybe, it fits my condition right now. I don't mind about how is a friend should stand by 24 hours for me... nope... I don't mean something like that.. but looking that everyday I have friends to share about, it's kinda pathetic when I know, I have no one to share... even with my BF... exactly when I am in the middle of painful condition.

There are many of them told me the same thing that I could call them in any time I need them. But I know human has a lot of limitation that they couldn't be my side eventhough they want to. And I know it wasn't their fault ... but I keep wondering why and why...life is so unfair~

Years ago, days ago, hours ago... I thought there's nothing bigger than my personal problem and about my college problem. Furthermore, I feel that I got nothing from my college beside assignments that I do every week and I don't know for what kinda of things beside a score, and so on.. and I'd decided to move on another college... There's another option that I didn't take, I might not move on another college but move on another faculty... but right now I didn't even know where should I go or what should I do... everybody thought that move on another college is really really a bad idea.. beside of wasting my time and my parent's money... but I'm putting my future in my college... that's why I think that's really important to think again about this decision... otherwise, I'd prefer to end up everything here and start to think by myself...

I'd been so tired running on insane activity... and it's been a MEANINGLESS things I'd been done in 1 year... I know I might not move on the best college but at least, it might be better... MORE THAN in the place I'd been stuck in right now...that's the big problem.. and I still couldn't made up my mind and decision...

Another one... I don't blame anyone in this case... but I feel weird when I have somebody to laugh with but no one to cry with.... I couldn't show people when I was sad, when I need any hugs, when I need a place to breath freely .... but that's why I feel really lonely... although someone was saying like this to me ,"I'm here not just to see your smile..." I'm really really understand that they are somebody who can cry with me... but there's rules they can't break into. There's a gate that they can't pass into....

It was just the time I wanna told them some story, but when I see they're so busy with their works... I couldn't tell them any of it... I guess it's not the right time to tell them, or maybe... they should not be told....

Right now I'm really tired of assignments, of nothing improvement I got in my college, of decision about moving forward or stop, of my own painful for knowing the truth...

But... it feels more painful than when there's no one are listening to your stories... when you're speaking in front of them... sometimes I feel I am really lonely....Things are always getting complicated... every days... there's a word that says I need a rest, to stop for a while.... but in the middle of this kind of mess... can I?